RAD - Olympic Speed Skating Uniform Makers

It's back!  Random Acts of Douchebaggery has a whole lot of new content coming your way.  This is an oldie, but one that's been stewing in my brain for awhile.

As you all know, I aggressively love the Olympics.  This past February, for the Sochi Olympics, I watched the coverage every night.  I was there with Bob Costas when he had the pink that was so bad they booted him from the air.  I was there when the heat wave melted all of the snow outside so the snowboarders were all falling and getting injured.  And I was there when the USA's speed skating team sucked it up big time.

They were terrible.  And speed skating is not that fun to watch unless your team is winning.

I have a theory for why they sucked.  Maybe the costumes had something to do with it?  Who did this to them?  WHO?  I want names and addresses because this is terrible.  I'm sure that there is some scientific reason for the gray circular patch of fabric right in the crotchal region, but science be damned that shit is not right.

So I'm RADding the uniform makers, but also every person who looked at a USA team member in this uniform and said "Alright, let's get out there!"  

Random Acts of Douchebaggery

This is a RAD that has been stewing up my rage for years.  Local Minnesotans will know what I'm talking about when I say metered freeway ramps.  For those not local to the 'Sota, I will explain.  Some idiot decided a long time ago that during rush hour traffic the freeway entrance ramps should be metered by traffic lights so that only one car would be allowed onto the freeway from an entrance ramp every 10 seconds.  Or sometimes it's every 5 seconds.  And sometimes it's every 2 seconds.  I guess it's a real technical sort of science. 

These metered ramps have ENRAGED me for so long and for so many reasons.  Here's what pisses me off the most.  First, you cannot tell me that this actually makes a quantifiable difference in traffic.  No matter how you meter the traffic, the same amount of cars are going to need to use the freeway, and while I understand the theory, I just don't believe that it actually makes any difference in the flow of traffic.  Except that it just slows down how fast the back-ups can happen.

Secondly, the timing of the lights seems so arbitrary to me.  Sometimes I have been in totally backed up traffic where the entrance ramp is packed with cars and the green lights are blinking on and off every other second, but no cars can go through because the traffic is so bad.  Other times I have been stuck at an entrance ramp's red light for a good 10 seconds even though there is literally no traffic on the freeway.  I never know if you can go through the red light or not, but if there's 5 cars waiting on the entrance ramp and no cars on the freeway, is it really necessary to wait almost a minute for all of those cars to enter the freeway? 

Thirdly, people are such assholes about the whole thing.  If everyone would just get in the lineup and wait their turn, I wouldn't be so mad, but then you get people who just blow through the red lights or who aren't paying attention and don't go when the light turns green and my road rage goes from mild to severe in one second. 

Finally, why in the world does Minnesota need this much traffic control.  Folks in the TC area, we do not have bad traffic.  I've been in LA on the 405 at 2:00 in the afternoon...now that's bad traffic!  I just don't think that we need metered entrance ramps for the 2-3 hours a day that the freeways get backed up.

What I'd really like to do is strangle the person who came up with this crazy idea in the first place.  But, since I can't do that, I'll just passive aggressively RAD him.  Yes, sir (I'm assuming it was a man), you are a douche.

P.S.  Does anyone remember when Jesse Ventura was our governor and he thought that the lights were stupid so he ordered that they all be turned off?  Those were glorious days when our governor could go on the Dave Letterman show and talk about how all those drunk Irish in St. Paul designed the street grids. 

Random Acts of Douchebaggery

I am a needy person.  I need a lot.  One of the things that I NEED is a cold diet coke at work.  It's essential.  The other day, we were out of Diet Coke at home (I usually bring my own can to work because it's so much cheaper than the vending machines...75 cents a can?!  Are you kidding me?!) and so I went to work without a can thinking I could get one from the vending machine at lunchtime. 

Around 11:45 A.M., I had a serious DC craving.  I needed the juice.  I went to the vending machine and found this huge soda stack in the hallway right outside the vending machine room.  I panicked and said a little prayer: "Please God, let there be Diet Coke in the machine.  I'll even take a Diet Coke with Lime."  My prayer went unanswered and no matter how many times I pushed the Diet Coke button, I got the same message "TRY AGAIN." 

I can't even tell you how many times I stood next to that stack of soda and wondered if I could just grab a can and leave the money next to the stack?  Would that be inappropriate? 

But, can we talk about the lazy ass vending machine guy?  Who would do this?  Who would leave an entire stack of soda right next to the vending machine for the whole day?  Plus, it was a Friday.  People need their caffeine on Fridays!  And why would you buy more Diet Coke Lime than Diet Coke?  That is so stupid.

The moral of this story is that, at 3:00 P.M., I had gone an entire day without soda and this stack of unvended soda cans almost brought me to tears.  The person who caused those tears is a total douche. 

On a side note, if the Diet Coke boxes were at the top of the stack, I totally would have grabbed one and left the money. 

Random Acts of Douchebaggery

I'm really excited about this post because I have something to get off of my chest.  I have some neighbors that I really, really, really dislike.  Sometimes when I see them, I have to walk away for fear that I will start screaming at them.  My dislike runs deep.

They actually aren't our neighbors exactly.  They live on a street that runs perpendicular to ours and they don't own the house that they are living in, they rent it.  When you own a house, renters in your neighborhood are the lowest form of life.

Anyhow, our house is an older house that was built prior to the idea that attached garages are the BEST THINGS EVER.  Our house was also built in the time when people loved alleys.  We don't have a driveway, so if you want to get to our non-attached garage, you have to drive down the alley.  Typically, Mike and I don't utilize the garage because it's much easier to park on the street in front of our house.  That is, it's easier as long as we can get a spot in front of our house.

Enter the two assclowns that rent the house that isn't even on our street.  The first annoying thing about them is that they keep odd hours.  I'm not sure if they are in college (they look too old for that) or if they work night jobs or just part-time hours?  They seem to be home all day, clogging up the streets for parking, and then gone all night long.  The second annoying thing is that they will park in front of any one's house without a care in the world.  Most of the people on my block have at least one car parked on the street which is not a problem because you just park in front of your own house.  But, these jerks will park wherever there is an opening and then you come back home with bags full of groceries and you have to park 6 houses down.

Our neighbor went to talk to them about it a few months after they moved in last summer.  He explained to them that they had a driveway, a garage and street parking right in front of their house, so it would be preferable if they could use those parking spaces so that the people who needed the parking spaces on our street (because no house on our street has a driveway) could park in front of their own house.  Their response was "You don't have the right to control who parks in front of your house."  And they are right, but my neighbor astutely responded to them "This isn't Uptown, this is the suburbs."  

Things got worse this winter when there were snow emergencies and the assclows never moved their cars.  The city didn't tow them, but instead just plowed around them leaving huge snowbanks on the sides of the street in front of people's houses.  Which is really annoying because the people that own their houses pay taxes for things like snow removal and because these jerks couldn't move their cars to the driveway, the street wasn't properly plowed.  It was also annoying because no one could park in those spaces until the snow melted.

The final annoying thing about these total douchebags is that when they park behind you, they park extremely close.  See the picture above, that's how they park.  Nice, right.  It's no wonder these two are the most hated people in our neighborhood. 

Random Acts of Douchebaggery

There's a new trend in the fresh herb retail game that is really pissing me off. It's this idea that the herbs should be packaged while still attached to the dirt. I can't understand how this is better than just packaging the herbs without the dirt?

At first, I thought it was because the herbs would keep longer being attached to the dirt. Which, let's be honest, this is probably the theory behind this asinine concept. What happens in reality, however, is either the attached dirt is so wet that it causes extreme condensation in the greenhouse like plastic container and then the herbs mold because they are too wet, or the dirt is so dry that it just crumbles all over the place and gets into the herbs.

Whether the dirt is wet or dry, it ends up all over your counter no matter how careful you are. Which is my real reason for douching the assholes that thought of this. When I am cooking, the last thing that I want is a dirty counter or cutting board. Every single time I have used these herbs I try to be so careful not to get the dirt out of the container, but to no avail.

I believe these herb manufacturers are evil. Not only are they charging us $5 for a small amount of something that is actually super easy and cheap to grow on your own, but now they are dirtying up our kitchens. I will not stand for this. Herb people, you are hereby RAD'd.

Random Acts of Douchebaggery

First of all, I'm not even going to comment on the dude's outfit. Except to say that he's wearing plaid on plaid. And that he's wearing pajama pants.

Okay, what I'm really here to RAD is people who go out to eat with other people and, instead of interacting with the other people, spend the entire time on their phone. I think she's texting and he's playing Angry Birds. Is that even a phone the gentleman has? That thing is huge!

Anyhow, the point is that this is really uncomfortable. When you go out to a restaurant with someone, you should make an attempt to converse with them. When two people are sitting at a table, only paying attention to their electronic devices, they look like total douches. It also makes waitstaff and other patrons freaked out. Other patrons are worried that their interactions might disrupt the people's concentration. Waitstaff is wondering if they should take their order now, or wait until they have cleared the level.

A year or so ago, Mike and I went to Brasa in St. Paul. We were sitting next to this old couple who did not speak to each other once during their entire meal. Instead the man had his Ipad propped up, reading a book and the woman had an actual paper book that she was reading. It was so uncomfortable. Why weren't they speaking to each other? Did they get into some horrible argument on the way to Brasa, but they were so hungry that they decided to come in and eat anyways? How long had it been since they had actually spoken to each other? Or was this just business as usual?

Look, if you can't muster up enough social graces to have a conversation with your partner at the dinner table, then keep that hot mess at your own home. No one else needs to be subjected to it.

Photo and idea credit to Anne H. Thanks friend!

Random Acts of Douchebaggery

Sheriff Kirby is not happy. He's upset with retailers creating the craze that is Black Friday and then exploiting it to all the dum-dum humans. But this year is different. This year makes Sheriff Kirby IRATE! Stores opening at midnight and the human folk falling for it. WTF you big old douchebags.

Several years ago, my mother asked me to wait in line outside the Best Buy store on Black Friday so that we could get a good deal on a new computer. My exact words were "Hellz No Biznitch." It was cold and the store opened at 7:00 A.M. We would have to get there at 5:00 A.M. and I was not wasting a day off of school to get up early. No deal is that good.

I was totally right. NO DEAL IS THAT GOOD. Stop telling me about how you got a $300 printer for $50. I don't care. You look like a total ass clown camping outside the store in your tent. A printer is not worth losing your dignity.

This year, however, retailers are crossing a line. Stores are opening up at midnight, which ruins many people's turkey days. So, you're telling me that to get the best deals I have to leave my family early to go wait in line outside a local Kmart to get the ultimate blue light special. Way to ruin a holiday retailers. What will they do next year, start the deals at 8:00 P.M. on Thanksgiving. In 10 years the deals will start on midnight of Halloween!

The retail industry has gone too far and both Kirby and myself are RADding them. Boycott your local black Friday deals and let's take back Thanksgiving together!

On a side note, when I was a youngster my grandpa was telling me about how he had to go to Kmart and wanted to know if I would go with him. I said "Grandpa, you CANNOT go to Kmart! Someone might see you in there."

Random Acts of Douchebaggery

This one goes back to my childhood. But I'm not above RADding people from my childhood. No one is safe.

As a young'un, I was a dancer. Not a child stripper, but an actual tap, jazz and ballet kind of dancer. I loved it and danced, danced, danced until my little heart wept. There's a video of me when I was five in my very first recital and I'm up there in the center of the stage tapping away and screaming out the words to the song. It was intense. At the end you kind of see me pick my nose a little bit. I'll admit to doing it, I was four and totally not scared to gross out the general public.

Anyhow, when I was let's say 10, I was in quite a predicament. My mom was out of town and I was staying with my grandparents. My grandma had taken me to dance class and I had to order my recital tights by that class or else my legs would be NAKED. My grandma would not let me have naked legs, she was going to take care of that shit.

We went to my dance teacher after class and my grandma said "We need to order tights for Molly, but I don't know what size she should get." Simple question. The dance teacher said "Oh, you know she has thin calves, but she's a little bigger up here, so I'd try a large." When she said "Bigger UP HERE" (emphasis added) she was pointing to my middle section. My tummy, or fupa if you will. Yes, that's right, bitch done called my 10-year-old ass fat.

I almost started crying. My grandma said something along the lines of "This girl does not wear a large!" and we ran out. I'm not really sure if we ordered the tights or not, but I never went onstage with naked legs, so somehow it got taken care of.

My point is, I wasn't fat (porky maybe, it was an awkward phase of childhood), but there really was no reason for the teacher to point out my body's misgivings. She had a little bit of a fupa herself. I think my grandma was worried I'd be damaged from it, but I told her "Nah, grandma, that lady's a total bitch." But, I think it actually did bother me a bit. I know I sucked it in around her a lot more often. And sucking in while you are tapping away is not easy.

Look lady, don't call young girls fat. It's a douchey thing to do.

Random Acts of Douchebaggery

I am not a fan of strangers touching me. Even in a crowded space, if I am brushed by a stranger's hand or arm, I shudder with a sudden case of the creeps. Several of my friends who have had beautiful babies have warned me that on that far away date when I do get pregnant I better be prepared for stranger touching. Apparently strangers love touching pregnant bellies. Lord help me.

Truth be told, I've heard many terrible stories from my friends about the inappropriateness of people's behavior around pregnant women. What is it about pregnancy that makes people ass clowns?

Last week I heard a really annoying story from a good friend who is pregnant (I almost said knocked up, but then I realized that is inappropriate behavior regarding pregnant women...so glad I caught myself). My friend is all of those good adjectives that you would use for pregnant women. Glowing, beautiful, radiant. However, there is a woman that she works with who enjoys telling her how pregnant she is. And she uses the bad words like "big" and I think she even maybe has used the word "huge". What a bitch!

Here's a little tip for everyone: if you have diarrhea of the mouth then maybe you don't ever say anything to a pregnant person about their pregnancy. Even if you think it's a benign comment like "I can't believe that you don't have twins in there" just keep it to yourself. Because it's really never okay to even accidentally make a person feel bad for growing life. In fact, it's super douchey. Look, babies need their space and it's not like we can just rationalize with the fetus and say "Hey you, in there, can you slow down your growth so that my wench of a coworker won't give me the stink eye every time I chomp down on a 3 Musketeers bar."

So, stop being such douchebags and making rude comments to pregnant women.

Random Acts of Douchebaggery

Good sushi is hard to come by. So are good sushi restaurants. I'm sure there's going to be a bunch of people who are like "What?! No! This sushi place is the best." But, you would be wrong. Sushi restaurants are on my list of repeat douche offenders. Here's why...

I'm sick of sushi rolls being so large that there is no respectable way to eat them in one bite. I'm not really big into the nigiri or the sashimi, I prefer eating my raw fish with plenty of other tastes surrounding it. If I wanted to bite into raw salmon or tuna, I'd just order a piece of it. I would say 90% of sushi places go with the assumption that bigger is better and create a roll that could be used as a wheel on a children's tricycle. I'm sorry, but is Hagrid the half giant dining at your establishment? Or who is coming in here that can down that shit in one bite?

Another pet peeve is the drink situation. Wasabi and soy sauce are not good combinations for a parched mouth. That means the waitresses might have to ear their tips by at the very least refilling my water glass. You see, tips are earned peeps. Empty glasses = no dough.

And let's talk about the wait. Are actually rolling the sushi in Japan and that's why it takes over an hour to get to my table? Since I actually see the sushi chefs working at the sushi bar, I'm assuming that is in fact not the case. So, I'll just give them a little tip. The fish doesn't get fresher the longer it waits to jump into those rolls. Perhaps you could speed it up a bit.

My last complaint is about the current overuse of fish eggs. I normally don't mind them. You barely notice that it's there and the orange and green vibrancy gives the sushi a pop of color. However, I seem to notice a trend lately where the fish eggs are just piled on top of the roll. Not a good taste, not a good texture and it makes me want to puke. The only thing worse than raw fish is raw fish mixed with vomit. Just saying.

There is no sushi restaurant that I've been to that doesn't violate at least one of these things. Shape up assholes, you've been RAD'd.

Government Shutdown-itis and Random Acts of Douchebaggery

While many people across America were celebrating their freedom and liberty this weekend, Minnesota government was shut down. Yes, that's right, Minnesota currently has no budget in place due to a Democrat governor and Republican legislature not being able to play nice with each other. Therefore, any government service deemed nonessential is shutdown and thousands of works have been temporarily laid off. God Bless America.

This shutdown has made me angry on many levels. First is this ridiculous need to support one party or the other. People, listen to me, these politicians should not be supported. There is no need to join the facebook page to support Governor Mark Dayton. He's as much at fault as the Republicans are. What we should be supporting is resolving this bipartisan standoff. I have a right to renew my driver's license, visit the nearest reststop for an emergency bathroom break and go to a state park. That right is being violated by petty politics. Supporting one party and criticizing another is not helping this situation. All of these politicians are to blame and I'm really hoping that they feel it in the next elections.

Second thing that I'm spitting tacks about is the fact that these assclowns didn't work on the shutdown one bit this weekend. The public was told that it was because both sides needed to relax and rejuvenate over the weekend. Cut the shit. They wanted to go up to their lakehomes and enjoy the municipality fireworks. I guarantee you that if these douches were forced to work this weekend, the matter would have been resolved by Saturday at the latest. Nothing motivates state employees more than the threat of having to work on a holiday. NOTHING! If they had been forced to work and had come to a resolution, then people would be back to their jobs today and all state government services would be restored. As it is right now, we are several days away from a resolution. It's really not fair to the people of this state.

So, I'm pissed. And I'm one of the essential government employees. Let's hope that the lawmakers get it through their heads that they have a job to do and not getting that job done will cost them their seat.

Random Acts of Douchebaggery

This car assaults my senses. There are flames and tigers, which I don't think actually go together because as powerful as a tiger is, flames would kill him the same as you and me. Let's get another look-see.
That is still pretty offensive. I mean, what did the car do to deserve this kind of treatment?

I really do believe this is an act of douchebaggery to all on the roads. Not only do we have to look at this atrocity, but it will also distract people which could cause huge accidents. Thanks asshole.

This animal sanctuary tiger is also offended. Grrrrr.

Random Acts of Douchebaggery

I realized I didn't RAD anyone this last month!!! Horrors. I will pull this one out of the archives. This summer, I went on vacation for a week. It was awesome. But, I was all, what the eff do I do with my plants. Originally I thought I would bring them to my mom's, but it seemed like an awful lot of work to drive them over to her place, so I opted instead to bring them to Mike's house to have his roommate watch over them.

The three plants I brought were the three shown above. Basil, Datura & Rosemary. Only they were much bigger than they are in this picture. I brought them over to Mike's roommate and gave him strict instructions about their watering and general care. Actually, when I brought them over I said "Bjorn, I brought over three of my plants and put them on the back step..." He cut me off and said "Well, I hope they are still there when you get back." Then we all had a good laugh because he was totally joking with me. Except, turns out the joke was on us.

A day into our vacation, Mike got a call from Bjorn. They were just shooting the bull when Mike said "How are Molly's plants?" Bjorn then told him that the night before he put the plants on the front porch so they would get more sunlight and someone stole them overnight. STOLE THEM!!!!!!!!!!!

Who would steal plants? I mean honestly, who would do that??? Plus, it's not like Bjorn lives in a bad area, he lives in a family neighborhood. But, that's what happened. I spent the entire summer keeping these damn plants alive and someone stole them right from under me. I was especially annoyed about the Basil plant because I was hoping to have enough basil to make pesto at the end of the summer.

This one was pretty low. All I can say is I hope those bastards ate the Datura thinking it too was an herb plant.

Random Acts of Douchebaggery

I will first make a plea to you all, my internet friends. Many people tell me that RAD is their favorite part of the blog and they wish that I would post more frequent RAD's. I would love to do this. However, while I often encounter people doing dumb things, I can't always get a picture. And RAD's posted to my blog require a picture. Anyhow, I often save up RAD's so I can surely post one a month. My request is this: if you peeps see a RAD and can get a visual, send it to me! I will post it. This can truly become bigger than the asexual revolution.

Now onto a RAD that I have been saving for awhile.

I was on my fabulous vacation this summer in our nation's great capital enjoying the sights of the Jefferson Memorial when I saw this atrocity. A grown ass woman laying on a bench inside the memorial with her and her children's stanky feet just lounging all over the walls of a historic monument.

Oh no, don't get up. By all means, relax, take your shoes off and put your feet up. Put them up on the walls of history. Don't be shy. And please invite your children to do the same. Perhaps when you are done, you can show them how to take a crap in the bushes at Arlington Cemetery.

I also like how they are facing the wall, as if they walked all that way to the memorial to not look at the statute. Douches...all of them.