Things I Don't Understand, 2010 Edition

Last year, here were the things I didn't understand: Crocs, Hannah Montana, Lindsay Lohan's job, Trader Joe's and Jodi Picoult books. I still don't understand these things, although Lindsay Lohan has become more clear (as in, no one will hire her, but she continues to spend money as if she's making money because she's a crackhead either that or she actually is making money and I'm the crackhead). But, out with the old and in with the new. I have a new list of things that boggle my mind.
1. Uggs - I actually sort of get these. They are warm and comfy and cozy, but they are also ugly looking and expensive and they break down easily. I consider these a security blanket for your feet. I've seen people wearing their beat down Uggs to the grocery store...in June... Do your feet really need to be warm in June? Plus if any other shoe got so beat down that it looked like your dog had attacked them, peed on them and then left them in the street for a semi truck to run them over, you should have some self-respect and throw the effers out. But not Uggs. Oh no, Uggs you hold onto until all of the life has been sucked from their toasty shearling soles. Uggs puzzle me.

2. Kristen Stewart - she is a terrible actress. TERRIBLE! Did anyone see the scene in Twilight where she's in the hospital bed and Edward tells her he's leaving? Plus, I've seen her in other movies and she kind of does the same thing over and over again. It's like she just plays herself in every movie she's in, which isn't acting, it's just reciting lines. In 5 years she'll probably win an Oscar for reciting lines as herself playing an ugly, fat chick.

3. Elevator Etiquette - it's like elevators make people forget how to be polite. When I'm in an elevator and it stops on the floor I need to get out on and there's someone there waiting to get on the elevator, they storm it like the Bastille on 7/14. I always want to shout "I GET OUT BEFORE YOU GET ON!" Anything other than that is rude. Honestly. It's the rule.

4. Health Insurance - Here's what I know about health insurance. It's awesome even when it sucks so hard, it is complicated and confusing and no one ever likes to explain it (although it seems like everyone else in the world understands it even when I don't have a clue) and there is a debate about it. I read the newspaper articles and still don't really understand the debate. I think, when boiled down to idiot, it's because people want more coverage, but other people don't want to give more coverage. Or something. Anyhow, at open enrollment time at my work, I looked at all of the charts, read all of the information and came to the conclusion that I am dumb and therefore, extremely lucky to be insured. Just the other day I told my mom I was making a dentist appointment and she asked me if I had coverage. My response: "Hellz if I know."

5. Ed Hardy - People, please. If you are still spending money on these clothes, you should burn in hell for all of eternity. The dude from the octuplet show reveres his Ed Hardy tees, that should tell you something.

A year from now, I'm hoping at least 2 of these mysteries are cleared up for me, as well as at least one from the previous year. I'm hoping it's the Jodi Piccoult books. Because that shit ain't right.

Loving Frank

I'm so behind in my book reviewing!! Here's another one, I'll try to remember to add a picture later.

Loving Frank was a book recommendation by my boss. I never would have picked it up had she not said anything, but I'm so glad that she did. This book is so good and so interesting. Has anyone ever heard of this story before. Frank Lloyd Wright had an affair in the early 1900's, the scandal caused his career to fall apart, he went to Europe for awhile, was deep in debt, came back and built this amazing house in Wisconsin and then tragedy and sadness ensues. The ending of this story is probably the worst thing I have ever read AND...it's all a true story. I can't believe that I had never heard it before.

But, let's back up. This book struck a chord with me early on and initially I thought I was going to hate it. Mamah Borthwick, the protagonist and Frank Lloyd Wright's married mistress, leaves her husband and two small children, to go to Europe with Frank Lloyd Wright and be all lovey-dovey with him. It was so selfish and Mamah seemed so cavalier about doing it. I spent the first 100 pages of the book hating her. But, as the book continued and the layers unpeeled, you realize that she is not okay with her decision. She's devastated and heartbroken and trying to find her place in the world. She was caught between duty and obligation to her children and to herself. I definitely did not agree with her decisions, but I also understood them and sympathized with her.

When Mamah and Frank finally come back to the states, they are trying to build a life together. They are shamed by many people and they have difficulties in their relationship. Just when things start to go right, they all go terribly wrong.

As I said, I knew nothing about this story, so what happens at the end is completely shocking. I hate spoiling endings, so I won't do it here. But let's just say that someone meets a tragic end and your heart absolutely breaks.

Loving Frank is an incredible story and is pretty well written. I thought at times the story dragged on a bit and could have been edited down, but that's just me being picky.

4/5 or 8/10 stars!

Packages

Look how pretty! This year I decided to do theme wrapping. The theme being red, green and white. I outdid myself! And look how lovely they are under the tree...

The Maltese Falcon

The Maltese Falcon is the original crime detective novel. I finally got around to reading it after hearing reference to it repeatedly. The Maltese Falcon is one of those things in entertainment that shows or movies like to make reference or pay homage to (aka copy) in order to make themselves sound smart. It usually doesn't work, but it always intrigued me as to what the novel is actually about.

So, it was good, but not fantastic. Basically I can't give you a rundown of the book for two reasons. 1. It was confusing, lots of twists and turns, people aren't who they seem to be and the book reads at a fast pace, so paraphrasing it would be difficult. And 2. I read it about 3 months ago and can't remember shit about the plot. That should tell you something.

But, I did like the book and the writing was impeccable. Props to Dashiell Hammet.

4/5 or 7/10 stars.

Random Acts of Douchebaggery

This was a note an anonymous neighbor left on my door for everyone else to see. The best part is that I never have the radio on. I guess not never, but almost never. And when it's on it's not on loud. I think she got the wrong apartment. What a bitch.

Jay Bird Walk

I know the correct term is jaywalking, but in my head, whenever I think of "jaywalking", I actually think the words "jaybirdwalking". Weird, right.

Whatever the term is, it's illegal. Which is also weird.

What I have noticed, however, is that the probability of seeing someone jaybirdwalking goes up about 80% in Minnesota once the weather gets cold. So, even though jaybirdwalking becomes exponentially more dangerous with high snowbanks and slippery roads, Minnesotans choose the worst of days to throw on their crusty Uggs and forge into the middle of the roads with oncoming traffic approaching from both sides.

Now, I know it's cold. And I know walking outside in the cold is a bitch in the truest sense of the word. But, Minnesotans (particularly those in the vicinity of West Seventh), I implore you to walk the extra 5 steps to the crosswalk and wait patiently for the lights. Don't jump the snowbank and don't start running like a mad fool once you see a tiny break in the traffic. These words will save your life.

Expedition Everest

Caution, this ride can make you sick. Fo' realz. It actually used to be worse. My mom and I were at the Animal Kingdom a few years back when they were "testing" the ride. We went on it and it gave me the best headrush. But there were people who staggered off of it and went straight for the trashcan. I'm not even joking. We saw at least 2 people do this.

Here's the deal, the coaster goes both forward and backward. Not only that, but it's pitch black and there's a point where you actually can't tell whether you are going forward or backward. It's wicked fun. There's also a yeti. He pops up from time to time wreaking havoc on young folks minds.

Funny story about this ride. The last time we were at the WDW, there was a British family in line behind us. The line was long and the family had this little 7 year old girl. She was terrified and kept crying that she didn't want to go on the ride. Her dad was being rather cold (typical Brit) and told her that she had to go on the ride because she's a big girl and can't be scared of things. She was begging him to not make her go on it and the father replied: "Ella, we all have to do things that scare us. Daddy does this by looking in the mirror everyday." Surprisingly, this seemed to soothe the girl. The ride, however, did not. The girl was wailing when she got off.

Scarred for life. That's what this ride will do to you.

5/5 or 9/10 stars.

A Happy December

This image comes straight from my homemaking idol Ms. Martha Stewart. One day I will make this wreath for Christmas.

On that note...Happy December! I hope that everyone is busy mulling cider, eating cookies, roasting chesters nuts, sipping cocoa and enjoying smoldering fires. Yay for the holidays!

An Open Letter to All Attorneys

...Or at least every attorney that I work with.

Dear Attorneys,

Please get your shit together so that I don't have to babysit you. Please put things into your calendars, please listen to your voicemail daily, please check your email daily, please be prepared for jury trials, please stop with your mothereffing bullshit excuses. It would be much appreciated, 'kay, thanks.

XOXO,
Molly

Me On...

I never post celebrity things, but this smacked me upside the head in a way that only something seriously shocking can do. I'm just going to bust it out: What the fuck is going on here?

This is Leighton Meester. Leighton Meester is gorgeous, except apparently last night someone hit her with an ugly stick. I think they paid special attention to the pants. And they didn't just hit her, they beat her down. Ugh....my eyes hurt.

The pants. I'm speechless.

Complete Annoyance Is...

Ordering a shit ton of stuff from sephora.com and 5 minutes after placing the order receiving an email stating: Don't forget to use this promotional code and save 20% off your entire sephora.com order.

Thanks bitch.

On a more positive note, I'm up to 22 books read for the year. Stop laughing, it's sort of a lofty achievement, especially considering that at least 5 of these books were 500+ pages.

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

The French title for this book (and movie) is Le Scaphandre et le Papillon, sounds sexy right? Anyhow, I feel like I first need to talk about the movie before I can talk about the book.

I rented this movie on netflix about a year and a half ago. I knew NOTHING about it, didn't even know it was a book. I just knew it was french and sad. At the time I watched the movie I was unemployed, it was 2:00 A.M. and I was already sad. I thought watching a sad movie isn't going to hurt. Except the movie isn't really sad as much as it's moving. It moved my little black heart to feel tears burn hot against my cheeks for about 3 hours after the movie finished. Seriously, it's that good.

So, the book...this was my first book for the readathon. It's short, but so full if you know what I mean. Here's the story. The narrator was the editor of French Elle and suffered a massive stroke one day. The stroke didn't kill him, just left him with this thing called locked-in syndrome, meaning he could see, think and hear, but couldn't move a muscle. He literally couldn't move a muscle in his body with the exception of one...his eye. The story tells what it's like to live like that. Just a vegetable, but with your mind fully functioning.

The truly gripping part of the story is that this guy, Jean Dominique-Bauby, wrote the book while living with the locked-in syndrome. HE BLINKED OUT THE BOOK. For realz. A lady came to the hospital and they came up with this blinking system and he blinked out what he wanted to say and she wrote it down.

If your mind just exploded, that's a totally natural response. Here I was watching this movie, unemployed and spending the majority of my day watching the food network and feeling sorry for myself. When I found out that there is a person in the world he wrote a book while completely paralyzed I realized that finding a job was something I could do.

5/5 or 9/10 stars.

Clearly its the First Time She's Heard of a Fax Machine

Here's a snippet of a conversation that I had yesterday morning:

Lady on Phone: Can you fax a copy of that NCO cancellation to the workhouse?
Me: Yes.
Lady on Phone: Great, when will you do that?
Me: I will likely do that this morning, before noon.
Lady on Phone: And how long will it take to get to the workhouse?
Me: Via fax...seriously...
Lady on Phone: Yes, will it take a few days to get to the workhouse if you send it by the fax? I don't know how it works.
Me: A fax is instantaneous.
Lady on Phone: Really, wow, that's awesome.
Me: Yes, modern technology is like that.

Honestly. This is my life.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

For reals. They've added zombies to a literary classic. It's true madness.

The original Pride and Prejudice is one of my fav books of all time. And this new book is basically the old one with a few added scenes thrown in that make jolly old England overrun with the living dead. I'm not sure I really got it. Was it supposed to be a satire of the times? Was it supposed to be a satire of the book?

My main issue came via this quote set:

"She [Elizabeth] remembered the lead ammunition in her pocket and offered it to him. 'Your balls, Mr. Darcy?'

He reached out and closed her hand around them and offered: 'They belong to you Miss Bennet.'"

Listen Seth Grahame-Smith, keep your balls joke out of my favorite literary classic. But that's not the only balls joke, they're all over the book.

I'm not really sure how to rate this book. It's Pride and Prejudice, so that's a 5/5 star, but then the added parts made some of it funnier and other parts really, really annoying. I think the best that I can do is 2/5 or 5/10 stars.

P.S. There's also a book Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters. I hope that's the last of the bastardizing of classic works of literature.

When Robert Frost Poetry Comes to Life

Happy Happy October

Only 3 months left to this year! Madness. But seriously, I almost forgot about NME this month. The horrors. I'm sometimes a calendar idiot and didn't realize there were only 30 days in September. Big whoops! I should be fired from my position as CEO of the NME movement, but since I'm the only one who cares, I ain't skerred.

So, Happy October to everyone!!! Anyone up for a little pumpkin carving?

Living with the Land

This is one of those rides at Disney that's really meant for old folks enjoyment, giving your feet a much needed rest, catching up on family gossip and inducing the young'uns to a fast sleep. It's a boat ride where you look at plants and some fish, but there's a twist! The plants are growing in strange and wondrous ways. Behold:

It's a nine-pound lemon. Here's a closer view of the product:

Don't ask me why you'd want a nine pound lemon, but there they are all the same.

Anyhow, you hop in this boat and go through this greenhouse area with the lemons and a bunch of other plants, then you look at some fish in tubes and then this is usually the part in the ride where I take a nap. For reals. Although nowadays it's not so easy, the ride used to be about an hour long, but they've shortened it. I think there's some other scenes mixed in there too, but the real gold's in the greenhouse area.

So, 2/5 stars. This is a ride to go on when you're sick of waiting in lines and want a little rest from the hustle and bustle.

The Devil in the White City

This book left me frustrated. The cover promises: murder, magic and mayhem and it did NOT deliver. I'm a little magics magpie and when magics are promised then I WANT THE MAGIC. This book didn't have it...like at all...wtf?

The other thing I couldn't support with this book is that there's really two independent stories going on. The first story thread is about the Chicago World's Fair and all of the struggles in making the fair a success. The second storyline is all about a mass murderer who set up shop in Chicago during the fair. The only time the stories really intersect is when the murdering maniac brings some unsuspecting lady friend to the fair and then a few days later kills her.

Anyhow, this book would have been great as two books. The story of the murderer is interesting and so is the story about building the fair. Together it's a whole lotta too much going on. Plus, Larson commits a cardinal sin of crime novels, he never really gets into the psychology of the killer. Why does he do it? Obviously he's bat shit crazy, but the best crime stories give a psychological profile of the killer and you won't find one in this story.

Plus, there's the whole absence of magic thing. It would be like if the hit television show Charmed decided to bill themselves as a story about three witches, but the witches didn't have any powers and all the show focused on was their real life careers. Boring!

So, 2/5 or 4/10 stars.

Me On...Twitter

So, I've been on Twitter for awhile now, I don't really use it, I just thought I would check it out and see what the hype is about. Guys, it's amazing (and confusing). But seriously, more amazing than anything else. It's basically the world's best gossip network, except it's almost unfair gossip. I feel like there's really two types of gossip. There's the gossip that's so easy to get because the subject of the gossip is such an attention whore that they basically spread the news themselves and then there's the good gossip, the kind you just sort of stumble upon (like two co-workers making out in a usually unoccupied stairwell). I prefer the second type of gossip because I feel like it's fate giving me a reward for good behavior.

Anyhow, Twitter puts on full display for the world to see the 1st type of gossip. It's shameless and tacky, but it's such a guilty pleasure of mine.

For instance, did you know that you can find out what Miley Cyrus is doing RIGHT NOW. For realz, she tweets every 20 minutes about what she's doing. An hour ago she wrote that she woke up with a sore throat and laments that she is always sick. Boo effing hoo, go cry into your million dollar bills Miley.

Then there's the celebrity twitter catfight. I'm not even kidding. Celebrities wage wars of words over twitter and they are priceless. They are about things that so don't matter, but the celebs think that they're saving the world by getting into the fight. My fav was between Demi Moore and Perez Hilton and it had something to do with a photo of Demi's 13 year old daughter looking like a skank, so Perez called her a skank which brought down Demi's "mother wrath." Phenomenal. And again, you witness it real time.

But, the best twitter to watch is Lindsay Lohan. If you haven't seen it, you must. It's twitter.com/lindsaylohan. This girl is a trainwreck, which is obvious enough, but she keeps making it more obvious by posting what other internet peeps have referred to as "cracktweets". And they are. To make the situation even more comical is the fact that she often will tweet things to other celebs and NO ONE EVER RESPONDS! But this bitch doesn't care, she just keeps tweeting, like people are writing to her every other minute. But they're not! HA! Nothing makes you feel better than knowing that a once upon a time Hollywood megastar now can't even get a famewhore like Miley Cyrus to tweet her back.

My point is that Twitter is like a gift of gossipy goodness that keeps on giving. Loves. It.

READATHON

Last week I hosted my first charity event...a 12-hour readathon. It was a SUCCESS! Although, I realized how slow of a reader I actually am. Boo! Oh well.

After completing 5 books (2 by me, 1 by my mom and 2 by Ro), $100 will be donated to the Valentino Achak Deng Foundation, which is currently asking for donations to build and run schools in Sudan. Here is their website http://www.valentinoachakdeng.org/. Valentino Achak Deng is the hero of my favorite book of the year What is the What.

A special thanks to Anne, Molly, Jess, Nolan, Grace, Rosanna and mom for coming to the event and helping raise the funds!! As you can see by the photo above, Nolan was the most avid reader of the group.

Listen With Me...

Is anyone else listening to the new Mika album that came out on Tuesday? Love. Love. Love.

My current favorite is Good Gone Girl, which I'm listening to right now and wishing I was dancing, but I'm not because I'm at work. Although I'm alone in my office, so maybe a few shimmies wouldn't hurt.

My CT is Scanned

I had a CT scan this morning. Calm down, there's nothing wrong. It's just a standard procedure for a follow-up from another appointment. I actually don't know why they ordered it, but my insurance is happy to pay for it, so what the hell.

At first the nurses were all, you're going to have to drink barium. I cried. Then when I got there this morning, they were all, we're going to put an IV in and shoot you up with iodine instead. Sweetness!

And it was sweet, except the iodine tastes like metal. And you would think you can't taste something that's intravenously being gushed into your body, but you can. About 10 minutes later, one thing became perfectly clear: I'm allergic to iodine.

Ha! Laugh's on the nurses because they didn't know beforehand. I didn't know either. So, a doctor had to come and check on me, but he wouldn't come into my little waiting room. Instead he stood in the hall and announced "You had a slight allergic reaction. You appear to be fine now." Um, dude...Hippa? Now the entire hall knows of a new way to kill me. Bastard.

The Glass Castle

After reading this book, the first word that came to mind was "Wow", second was "Damn". Except the second word I said in ghetto vernacular, so it came out as dizzamn!

This is a book about parents who don't really want to have any responsibility and drag their kids from city to city keeping them in squalor and poverty the whole time. What's worse is that these people don't have to be poor. Not only are both parents exceptionally bright, but the mom is sitting on land worth millions of dollars that she doesn't do anything with because she can't bear to part with it.

It's a sad little tale where the parents look like the worst parents of all time. But, it appears throughout the whole book that the kidlets have an undying devotion to their parents and will continue to support and help them even though they have done terrible things to them throughout their lives. Which maybe is how it should be, but I don't know if I'd be that strong of a person.

The author has stated that she loved the way she grew up and it made her the person she is today (i.e. rich and motivated to succeed). However, I feel like my parents did the same for me by being strict, placing boundaries on my freedom as a child and giving me good morals. They did all of this while still providing me with food on a daily basis. The parents in this story couldn't even manage to do that even though at many points there was definitely enough money for bread and a jar of peanut butter. Which is basically all I needed from the age of 5 to 20.

What annoyed me about this book is in the end 3 out of the 4 kids succeed and have wonderful, healthy lives. Which isn't realistic. There are thousands of kids in the U.S. that grow up just like the Walls' who don't succeed or don't even make it out of childhood and I don't think that is reflected in this book.

So, 3/5 or 7/10 stars.

It's September, Yo.

So, this weekend it decided to turn fall. I have mixed feelings. I love the fall, but also love the summer and we didn't really have much of a summer. But, oh well. Let the apple picking begin!

BTW, how much do you bitches need to thank me. I think August on the whole was much warmer than the rest of the summer and I'm sure that my NME resolution has the world to do with it. I resolved and it happened. Just call me Gandalf (the Grey, not the white...as I told you when reviewing The Return of the King, once he turned white he lost all of his mojo).

September is going to be one helluva fun month. I have a couple of friends going back to school, Jess & Tony's 5 year anniversary, hs reunion (which I'm actually not that excited about) and most importantly the READATHON!

If you haven't heard, I'm hosting a charity readathon. 12 hours, $10 per book read.

So, my September goal is to read 7 books. I'm actually hoping to surpass this, but you know how I feel with NME resolutions...baby steps!

It's A Small World

Look at those little wooden shoes. These children are Dutch, obviously. They are also a cliche. I love a good cliche, therefore, I love this Disney ride as it's ripe with cliches. For instance, the french kids are doing the can-can, irish kids are leprachauns, middle eastern kids are riding magic carpets outside the Taj Mahal and the asian kids all look the same! No, I'm joking, Ro said that last part and she's asian, so it's all good.

There's not much else to say about the ride. You get in a boat and sail through different rooms with dancing, singing children of different races. The problem is these kids sing the same damn song for eternity, so you're bound to get this tiresome tune into your head. For an added bonus, the boats get all backed up towards the end and you are likely to be stuck in one room for 5-10 minutes. Staring at the same creepy wooden creatures and still listening to that damn song.

Still, it's a Disney classic and one that they haven't tampered with, so I give them credit for that.

3/5 stars!

KStew Slays Me

I just read this quote on people.com from an interview with Kristen Stewart (of Twilight fame) regarding filming of her new movie New Moon:

"I always had a really hard time figuring out 'Am I doing enough? Do I look like I'm going to die?'"

I'm pretty certain I know the answer here. It's no, right? I mean, I have cinder blocks in my basement that emote more pain than she could on a good day.

Side note (and sorry about this one, I can't hold it in). I've always had a question about Bella and Edward's relationship. What do they do at Bella's special time of the month? Seriously. Think about it.

Lawyers At Their Finest

Behold this gem from our Florence hearing the other day:

Defense atty: So, you can't give specifics on any of the specifics from the interview with the Defendant?
Homicide detective: Could you please be more specific.

This is what advanced doctoral degrees get you.

Africa, Kansas, Detroit

I read three extremely different books in the last couple of months. I will review them for you now so that you don't have to read them.

What is the What - This is an amazing book. It follows a Sudanese refugee as he walks across Sudan to get to a refugee camp in northern Kenya. The book is heartbreaking as people are dying all around the hero. With all of this darkness, there is also a lot of light. This is a story of survival and the strength of humans. It makes you want to go out and save the world. Anything else that I could write about this would dwarf the story and it was too beautiful to do that. So...5/5 or 10/10 stars. Best book I've read all year.

In Cold Blood - I sort of had a different idea of what this story was going to be. I thought it was going to be a real life murder mystery a la one of those 48 hours reports. It's not really so much of a mystery as we know what happens at the very beginning, so that was kind of disappointing. What wasn't disappointing was the actual story. It follows killers in Kansas and enters their psyche to see what drives someone to commit murder. Capote is an amazing character writer. He makes you feel sympathetic for one of the killers. He makes them people, not monsters...and it's disturbing. It makes the reader feel terrible for thinking that these people are anything other than monsters. The one thing I couldn't get behind was Capote's knack for extremely long sentences. Sentences that go on for lines and lines with no punctuation. I get to the middle of the sentence and have no idea how it started. RUDE! 3/5 or 7/10 stars.

Middlesex - When I started this book, the only thing I knew about it was that it dealt with hermaphrodites. But that's really simplifying things. What it's really about is family and immigration, growing up and realizing who you are. The story unfolds in gorgeous layers. First in Greece/Turkey, then in Detroit and Berlin, then in New York and California. What I loved most about this book was that you couldn't see what was going to happen next. There were many times when I thought, Damn, that's a shock. I was nervous about the book too because while I love The Virgin Suicides, I'll be the first to admit that it was a little bit boring at times. Middlesex is not boring, it's fine storytelling. 4/5 or 8/10 stars.

The Bucket List

Did anyone see this movie? I'm sure even if you did, you fell asleep about 5 minutes in. Old people have that effect on the big screen.

Every time I think about this term, I giggle. I think it's because I hear Morgan Freeman saying "...before you kick the bucket." And then laughing like dying is HIGH-larious.

But I love lists, so I've often secretly loved this idea. I decided to make a "lifelist" because I don't plan on dying soon. I want to have at least a thousand things on this list and then I will chart their progress on the blog.

Does anyone have any idea how effing difficult it is to think of 1000 things to do?? I'm up to about 75 and my brain wants to explode.

I just re-read this entry and WOW! Most boring entry ever. I must officially be a blogger, where I'm rambling on about things no one cares about (and before blogs were just relegated to people's own heads where they damn well belonged). My blog has become like ambien and old people in movies and tv shows.

Look at this...

I want this in my life. It's whimsical and nonfunctional...everything that I adore. If anyone sees something like this whilst furniture shopping, alert me immediately. I'd give a finger for this chair.

New Month Eve Success!

Remember when I asked you all to help me with NME resolutions for August and wish for warmer weather. Well, looks like it worked. For the past few days I have had to take off my sweater or jacket while I am walking the 4 (or so) blocks from my car to office....in the morning. Now that's something to be happy about this summer.

I'll celebrate my contribution to the world with sangria this evening.

Meet Ramsey

All summer long, my dad has been promising he'd get a new puppy. This weekend he made good on that promise and got this little cutie. This is the calmest puppy you have ever met. And he already loves me, so I know he's a keeper.

Tower of Terror

It's scary right. Very ominous and foreboding. Listen, it scared my mother so badly she refuses to go on this ride, so it must be scary!

The Tower of Terror is a trip down freaky deaky memory lane. It takes you back to the Twilight Zone (which, btw, I've begun renting via Netflix and it's pretty damn good) where bizarre things happen and that creepy music is played. You know what I'm talking about. Typed out it's all "Ne nu ne nu ne nu ne nu"...right...I know, scary.

They really play up the theme on this one, the peeps that operate the ride are even rude to your face. When you get on the ride they're all like "Enjoy your death" and "Wave to your family members, you'll never see them again". I have been stuck in that elevator car with way too many young kids who end up terrified and crying for the first 15 minutes of the ride (yes, it's that long). Then, because the ride's long, they get bored until...HOLY SHIT THE BOTTOM OF THIS ELEVATOR JUST DROPPED OUT!

And down you go. Then you shoot back up. Then the bottom effing drops out again. AHHH! The bastards got me.

When the ride first opened it dropped a couple of times and the second time was kind of a half drop. It continued like this for awhile until the operator peeps noticed that kids were coming off the ride being all like "Bitch please, that was nothing". Then they shook it up and now there are something like 20 patterns that your elevator car could take you on. Sometimes it will hold you up at the top and the doors to the outside open up so you can see the park and you're thinking when is this damn thing going to drop...crickets...more crickets....even more...then it drops a bit and stops..crickets and then BAM! It also goes up and down at least 4 times. That was when my mom said she was done and would never go back on it.

I miss the ride, but I feel like this is one of those where Walt's in his frozen cryogenic chamber thinking "We could've done better".

So, 2/5 stars.

I Need Your Help!

Happy August! No, seriously, it's August. I know that you might think it's May or early June, but it's not. It's August. Summer's almost over bitches.

August is going to be a busy month for me. I'm moving, I've got trips I need to plan, trips I need to take, a charity event to organize, an apartment to paint, doctor's appointments, car issues. I'm tired already.

Speaking of apartment organizing and styling, what do you think of the bookshelf shown in this pic:

I've seen this before and I kind of love it. It's books organized by cover color. Is that too anal?

Don't worry, my complete busyness is not going to detract from my main responsibility of promoting NME. I do need everyone's help, though, in this month's NME resolution. My resolution is to make it warm and sunny outside. I know I'm setting myself up for failure with this one, but seriously. I'd like to not wear my lightweight sweater one of these days. I mean really is something in the 80's too much to ask for?

So, who's with me!! Who will help me achieve success with this month's resolution?

I Can't Make This Stuff Up

A lady showed up for her sentencing yesterday wearing a t-shirt that boldly stated: TALK SHIT, GET HIT! Classy.

What makes this story better is that the tshirt was covering her baby bump.

I Hate Bicyclists

One time a few years back, Grace was living in Seattle and Ro and I decided to pay her a visit. While we were out there, Grace came up with this brilliant idea to visit Bainbridge Island via car ferry. Ro had rented a car and we were going to drive it up onto the car ferry, ship it and ourselves over to Bainbridge, take a leisurely drive, visit a few shops and cafes and then travel back to Seattle for a fancy dinner. It sounds lovely, right? Well, it turned into a royal disaster because of effing bikers.

First of all, the car ferry trip was precarious. We had the luck of the draw and started a new line of cars which meant that our car was the first car parked on the downward part of an incline into the ocean with only an emergency brake and a wooden block under the tires to keep it from rolling right out to sea. At first I didn't know that we could get out of the car and go up to the main deck, so I thought we were going to have to sit in the car staring at death for the half hour ride. Luckily our car made it safely and we drove off the fairy (typo that I'm keeping!) into the beauty that is Bainbridge Island.

Unluckily, there was a huge bike race around the island and there were hundreds of bikers polluting the streets. This meant our leisurely drive turned into a white knuckle scream session. Seriously, the bikers would get into packs of about 40-50 and would surround a car, so that the car could only go as fast as the bikers (which, fyi, isn't as fast as they think it is) and then once there would be a break in the pack and you would think you could get your car around them, they would dart in front of you, causing you to almost hit them and make the rest of the bike pack start yelling at you. It was terrifying.

We finally found this road that had 5 million dollar homes on it and NO BIKERS! It was heaven. And btw, the road was called Toe Jam Rd. Seriously.

Anyways, this weekend, as I was driving the streets of the STP, I noticed many bicyclers and my hatred of them was brought back ten fold. What is it about these assholes that makes them think they rule the road? Is it the brightly colored spandex? My feeling is...I'm in a car, you're on a bike. I win. Get the eff out of my way. When will they learn?

Kilimanjaro Safaris

I will probably have many updates today because I'm supposed to be packing up my apartment. Whenever I have real work to do, I always end up procrastinating and doing other, less helpful things. So, here it goes...another ride review.

The Kilimanjaro Safari ride is at the Animal Kingdom...or the WDW version of a zoo. Only it's more exotic than a zoo because the animals are "free roaming" and they have things like gazelles running amok.

So, you get in this truck and they tell you that your going on a 2 week safari. You ride around the "African veldt" and see things like this:

And sometimes you see this:

It's a baby giraffe! Yay! And if you are really lucky, then you'll see something like this:

It's not the greatest picture, but it's a lion. You almost never see the lions because the lazy bastards sleep all day, but this one was awake and standing...and roaring. Okay, that last part was a lie because he was yawning, but still, I was pretty impressed.

As you can see, this ride brings you up close and personal with the animals. There are hippos, rhinos, zebras, gazelles, these african cattle, lions, alligators, elephants, ostriches AND MORE. It's impressive.

Go on this ride many times throughout the day because the animals sort of move around and feed at different times of the day, so it's always a different experience. The best time to go is right away in the morning. They have just released the animals from their nighttime cages and are feeding them, so most of the animals are out and active. By late afternoon, they are usually over the tourist shit and just laying around like the lazy pieces they truly are.

5/5 stars! It's fun for babies and senior citizens.

Movies I'm Excited For

I always get really excited for movies to come out in the theaters. It gives me something to look forward to because I love going to movies! Here's a short list of the movies I can't wait for in the next year and a half (don't judge me on my horrible taste in movies!):

1. 9 (hits theaters 9/9/09) - it's some creep city movie by Tim Burton and it looks just this side of fantastical.
2. Shutter Island (10/2/09) - Two Words: Leonardo DiCaprio. Enough said.
3. The Box (10/30/09) - It's Cameron Diaz and a hot piece as her husband. Frank Langella shows up with a box and says open the box, press a button, you'll become really rich, but someone you don't know will die! It will either be great or terrible. Either way I'm sure I'll love it.
4. New Moon (11/20/09) - The first movie was crap, I hate Kristen Stewart, but I can't look away.
5. SATC 2 (5/28/10) - I admit, it's mostly about the clothes for me. I love watching how they make seriously aging women look relevant and hot just by adding louboutin heels and dior bags.
6. Eclipse (6/30/10) - I said I can't look away.
7. Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows, Part 1 (11/19/10) - Splitting the book into two movies is normally something I would frown upon, but in this case, it needed to be done and I'm so excited to pay the money to see how it all turns out!

It's kind of sad that this is all the movies I'm excited for in the next year and a half. Are we still dealing with the writer's strike or is it just crappy filmmaking?

Spaceship Earth

This is Spaceship Earth. It's the main attraction at Epcot Center. I had forgotten that I was reviewing rides at WDW until I saw the news item about Walter Cronkite. I was so sad (and kind of surprised because I thought he died a few years back) because Walter was my favorite narrator of the old school Spaceship Earth ride.

Back in the day, when I made my first pilgrimage to the WDW, the first place my mother took me was Epcot Center. She thought it would be less crowded. We walked in and I saw this giant golf ball in the sky and said, what happens in there? My mother took me by the hand, onto the moving platform and into the rotating cars for a magical journey through time! Seriously, they built a time machine inside a giant golf ball and Walter Cronkite used to narrate it. It was beautiful.

I wikipedia'd this shit to find out what went wrong with the ride. You see, somewhere around 1994, some asshole decided to mess with a good thing and remodel the ride. That would have been fine, except they cut the hotness right out of it! They swapped Walter Cronkite's magical voice for JEREMY IRONS! It was awful. I had a panic attack the next time I went on the ride. But at least then it was still the original ride.

Imagine my horror when this past January I went back to the WDW to find that AT&T no longer sponsors the ride. Now some German company does, and zee Germans ruined the ride! And they have JUDI DENCH narrating it! It's even more awful than Jeremy Irons. Plus, they cut out my favorite scene. There's a place in the ride where there's an ancient Roman street and they say "All roads lead to Rome". Then in the next scene there's destruction because since all roads led to Rome that meant that the riff raff could get in and they did and destroyed the shit out of the city. Anyhow, there was this fog that smelled like rotten feet... I think it was meant to be burning flesh...but it was my favorite. NO LONGER! Zee Germans cut it out. Now you ride through that part and it smells normal, which really takes away from the magics.

So, my review is as follows:

5/5 for the Walter version

3/5 for the Irons version...and

2/5 for the Dame Judi version

I Missed Bastille Day

So, I missed it...missed the French National Holiday that I was going to celebrate by drinking champagne and eating fries at Barbette. Shit. That would have been a good day.

Mostly I missed it because I've been recovering from a sinus infection and sleeping massive amounts because the medicines knock me out. And also because there are many changes in store for my life.

Here's the scoop. I am restless...all the time...and I hate being bored. Basically I get in these ruts and just can't handle it. My body starts twitching and my mind doesn't operate. I usually fix this by going on vacation. But, that's not going to happen anytime soon. So instead I had to make life changes. It's kind of fun because my mind is suddenly operating again and I'm my normal, organized and controlled self!

Now...as for the life changes...Any ideas?

Happy July and Birthday!

First off - Happy Birthday to Annie! Anne, you are so much older than me. No, but seriously, happy birthday. You have one of the greatest birthdays ever because it's not only your birthday, but an obscure and made up holiday! I'm so jealous. Hope you have a fab day.

Secondly, it's July! A month of heat and fireworks. I do have to say that out of all the NME celebrations, July's may be my least favorite. Only because it's impossible for me to plan and falls 4 days before the most depressing day of my year. But, with that being said...I will still drink and will still make resolutions.

My July resolution: to be outdoors more. Here's a reason why I may need to be outdoors more...
Friend: Everyone wants to sit on the patio even though it's freezing because we've all come out of our winter lockdowns and feel guilty about not being outside.
Me: I never feel guilty about not being outside.
Friend: Well, you're an exception.

I think what he wanted to say was "you're weird". Anyways...this month brings us Bastille day and the birth of Baby Habben. So let's get celebrating.

Me, on Shopping

The chaos you see above is my closet. I love my closet. I love adding things to my closet. Some people, however, have the idea that I shop all the time and spend ridiculous amounts of money on clothes. This is just not the truth. I shop all the time and spend non-ridiculous amounts of money on clothes because I am scrupulous about shopping. I have rules and I will share them with you now.

1. Only spend major amounts of moneys on things that no one else has or will ever have (with one exception...jeans). This means don't spend moneys on things at chain stores (Gap, Banana, A&F, etc.)
2. 20% off is not a sale, it's an enticement to buy. You are being suckered into buying things you don't need because of the claim of a sale. A sale is 40% off or more. 20% off is all smoke and mirrors.
3. Don't buy something trendy because it's trendy. Listen, I'll wear almost anything...I'm not a big fashion rules kind of gal. But I can't stand it when people wear trends that make them look terrible. It's like, yes you look very fashion forward and like you've been eating 50 doughnuts a day for the last year. Case in point...SKINNY JEANS...
4. Stalk online websites! It's the truth. STALK THEM LIKE IT'S YOUR EFFING JOB! There are many times when I have fallen in love with a dress or top that's too expensive. So, I wait till it goes on sale (remember 20% off is not a sale) and then usually say, gee, that's still a lot of money. As I hymn and haw about whether to buy the damn thing it's usually out in my size. But then I stalk the website repeatedly and relentlessly and then MAGIC, they have it in my size for about 70% off. How do you like them apples?
5. You will never regret spending money on jeans. Never. Ever.
6. If a fancier department store has terrible service, don't buy from them. I live and die by this rule. I stopped shopping at the Nordstrom store because of it. In the Nordstrom "savvy" department, nothing is cheaper than $150. That's a shit ton of moneys. But the sales girls are complete beeyotches and will barely acknowledge your paltry presence. So I never buy anything from them. Not a thing. At Len Druskin I'm greeted with a smile, hello and a damn glass of water, why should I settle for anything less?

These are my rules. Brilliant right?

One Hundred Years of Solitude

Let's just say that when Gabriel Garcia Marquez writes a book about a family over a hundred year period of time, it's going to take you an effing century to read what he's written. That's how I felt about this book. It was beautiful and long and confusing. There were characters with the same name and you could never really tell where you were in the time period of this family. But, that was the point...I think. I think the book was about being in a rut that you just can't get out of and you continue to make the same mistakes and you continue to punish yourself which only leads to making the same mistakes. It's this bizarre loop that you can't get out of.

I loved the characters in this book and I loved reading about the beauty of the setting and time period. But I started to lose steam about halfway through. It was one of those books where I wanted to get to the end, but it seemed like I would NEVER get there. Seriously, there were nights when I would read for an hour or more and felt like I didn't actually read anything. Plus there was so much going on that it seemed like the only way to get anything out of it was to read it a few more times, but the thought of that left me in tears. I loved it and hated it, I was inspired and annoyed, uplifted and frustrated. I felt kind of blah about it.

So...3/5 or 7/10 stars. And I can't put myself through the torture of reading it again anytime soon. Maybe in a few years I'll love it like it's supposed to be loved.

Teens As Hipsters

Add this to the list of things I don't understand. Everywhere I go I see teenage kids wearing skinny jeans, wayfarers and generally looking like they don't shower or wash their clothes. It's a fashion statement that says "My body grew up in Eagan, but my soul lives in Northeast Minneapolis." WTF? If you can't drink a PBR, you are not a hipster. Posers.

Happy Beginning of Summer!

June's here, June's here!! June's Eve is my third favorite NME as it marks the beginning of summer. Summer is a time when I make lists of things I want to do and then never do them, so it fits right in with NME traditions.

Here are things I'm looking forward to in June: the arrival of FBH (future baby Hauth) (although when he arrives, he will not be future), my baby brother's trip to France and birthday (I don't get to go to France, but I do get to see his pictures), Grand Old Days, Becca's Going Away party (although not looking forward to the going away part...boo), Annie Mish's bday (whoops, it's Bosick now, but I love her birthday the most because it makes her 4 days older than me). I'm hoping there will be other things to look forward to, but the way 2009 is going, I'm on a bullet train to snoozeville.

Movies, Margaritas and (Apparently) Lock-Ins

This is the Parkway theatre in Minneapolis. It's my new favorite...except actually an old favorite because I went there about 3 years ago with Grace to see Paradise Now. She drove and I had no idea where we were. I was in my "sheltered suburb phase". All I knew was there was a Turtle Bread Company and a mexican restaurant nearby. So, I asked around and no one knew what the hell I was talking about. BUT...now I've found it yet again and it's even better because...wait for it...they effing serve margaritas!

A couple of gfs and I saw Sunshine Cleaning this weekend and this was the only theatre showing it. $5 for the movie, $5 for the margarita (and it was a tequilay margarita, if you know what I mean) and then there are love seats to cuddle in. Seriously the first 3 rows or so are love seats. We didn't cuddle, though. The love seats were occupied by old people who were not cuddling, but were sitting very far apart. What a waste, and I hate cuddling!

The best part of the evening was that after the movie, we were lingering in our seats for a minute (I had to finish my margarita) and all of a sudden a stream of 12-14 year old boys come running in with pillows and sleeping bags. WTF? So, we asked the movie machine operator: "WTF?" And he said two words (or one, hyphenated): "Lock-in." For reals, there was a young man lock-in where the young men were going to play video games on the giant screen.

Becca now wants to have an adult lock-in, but I'm pretty sure that's called kidnapping.

In Defense of Food

Did anyone catch Anna Wintour on 60 Minutes this weekend? No...crickets... Well, this is my favorite quote:

"I'd just been on a trip to Minnesota, where I can only kindly describe most of the people I saw as little houses," Wintour said.

SLAM! Anyhow, I think the author of In Defense of Food might agree. Although, I don't think this is just a Minnesota thing. The book talks about the science of nutrition and food and how basically food science is junk science. He lauds organic vegetables and fruits, homemade meals and CSA boxes and makes a compelling argument for why America should start adjusting their diets. A lot of times books like this make me skeptical, but I bought this one. It just seems to fit, that eating the processed crap is changing our bodies in ways for the worse. However, do you have any idea how difficult it is to stay away from processed foods? Especially in Minnesota, where growing season is for only 5 months of the year. This book, however, made me feel like I need to make more of a commitment to eating healthier...and perhaps giving up the 6-8 diet cokes I drink every day.

In a side note, last week I needed to go to the grocery store and since I was reading IDOF, I decided to try out the Whole Foods in St. Paul. I had been in there before to pick up one or two items, but never actually grocery shopped. It gave me anxiety. Seriously, can we talk about how narrow the aisles in that place? Definitely not wide enough for my little house ass to walk through it. And it was so crowded with St. Paul middle aged yuppies. So, now I'm in a real dilemma, should I actually drive out to the Uptown Whole Foods to grocery shop? I'm considering it.

Quote of the Week

This quote happened whilst browsing the framed "artwork" section of IKEA:

Kara: Molly's really good at finding studs.
Molly: I am not, however, so good at nailing them.

Feel free to laugh out loud now.

Polish Your Poles...It's May's Eve!

Happy May! Hope tonight brings everyone lots of merriment and pole dancing. I still haven't decided on a NME Resolution for May. I'm feeling kind of spicy today, so perhaps I should resurrect the make out with a random resolution. Thoughts? Resolutions of your own?

Main Street, USA

This is the opening scene at the Magic Kingdom...at Halloween. If you want to know what it looks like at other times of the year, imagine it without the Mickey pumpkins. How cute and whimsical is this? Basically there's not a lot to do down Main Street besides stroll and spend your hard earned money on crap you don't need.

Now, Main Street U.S.A. is one of the best places in the world to witness a toddler (oh hell, you might even see a grown ass teenager) meltdown. My favorite is at nighttime when the street vendors are selling things that light up for $50 and the kiddies go nuts! And let me tell you, if you are a parent, bringing your child to the WDW, you better reserve moneys for something that lights every night of the week. Either that or avoid the parks at night. If you don't buy your kid a light-up toy before the fireworks show, they will scream. Believe it! While I think it's fun watching these meltdowns, I'm told others find it annoying.

So, Main Street gets a 3/5 from me. It's got ambiance, but is basically just a huge toilet for your moneys.

Me, on Disneyworld

I'm not an expert on many things in life (in fact I've failed at more than I've excelled), but there is one thing that I am almost more than an expert. DISNEY WORLD! No, seriously. I'm a huge dork and often dream about going on vacation there. I really think I need to share all of this wisdom via blog. Otherwise, I'm just sharing it with myself via brain and that's no fun.

Without further ado, I'm going to start this off with giving my favorites at the WDW.

Favorite Park: Animal Kingdom
Favorite Ride: Rock 'N Roller Coaster (with runners up being Test Track at Epcot and the new Toy Story Mania game)
Favorite Restaurant: Flame Tree BBQ at Animal Kingdom (I would actually drive the many hours down to Orlando just to eat their bbq pork sandwich. I also have the recipe for their bbq sauce and it's more delicious than you can imagine).
Favorite Hotel: Port Orleans French Quarter or the Boardwalk (it's a tie! I actually have never stayed at the Boardwalk, but it's beautiful and I can imagine staying there will make me feel like I'm transported to a seaside Boardwalk at the turn of the century. It's all very Daisy Miller in my fantasy).
Favorite Nighttime Entertainment: Wishes Nighttime Spectacular at the Magic Kingdom
Favorite Ice Cream: Auntie Gravity's Strawberry Smoothies

Yay! This is so exciting and definitely the dorkiest thing on this blog. Unfortunately, if you meet me, there are many dorkier things in my life than this!