Sunday, January 31, 2010

Greatest Holiday in the World!

Happy Feb's Eve everyone! Here's to another great month.

Also, post your Feb's Eve resolutions, mine is to hang the pictures in my apartment. You know, because I've only lived there 6 months now.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Tomorrowland Speedway

Somewhere past Fantasyland and at the beginning of Tomorrowland lies a racetrack of fear. Btw, are these technically Go Karts? I'm not really sure. It's basically little cars with room enough for two. You have steer, but you're on a fixed track, and you have to push down the pedal, which doesn't sound like much work, but beware that pushing down that pedal took all the energy I could muster and about 2 years off of my life.

I had never been on this ride before. There was always a long line and the whole go kart concept didn't really appeal to me. I had a bad experience on bumper boats as a child and even though it's not the same thing, I have this irrational aversion to bumper boats, cars and go karts. However, in my quest to rate all the rides at Disney, I decided to give this a whirl.

Well, that was a mistake.

Here's how my experience went: Stand in line for ride, discuss with my mother who will drive the car, I lose discussion and end up in driver's seat, realize that there's a complicated procedure for when and how you can start your car, realize that pushing the pedal will take both my foot and my mother's foot on top of my own, realize that the car's steering is incredibly finicky, realize that anytime the car is steered slightly off course it will hit the track and bounce you off the other side which results in a chain reaction of whiplash, realize that the whiplash causes you to take your concentration off the pedal and then cars behind you bump into you giving you more whiplash, realize that the grandpa in front of us has let his 7 year old granddaughter drive, 7 year old can't push the pedal down hard enough and so she keeps starting and stopping, this means I have to start and stop, people behind keep bumping into me....

Are you tired of reading yet? Well, about midway through the ride, I was so sick of the nonsense I wanted to just get up and walk off the track. Apparently this is frowned upon.

I certainly frown upon taking any part in this ride. 0/5 stars. Hated it.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Kids On Leashes

Nothing gives me quite so much joy as seeing a kid on a leash. It's awesome. I love the way it silently tells everyone around you that your kid is so much trouble and such a pain in your ass that you have to drag him around like a dog.

Honestly I think leashing your kid is one of the laziest things you can do as a parent. I mean I know kids can be fast, but youre an adult. You should definitely be able to outrun a kid and at the very least overpower them. If not, it's probably time to hit the gym.

I understand that some chillin's are quite squirrely and in a crowded place could easily get lost, but just watch them carefully. Isn't that what parenting is all about? I mean 90% of the other parents are able to watch their children and not lose them without having to resort to putting their kid on a leash. So, what's wrong with those other parents?

Plus, think about the kid. Having to walk around on a leash must be humiliating and demoralizing. Can you imagine having to watch hundreds of other kids roam free and you're stuck on a leash? Let's take a closer look at what being on a leash really looks like:

Sadness! This little tyke wants to run free!

Parents, please take your kids off leashes. It's cruel and unusual punishment and we just don't stand for that in America.

Friday, January 15, 2010

The Poisonwood Bible

There is a part of me that will always love this book because of where I was when I read it. I read this book in Florida this past October. I love vacation books because even just thinking about them brings you back to vacation and sometimes, mid-week at work, you need that little reminder that stepping away from work is totally possible. Plus, the last time I was in real sun created heat was October 23, when I sat outside waiting for the bus to take me back to the airport and reading this book.

But, beyond all of that nostalgia that the book holds for me, the actual book itself was all kinds of lovely. It's sort of a no-brainer that I liked it being as the story involves Africa and is very character-driven.

Let's talk about that story, shall we? It all revolves around the Price family, a mother, crazy father and 4 daughters. The father is a missionary (and let's just say he put the "ish" in missionary) who brings his family to the Congo to "spread God's word". Except the Congolese don't exactly take to the preaching and especially don't take to the preacher as he basically tells them that their long held beliefs are wrong. He's a douche.

But the story really centers around the girls and their adjustment to living in Africa. How they changed or stayed the same and how they grew apart from one another. It also centers around the turmoil of the country and how despite the danger that the political climate posed to his family, the dbag father wouldn't let them leave. I hated that guy.

There are some amazing scenes in the novel and I'm so glad that Hollywood hasn't yet bastardized those scenes into a movie. For those of you who have read it, did Ruth May break your heart? She broke my heart.
I loved this book and because I loved it, you should read it and love it as well.

4/5 or 8/10 stars.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

So, It's True What They Say...

Here's an exchange taken from a taped police interview:

Q: So, what did the guy with the gun look like?
A: Ah...I don't...I don't...okay, he's probably like me, same. Most Asians the same size, man. Same height, man. Same features, man.

Asians must be really screwed in a police lineup.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Toy Story: Midway Mania

Behold one of the newer attractions at Disneyworld, Hollywood Studios (still can't get used to calling it that) to be exact. And listen this ride is SPECTACULAR! Off the charts AMAZING AND AWESOME. If you are annoyed by my all caps, please stop hating, it's the only way I can express how truly great this ride is.

One takes a fricking year to get on it. Although, there's a fastpass, which helps. Here is my advice to you. Get to HS before it opens and stand in the massive group that gathers down Hollywood Boulevard. Then when they open those gates, don't heed their warnings, RUN DON'T WALK to the Toy Story fastpass line. Push down anyone who dares get in your way, babies, elderly, handicapped. It don't matter, this is imperative. Then, get to the fastpass line and wait. Once you get your fastpass go to the actual ride line and wait the probably 20 minutes, it will be the fastest wait for this ride all day. It's that popular.

Ed. Sidenote: I usually don't condone the super aggressive fastpass behavior, but in this case I do. You want to go on this ride as many times as possible and that can only happen by being a complete beeyotch.

Once inside the building, you will be brought into a world where toys are larger than life. Behold this Candyland game:

So, it's kind of fun, but still you're in a queue, which is never that fun. Then you get your 3D glasses and you wait in line some more. But then you encounter this:

It's basically a vehicle to fun. If you can see it in this picture, you sit 2 by 2 in a car that has a little video game gun with a pull string. You put the 3D glasses on and travel inside. It's basically a huge video game with carnival games. It's awesome. They have balloon pop, plate break, the ring game, etc. And everything is worth points. So, you try to get as many points as you can and at the end they tally up the points to see who the winners are! I always like validation from video games telling me that I am, in fact, a winner.

It doesn't sound like much, but it's super interactive and amazingly fun. This is my new favorite ride at all of Disneyworld. I mean, I would mow down a grandma on oxygen in a wheelchair holding a premature infant to get on this ride.

5/5, 10/10, 100/100, 1,000/1,000 stars. Loves. It.