Friday, July 29, 2011

August is a Favorite

August has always been a favorite of mine. I love that it starts out all hot and sticky and by the end you are getting some Indian Summers in. Is that phrase even socially acceptable? Or is it taboo? Anyhow, I love those summery nights where the day is blazing but in the evening you are reminded that fall is coming soon. Here are some things I am excited for this August:

  • Harry Potter. I will finally see it! Yay!

  • Vacation. I'm going to the great city of Cleveland. Not so fancy, but I think it will be fun. Not so great will be leaving my little Kirbino for the first time.

  • Laying/Reading in My Hammock. I got a hammock for my birthday, but it's been so hot that I haven't been in it a ton. August will change that.

  • Raspberries. There are a few raspberry bushes in the backyard and some early raspberries have already come, but there are a bunch more that should be ready soon. I love raspberries right from the bushes!

  • Mikey's Birthday. Mike will finally be as old as me.

  • Babies. I have one friend who just gave birth and two other friends who are due in August. I love new little babies and can't wait to meet the new bambinos.

  • Back to School. I haven't been part of the back to school rage in quite a long time, but I always love this time of year. I love the commercials, the store displays, that harried fever in the air at the end of the month.

I can't believe that it's August already. I'm hoping for a warm fall because I'm definitely nowhere near ready to let go of these warm temperatures.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Mad Love for Norway

I heart Norway. I really, really love it. I studied abroad there during the summer of two thousand and something (I'm not even looking into it because I don't want to be reminded of how old I am) and fell hard for the amazing harbor city. The people were friendly and kind, the cities were clean and beautiful and you cannot beat the Norwegian landscape. My trip to Norway came with several unreal stories. I was going on a study abroad trip where I knew no one and was traveling alone much of the time, so I have quite a few great stories to share. Maybe one day they will all get posted, but for now, a quick little anecdote for you.

During my stay in Norway, I became obsessed with this ice cream shop called Movenpick. Apparently it's Swiss, but the ice cream was insanely good. Everything in Norway was ridiculously expensive and Movenpick was a delicacy I allowed myself almost everyday. I loved this stuff. Google it and just look at the flavors. You can't get this at the DQ.

On my last night in Oslo, I was strolling back from the harbor to my hotel and thought, I really need to stop there one last time. I went in and saw the same 60-year-old man standing behind the counter. That guy was so sweet and in there every time I went in. He loved speaking English with me, so we had had a few conversations during my stay.

I was telling him it was my last night and we were chatting about my time there. As I was telling him how sad I was to be having my last Movenpick, I was also trying to grab my wallet out of my huge and overstuffed purse. I wasn't paying attention and was really fumbling to get it out. When it finally freed itself from the leather beast that was holding it back, the wallet came with a tampon. A tampon was stuck inside the flap. As I pulled up on the wallet, I notice the tampon sort of dangling there taunting me "I'm going to really embarrass you tonight". Then the tampon goes flying. It went over the counter and right at the feet of the poor old man sales clerk.

So, what did I do. I put my kroner on the table and got the hell out of there. I acted like nothing had happened. Which is what you should do when you throw a tampon at an old man.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Toilet Talk

Is there anything more funny than bathroom humor? I think not. But seriously, I have a fear of public restrooms. I hate them. Sometimes this fear will cause me to hold it even when I really, really have to go. That is not healthy for me. I've learned that the hard way. One time, in high school, I was at a retreat and a friend and I went into the bathroom together. After she was finished, I asked her to leave the restroom so I could go in peace. I'm that weird about public restrooms.

Although, I'm not as weird as my coworkers. At my work, in the employee bathrooms, there are several large cans of Lysol spray. And my coworkers use them liberally. Every time you walk into the bathroom you're hit with a whiff of just sprayed Lysol Mountain Breeze, which, in my opinion, smells worse than ass. Honestly, it smells like rotting, burning wood. Plus, who walks into a bathroom expecting it to smell like roses? Clearly my coworkers are aware of what people do in there (hence the constant spraying of Lysol), so are they that surprised when they walk into the can and it smells like shit? It's not like it's an outhouse where the poop is just sitting there rotting and fermenting. This is a sanitary bathroom. When people drop a deuce it's just flushed right down the toilet and usually the smell subsides in a minute or two. These people need to chill out.

Anyhow, the real story that I was going to tell you was that I walked in on someone in a public restroom the other day. So funny and so embarrassing at the same time. I was out to dinner with girlfriends and I had a glass of Prosecco and 3 glasses of water. I had to go, badly. There was only one unisex restroom, so I did what I always do and tested the handle before barging in. I felt that it was unlocked and so flung the door open and started walking in when I heard a voice. I looked over and there was this girl sitting on the toilet. It took me a minute to register, so I was definitely standing half in the bathroom for a good 30 seconds before I bolted out. I almost forgot to shut the door behind me.

Then I stood outside the bathroom door wondering if my need to go to the bathroom was worth the embarrassment of me standing there until the girl was finished. The answer was no. I just ran back to the table. Because what else can you do? This incident, by the way, will not help my fear of public restrooms.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Can I Handle It?

Unless you've been living under a rock, you probably know that the last Harry Potter movie premieres tomorrow. Cue the tears. Wait...are you not crying? Because anytime I have seen a preview for the last Harry Potter movie, I have started crying. And I've gotten the chills. I've actually avoided watching previews because the tears and chills are that bad. Kids, this is a problem. Michael actually said to me the other day "I'm just not sure that you can handle this."

He's right. I don't deal well with change and things ending. And I have a rusty faucet in my eyes that once turned on, is difficult to shut off. Add that to the fact that the previews for this movie look so intense and the fact that I just read the wikipedia article on the last Harry Potter book to remind myself of what happens and I started weeping. Openly. At work. I had to go to the restroom to compose myself. So, again, while I really want to go to this movie, I might not be ready for it.

I don't remember it being this bad with reading the last book. That might be because I always knew I'd have the movie to look forward to, but it also might be the timing of when the last book came out.
The last Harry Potter book was released a week before I took the Minnesota Bar Exam. To say I was stressed is an understatement. The day the book came out, I went to the local Barnes and Noble to purchase it. I propped the book up on my desk as a little incentive for studying. It kept singing to me, just study one more week and then you can read me! So, that's what I did. I studied for a week, took the test, then hibernated for a few days. During that hibernation, I read the final Harry Potter and haven't touched it since. I think the main reason why I got through it was because the test had left me so defeated that the book didn't seem that emotionally draining.

But here I am four years later with a fairly emotional stress-lite life and wondering if I can cope with a movie about magical wizards killing each other. I'm thinking that I probably can't, but I'm going to try anyways.

Monday, July 11, 2011

The Backlot Tour

The Backlot Tour is one of those rides at "Hollywood Studios" that has really evolved over time. It used to be so much more awesome, but also a lot longer. Now it feels a little bit like a bus tour that they are rushing to get finished with because the bus driver has to go to the bathroom.

Anyhow, the backlot tour begins with a audience involved demonstration of how movies do special effects. They reenact a scene with gunfire and explosives and things catching on fire to show you how everything in movies is fake. I always love this part because the audience participants get soaked and they always act like they didn't expect it. It's a real "aw shucks" moment.

Once the demonstration is over you are moved through this props warehouse to get to a bus. It used to be that you would wait in this line for a long time, which kind of sucked, but also gave you a lot of time to look at the props. Now you've got a hot poker to your ass and have to move through the props room at a quick pace. Which is a shame because some of the props are actually really neat. I've seen people step aside at this point to actually take time to enjoy the movie props, so if you don't get super competitive about Disney lines and getting to the front the fastest, this is an option for you. I have a fanatical Disney line competitive streak, so I would never do this.

Anyhow, after the props warehouse, you are loaded onto a "moving tram" that will take you to Catastrophe Canyon. I won't give away the big surprise in Catastrophe Canyon because that is the one part of the tour that is really neat.

However, the tram ride totally blows now. They used to take you through all of these neat areas where you could see costumes being made or movie/tv sets actually being filmed. They also took you to this area where they had famous tv houses set up. The most famous being the Golden Girls house. It was a really nice and relaxing bus ride. It also gave you a good chance to get off of your feet for awhile.

Now the tram zips you into the canyon and through a costume/props department and then you are done. Wham, Bam, Thank You Mam. Really, they have taken all of the romance out of the ride.

So, 2/5 or 4/10 stars. If you are on a quick trip, I'd say this is one that could be missed.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Things I Don't Understand: twitter hashtags

I was just having a conversation with Grace about how I find twitter to not be user friendly. I still haven't figured out how you post something to someone else. So, I'm sort of a twitter idiot. However, I use it to follow other people, so I still read a lot of people's twitter pages. Mostly for comedy.

Awhile back, I started noticing these stupid "hashtags" where some dope would write "I'm eating a sammy #hungry #Subway". How annoying is that? I quickly learned that there is a hashtag for everything. For instance, you can hashtag a television show, a state, a person, an adjective, a restaurant, a feeling. You can even hashtag sounds. The most popular (and annoying) being #wah.

So, not only can we tell the world what asinine and pointless thing we are doing at that very moment, we can now also link them all together through totally made up and useless hashtags. To show my readers how stupid these things are, I've decided to come up with my potential twitter posts and hashtags. #Enjoy!

  • I'm posting to twitter while sitting on the toilet! #stinky #makemycoworkersuncomfortable #colonhealth

  • I just got hit by a car while walking and tweeting. #ouch #WAH #goingtohospital #thatwillleaveamark

  • I'm so depressed I just ate 50 doughnuts. #fattie #nofriends #WAH #iamugly #cryingoutforhelp #ineedahug

  • Just spent tons of money while shopping at Saks. #ishopcauseimrich #glamorous #helpingtheeconomy #imhot

  • I just spotted an alien abducting my neighbor's cat. #forrealz #imnotdrunk #ihatecats #myneighborhoodisscary #area51

  • Someone brought a really ugly baby to church. #afaceonlyamothercouldlove #woof #offensive

I could go on and on with these, but I won't. You can see how stupid they are just by looking at them. I have great fear for the young people of America.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Super Sad True Love Story

I bought this book solely because I loved the cover. Some books will do that to me. I knew nothing about it and just dove in head first. This book is scary because I think it's a very real depiction of what America will be like in 50 years (or less).

I know I've talked about this book before on the blog, but let me reiterate a few things. The hero of the story is an ordinary guy living in America. And he reads...classics...which is very unhip in the future. You see, the future in this story has everyone obsessed with an online program that allows you to post everything that you are feeling and tell friends and strangers where you are at that exact moment. The future also has these devices that you wear around your neck allowing you to be linked in at every possible moment and also scanned for how hot you are and what your credit rating is. It's freaky because I can totally see this happening (or in some cases already see it happening).

Anyhow, this ordinary dum-dum falls for a vain, materialistic girl who loves only to spend money. She spends money on things called Onion Skin Jeans, which are translucent pants. Anyhow, the ordinary guy will do anything for this girl even though she treats him like crap. Then she falls for the dum-dum's boss, who is actually this really old dude who is obsessed with youth and basically has some Benjamin Buttons reverse aging shit going on. That guy creeped me out. And the book always mentions that the guy smelled like preservation. Gross.

Then America basically falls apart due to an economic collapse. It's all very freaky and sad and people are dying and the dum-dum realizes that this young girl isn't all she's cracked up to be.

I thought the book was really good. It was both funny and sad and walked that fine line of being satirical without being preachy. However, I didn't love the characters. The shopaholic girl was just a little bit too annoying for me. Even at the end when she redeems herself a little bit, I still thought she was the most obnoxious person I've ever read. So, I could have done without that.

So, 4/5 or 8/10 stars.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Government Shutdown-itis and Random Acts of Douchebaggery

While many people across America were celebrating their freedom and liberty this weekend, Minnesota government was shut down. Yes, that's right, Minnesota currently has no budget in place due to a Democrat governor and Republican legislature not being able to play nice with each other. Therefore, any government service deemed nonessential is shutdown and thousands of works have been temporarily laid off. God Bless America.

This shutdown has made me angry on many levels. First is this ridiculous need to support one party or the other. People, listen to me, these politicians should not be supported. There is no need to join the facebook page to support Governor Mark Dayton. He's as much at fault as the Republicans are. What we should be supporting is resolving this bipartisan standoff. I have a right to renew my driver's license, visit the nearest reststop for an emergency bathroom break and go to a state park. That right is being violated by petty politics. Supporting one party and criticizing another is not helping this situation. All of these politicians are to blame and I'm really hoping that they feel it in the next elections.

Second thing that I'm spitting tacks about is the fact that these assclowns didn't work on the shutdown one bit this weekend. The public was told that it was because both sides needed to relax and rejuvenate over the weekend. Cut the shit. They wanted to go up to their lakehomes and enjoy the municipality fireworks. I guarantee you that if these douches were forced to work this weekend, the matter would have been resolved by Saturday at the latest. Nothing motivates state employees more than the threat of having to work on a holiday. NOTHING! If they had been forced to work and had come to a resolution, then people would be back to their jobs today and all state government services would be restored. As it is right now, we are several days away from a resolution. It's really not fair to the people of this state.

So, I'm pissed. And I'm one of the essential government employees. Let's hope that the lawmakers get it through their heads that they have a job to do and not getting that job done will cost them their seat.