Reflections of China

I'm coming to an end of my reviews of Epcot Center's attractions.  The only attractions I have left to review are movies.  Movies are a necessary evil at the WDW.  As Billy Bob Thornton tells the kid Thurman Murmon in Bad Santa when he replaces his advent calendar chocolate with a candy corn and Advil, "They can't all be winners."

So, hear me out.  Movies at Epcot Center are fine.  They aren't great, but they get you out of the sun and into the air conditioning and are usually visually beautiful.  But your kids probably don't want to sit through them.  Bribe them with a little bit of candy and you will be fine.

Reflections of China is the movie that plays in the 360 degree theatre in the China pavilion.  As I said above, the movie is fine.  It is visually stunning and the fact that you are immersed in the film because it's playing on all sides of you is entertaining.  The movie is a bit long, though.  And also outdated.  They updated the film in 2003, so almost 12 years have past.  It might be time for another update.

It's hard to judge the movies harshly because I don't think the film is bad.  It just is not what you and your kids are at Disney for, right?  But part of the World Showcase is learning about cultures, and so I think it is a good thing to expose your kids too.

If you don't see the movie, definitely venture back into the China pavilion.  Out of all the pavilions, I believe the China one has the best stores and restaurants.  Most of the stores have traditional candy and snack items from the country they are representing.  The snack section in the Chinese pavilion is huge and filled with lots of interesting treats.  It is definitely fun for a browse.  Plus they have really beautiful gardens and peaceful waterways in the back so it is worth the stroll.

I'm going to give Reflections of China 3/5 stars.  But the pavilion I will give 5/5 stars.

Monster's Laugh Floor

Disney loves people with senses of humor.  They like to do a lot of audience participation gags, and so love to call out random people in the audience and poke a little fun at them.  They love it when they get show boaters who can take the joke and have fun with it.  I am absolutely not one of those people.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you the one Disneyworld attraction that I will never again go to.  In fact, I'd call this the most horrible of the Disneyworld attractions.

Fun fact about me: I am really great at public speaking.  I can rock any kind of prepared speech or presentation.  But I hate being called out in front of a large group of people.  It actually makes my blood run cold and my bones go rigid.  I can't move, think, or speak.  It's the most awful feeling in the world.  You can imagine how I felt about the socratic method of teaching that law schools use to question you during classes.

When Monsters, Inc. Laugh Floor first opened in Tomorrowland, I was excited to try it out.  I loved the movie Monsters, Inc.  It's still one of my favorite Disney movies.  I remember going into the theatre the first time completely unaware of what was going to happen.  I thought it would be a fun little movie where the seats squirted water at you, like Mickey's Philharmonic in Fantasyland.  I was wrong.  Monsters, Inc. Laugh Floor is nothing like that.

Here's the setup, Monsters, Inc. needs to collect laughs to refill their power source.  So they are going to do this comedy show to get the crowd laughing.  Comedy is great, but this comedy was at the audience's expense.

What transpires in the 15 minutes that you are in the theatre is horrific.  There is a camera somewhere that randomly selects people in the audience and puts their picture up on a screen in front of HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE.  Then they make fun of you.  I'm not even joking.  Everyone in a room is laughing at a joke made at your expense.  It's absolutely terrible.  You never know if your ugly mug will be the next one projected onto a screen the size of a movie theatre screen.  The anxiety that swept through me during my one and only time at the Laugh Floor attraction probably took a year or two off of my life.

I walked out safe because I didn't make it onto the big screen, but I vowed to never again step foot in the Monsters, Inc. Laugh Floor.  This attraction is truly terrible.  Skip it.  Always skip it.  It's my dream to give the Laugh Floor its final and eternal shepherd hook.

Zero stars.

The Seas with Nemo and Friends

I call this ride, The Ride Formerly Known as the Dumbest Ride in Disney History.  If you remember The Living Seas of Epcot old, you know what I am talking about.  The Living Seas used to be a big whatever in Epcot Center.  I guess if you were really into fish it could have been somewhat interesting.  I enjoyed a good aquarium, but that was really all there was to see in The Living Seas.  It wasn't even that great of an aquarium.  Although I think there was maybe a manatee.

After the success of Finding Nemo, Disney people came up with the brilliant idea to make The Living Seas a themed area with the theme being the characters in the movie Finding Nemo.  It has greatly improved the fun factor of this area and was a much needed renovation.

In order to access the exhibits inside The Seas building, you first need to get on a cute little ride with Nemo and all of his pals.  You board a "clammobile" (Disney's term, not mine), which essentially takes you through a shortened recreation of the Finding Nemo movie.  Nemo swims along with you and takes you through the sea complete with sharks, jellyfish and turtles.  Towards the end you are shown a live aquarium where you can see real fish swimming along with the Nemo characters. 

This ride is the cutest, just like the movie.  They stay pretty true to the Nemo story and bring it alive in a creative way.  It's a neat ride because I enjoyed it, but I also noticed that very little children were excited to find Nemo, so it's entertaining to people of all ages. 

My one piece of advice is to have a sweater when you enter the ride area.  For some reason the queue to the ride is super long.  Not long as in you will wait a long time in line, but long as in from where you enter the line to where you board the clammobile is a long distance to walk.  And it's always really cold in the queue area.  I am such a baby about being in the cold in a tank top or sundress, so I always reach for my cardigan before heading into the ride.  You will thank me for this tip!

I love this ride as much for it's cuteness as for the fact that it is so much better than before.  4/5 or 8/10 stars!

Pangani Forest Exploration Trail

In the Africa section of Animal Kingdom, they have a nice walking path called Pangani Forest Exploration Trail.  This path takes you through a more "zoo-like" area of Animal Kingdom so that you can see more of the animals in the park.

Here are some examples of animals that you will see:

One of the things that I love about Animal Kingdom is that you get really good views of the animals.  The Pangani Forest Trail is no exception, and I think it is one of the best examples of how up close and personal you can get to the animals while visiting Animal Kingdom.

The best time to go is early in the morning right when the park opens.  The trail can get crowded with lots of people up at the front of the barricades trying to see the animals.  In the mornings, the trail is almost empty, and we are able to see everything very well.  Another added bonus to being there first is that the animal experts are usually free to answer any questions, or to give more information about animal behavior.  The third reason to go in the morning is that the animals are fed in the mornings and so are more active.  For instance, the gorilla was super active on the morning pictured above, and I was able to get tons of great pictures of him walking around.

I give this attraction a 4/5 or 8/10 stars.  I always wish these trails were a bit longer with more animals to see.

Indiana Jones Epic Stunt Spectacular

Truth Squad: I have only seen two of the four Indiana Jones movies.  And one of them was the craptastic Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.  The other one that I have seen is The Last Crusade, which is why whenever anyone asks me my favorite Indiana Jones movie, I always respond with "The Last Crusade," and then the people always say, "Really, that one is my least favorite."  I have no excuse for not seeing the movies.  It just wasn't something I was interested in when they were popular, and now I have better things to watch...like The Real Housewives of New Jersey, on repeat.

At Disney's Hollywood Studios there is a pretty great stunt show featuring stunts from the Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark movie.  This show has been around since they opened the park in 1989 and not much has changed since then.  In all honesty, this is one of those shows that doesn't need any upgrades because it's pretty perfect just the way it is.

First, the theater is HUGE.  And shaded.  While it isn't air-conditioned, it's usually pretty cool because you are out of the sun and they have large fans going.  The show runs about 25 minutes, so it can be a nice respite from the midday sun.  They only run the show a few times per day, so you want to check the show times when you first get to the park. 

The show has some really great examples of extreme action stunt work.  I haven't seen Raiders of the Lost Ark, but even I can appreciate the famous scenes that they recreate before the audience.  I would even go as far as to say that what you see is incredible.  It really is that good.  There are choreographed fight scenes, pyrotechnics, audience participation (there is one gag in particular that gets me every time), and great acrobatics.  I have seen this show many times, and yet every time I notice something new. 

This really is an amazing show to see.  I wouldn't miss it during your trip.  5 out of 5 or 9 out of 10 stars. 

On a side note, one of the difficult things about Hollywood Studios is timing out your day.  There are several shows and parades that make it difficult to get everything in on one visit.  My expert advice is to plan on visiting the Studios at least twice during your visit.  I don't think you need to spend a full day either time, but it will make it easier to fit everything in if you space your visits on two separate days.  The Indiana Jones show is on an opposite end of the park as Lights! Motors! Action!, and I have noticed that they usually space the shows where you could only do one in the morning and one in the afternoon.  When you factor in walking time, time standing in line, and time waiting for the show to begin, it eats up at least an hour and a half of your time for each show.  To me it makes sense to spend two mornings at the Studios, or a morning and an afternoon so that you can fit everything in. 

Welcome Back and Magic Carpets of Aladdin

I took a hiatus.  It was a good way to refocus and recharge, like a vacation.  The vacation got longer and longer and finally I realized that it was going to be more difficult to get back to blogging than I thought.  I do, however, miss my creative writing outlet and decided to get back to semi-regular posting with a new theme.  Nothing makes me happier than traveling.  I just love it and love seeing and experiencing new places and things.  Whenever I'm out of town I feel like I'm a grand adventurer.  I wanted to bring that feeling to the blog, so for now I'm going to be more focused on my traveling explorations, advice, and funny stories.  Plus, I just got back from two amazing trips in May (one to New Orleans and one to Washington D.C.) and will probably get two more in before the end of the year (possibly Denver and a fall colors tour of Maine).  So, I will have lots to share with you! 

I love hearing about other people's travel adventures and tips and I hope that this blog will get me back to my happy place.  And for those fans who loved my "Random Acts of Douchebaggery" segment, never fear.  RAD's are staying.  Not only do I need this blog to be a place of fun and lightness, but occasionally I need it as a place to vent.

Without further ado, we are back to the place where my true vacation expertise lies, Walt Disney World. 

When you get into the heart of Adventureland you will find yourself in a clusterfudge of people, strollers, flying water and The Magic Carpets of Aladdin.  This ride is in the weirdest place.  Normally the WDW planners are really great at flow.  There aren't a lot of human bottlenecks in the parks, and if there is a jam-up it's usually for a reason.  So, maybe that is the case here, that there's a reason for the placement of this ride.  However, every time I come upon this obnoxious spitting camel, I feel like the ride is terribly out of place.

The Magic Carpets are your run of the mill circular kiddie ride.  You know the ones, you climb into your little car and the arm lifts you up into the air and you ride in a circle for a few minutes.  It's the kind of thing that little kids squeal at and adults can feel the breeze in their face.  So, it's pretty boring and basic until...

...Imagine, there you are enjoying  your dumb old circle ride when you get smacked in the face by a shot of water.  This is what can happen to you on The Magic Carpets.  You see, down on the ground level, the other guests can pay a quarter to put into a golden camel and aim it at the flying carpets.  They press a trigger button and the camel spits at  you.  It's really weird and kind of obnoxious.  Maybe I'm a party pooper, but I revert right back to my junior high self feeling like I'm being picked on by cooler kids.

I wish I could get out of my own head sometimes and think that being "spit" on by a camel while riding a magic carpet is fun, but I don't.  I just don't. 

This is one of those rides that I tend to avoid.  I realize, however, that it's not actually a terrible ride, so I'm giving it 3/5 or 6/10 stars. 

Gran Fiesta Tour

One of my long held beliefs is that the Mexico pavilion at Epcot Center leaves a little something to be desired.  They recently added a large restaurant right outside the main building that is decent.  As a kid, I once begged my mom to let us eat at the "fancy" restaurant that is inside the big Mayan temple building and sits along the River of Time.  She relented and the dinner was a big disappointment - flavorless and oniony. 

The only bonus to the Mexican pavilion is that there is a ride inside the temple building.  The ride used to be super dorky and I thought that there was not a chance in hell the ride could be made dorkier.  WRONG! 

A few years back, the ride was updated to include Donald Duck and his singing duck companions.  Together I guess they make the Three Caballeros?  I'm not big into the Disney cartoons, so I have no idea if this is a real thing?  Or just a thing that was made up for the ride. 

The "grand" result is that it's the exact same ride, using the same photos and videos from the early 1980's, except now there is a cartoon duck over the photo doing silly things.  I don't know if kids will find this amusing.  For adults, just visit the La Cava del Tequila first and then you will probably find it a gas.  Me, most of the ride I'm staring at the scenes thinking "What in the hell is going on here?"  I still don't quite understand if the point of the scenes is that Donald Duck is running away from the other two caballeros because he's afraid of performing.  Does Donald Duck have performance anxiety?

The only saving grace is one of the final scenes where there is a "It's A Small World" type fiesta with only Mexican children dancing around and there are fireworks on the wall.  Those make me feel good because I'm a Fourth of July baby.

This ride is pretty terrible.  1 out of 5 or 3 out of 10 stars.  Suck city.

Kali River Rapids

 I'm going to do something kind of unethical today.  I'm going to review a Disney ride that I've never been on before.  How do you feel about that?  I feel fine.

Kali River Rapids is a water ride at Animal Kingdom.  I just don't feel the water rides, something about them doesn't appeal to me.  Plus, I've seen the people coming off of Kali River Rapids and they are SOAKED.  Dripping wet and having to try to dry off their clothes with the hand dryers in the rest room.  So, even on the hottest days I've passed.  Although, in 90 degree Florida weather, it's awfully tempting and would probably feel refreshing.

I've always been curious what it's like inside there.  This guy looks like he's having fun:

The ladies in the blue, however, seem miserable.  Where are your ponchos girls?  Maybe I'd try this one out if I was wearing a dorky poncho.  MAYBE.



I guess this isn't so much of a review as a warning.  Do not go on this ride if you don't like having wet underwear.  That is all. 

The American Idol Experience

The American Idol Experience is one of the newer attractions at Hollywood Studios.  It replaces the live game shows of Let's Make A Deal and Who Wants to Be A Millionaire.  While I don't hate it, a lot of the reason why I like it is because it's so, so, so, so terrible.  Which isn't a positive thing for Disney.

Everyday at Hollywood Studios they have their own mini singing competition.  First, you have to audition at the park sometime in the morning to early-afternoon hours.  They have one show every hour during the day which features 3 "singers" who have passed the audition phase.  During the day shows, the audience chooses one "winner" from the 3 "singers" and that person gets to go to the finale event that evening.  Every night, the finale event allows all of the day's "winners" to "sing" and the audience chooses the best "singer."  That person wins a dream ticket which allows them to bypass the line at any of the actual American Idol auditions.  I would argue that this was an awesome prize a few years ago, but how is American Idol relevant anymore? 

Here is the real deal with this show.  You go into the theatre, which is set up to look like the American Idol stage.  They even have a judging table with the Coca-Cola cups.

Once you get into the theatre, they really try to pump you up and tell you when to cheer and when to boo.  It's super hokey, but I'm sure it's exactly what they do at real live TV tapings.  Then this guy comes out who is doing his best Ryan Seacrest impersonation.  This is where the show is really lame to me.  It would be fun if they would allow the people to have their own personalities, but the people are literally just doing a caricature impersonation of the real American Idol people.  It's so dumb you can't even stand it. 

Then they introduce the "singers."  You will notice I am using this word in quotes because even though I've seen this show 3 times at Hollywood Studios, I have yet to see someone who can actually carry a tune.  After the "singers," they bring out the judges.  This is another terrible part.  The first guy is the "Simon."  He will say mean things and we are told to boo him.  He even speaks with a British accent.  As if all Brits are de facto douchebags.  Then they introduce the crazy woman who may or may not have an alcohol and pain killer mixture in her Coke cup.  Finally is the black guy who says things like "Yo, yo, yo" and "what's up, dog."  At this point, I'm just super offended at Disney for thinking that we are too stupid to recognize that we aren't actually looking at Simon, Paula and Randy.  And, side note, Simon and Paula aren't even on American Idol anymore, so maybe you need to get with the times and hire some JLo's and Steven Tylers.

Finally the people "sing" and it's the worst thing you've ever seen.  The people are uncomfortable, dancing really awkwardly, singing terrible songs and singing them terribly.  You end up being really embarassed for them because they are really close to you.  So close that you can make eye contact if you are brave.  Often times their family members are sitting near you in the audience, so you feel like you have to smile and dance, but at the same time your eardrums are breaking and you have to fight the urge in your body to make that "what the eff is going on here" face.  Folks, it's really, really, really bad.  But, so good at the same time. 

After everyone sings comes the most insufferable part of the entire show.  They have this video that plays featuring Jordin Sparks singing some ridiculous song about dancing together and they want the audience to get up out of their seats and DANCE!  Then they show video on the big screen of the audience members in their Mickey Mouse ears moving and grooving.  Soooooooo awkward and gross.  I live in fear of them putting me up on that screen, so usually I just stand there like an asshole daring them to put my picture up.

I've never been to the finale, but I would say 9 times out of 10 it's going to be a terrible show.  Probably even more so than the day time shows because you have to sit through 7 terrible "singers" instead of 3. 

I give this attraction a 4 out of 10 stars or a 1 out of 5.  I think Disney really needs to rethink this one.  It's poorly done, culturally irrelevant, probably expensive and showcases extremely mediocre talent.  Disney, please, bring back the goofy game shows to this space.  Family Feud anyone?  How awesome would a big game of Family Feud be?

Enchanted Tiki Room

When I was a kid and was planning my first trip to Walt Disney World, my mom got this book called Birnbaum's Guide to Walt Disney World.  This guy, Birnbaum, was an expert at Walt Disney World and the book had all of these helpful tips and tricks on how to navigate the parks.  I loved that book and used to study it religiously.  I truly believe that I missed my calling as a travel book writer and trip planner.

Anyhow, one of Birnbaum's tips that I still use when I go to The Magic Kingdom park is always go to Adventureland first and work your way around to Tomorrowland.  I think the logic here is that people tend to go to Fantasyland and Tomorrowland first (those are directly behind and to the right of Cinderella's castle), so if you go first to Adventureland (which is to the left of the castle) you will miss the crowds.  I'm not sure that this is the truth anymore, but to this day, I have to go to Adventureland first.

One attraction in Adventureland that I often overlook is the Enchanted Tiki Room.  On my last trip there, I realized that I had totally forgotten what happened at this weird little bird show and so my mom and I jumped in line.  I'm really glad that we did because I forgot how funny and cute the Enchanged Tiki Room can be. 

The Tiki Room is really a show where audioanimatronic birds sing to you.  It sounds hokey, and ultimately it is hokey, but it's also pretty cute.  Also, you are at Disneyworld, so don't worry so much about hokiness...it's all a little hokey.  How many more times can I say hokey?  There are birds from France, birds from Spain, birds from the rain forest and the are all gathering to sing rooms that will be stuck in your head all day.  "In the tiki, tiki, tiki, tiki, tiki room, in the tiki, tik, tiki, tiki, tiki room..."  That's the only line I remember.

Alright, so you are seated in this round theatre and the show begins.  The one thing that I don't like is that some of the birds voices are more annoying than others and the show is pretty long, so if you are stuck next to a terrible sounding bird it can be unnerving.  Other than that, just sit back and enjoy the show.  Again, this is one of those attractions that is good for a little rest and air-conditioning.  Mind your necks, though, staring up at the birds can give you near paralysis.  Also, if you are going to use this time to take a nap do not snore.  It's just really rude to the birds.

3/5 or 7/10 stars.  It's not the most fun or the most relevant, but it's a Disney classic and has some cute moments.

O Canada!

I'm not talking about the Canadian national anthem, but the movie that is played in the Canada pavilion at Epcot Center.  Because what could be more interesting than a movie about Canada?  Am I right? 

Okay, I'm totally joking.  Canada is actually such a fun country and filled with so much beauty.  Vancouver and Montreal are the only two cities that I've been too, which is a tragedy.  Montreal was actually one of my favorite trips.  It's like going to France without having to cross the ocean.  They had really fun shopping and people watching, awesome food and no one spoke English.  I think it was actually more difficult to speak English in Montreal than it is in Paris.  I was shocked in Montreal when I walked into a huge department store and had to go to three different cashiers to find one that could speak English.  I actually speak limited French, but they couldn't understand my pronunciation and none of them spoke a word of English. 

I'm digressing here.  What I really wanted to talk about is Disney's O Canada! film.  My mom used to drag me to this film when I was younger and even now as an adult it's not my favorite.  The film's scenery is beautiful, but it's in one of those 360 degree theatres, so you have to stand with your neck craned to watch it.  I hate that.  They really should make those theatres for short people, or give short people little booster stands so that you don't strain your neck so much. 

The film isn't my favorite, but what I've really grown to love is the Canada pavilion's grounds.  They have these gorgeous flower gardens that you can walk through.  Look!

They really keep the gardens looking tip top, so if you have a few spare moments, it's worth strolling through.  There aren't a lot of calm moments on the Disneyworld grounds, but the paths through these flower gardens are often overlooked and you can find a moment of serenity within them.

The film is kind of a downer, but the grounds are gorgeous, so I'm giving this one a 5/10 or 2/5 stars.

Wildlife Express Train

This is going to be a rough review, but let's start with the positive.  The good thing about taking the Wildlife Express Train to Rafiki's Planet Watch at Disney's Animal Kingdom is that the actual train ride is relaxing.  No one goes on this ride, so it's likely that you will have an entire train compartment to yourself.  So, there's that.

Otherwise the whole experience is lackluster.  Remember in the movie Twins where they told Danny DeVito that they took all the best DNA and gave it to Arnold Schwarznegger and that DeVito was just the crap that was leftover.  That's what the train and Rafiki's Planet Watch is.  Leftover Animal Kingdom crap.

Once you get to the Planet Watch, there's a play area for kids and a building with some exhibits that talk about conservation and endangered species.  They have some animals to look at, but it's a lot of stuff that you don't really care to see.  For instance, there's a petting zoo, but I think there's just a few animals out like goats and sheep.  And they smell.  The petting zoo at Valleyfair is better than this one.   

So, it's really lame.  For adults, you just ride the train and then wander around the exhibits for a few minutes only to hop right back onto the train to go back to the park.  For kids, that jungle gym area is a huge problem.  If you get them there, have fun getting them out. 

The only neat thing is that inside the building there's a place where they have veterinarians giving exams to the animals.  So, if you happened to be there when they were showing something really neat like a rhino giving birth, it could be cool.  I think both times I've been back there, the vets haven't been doing anything. 

The only thing that makes this attraction worth bothering with is the relaxing train ride and the possibility of seeing a vet do something cool with the animals.  Otherwise, this is a terrible waste of time and space.

1/5 or 2/10 stars.

Muppet Vision 3D

I was always a huge Muppets fan.  Beaker and Professor Honeydew are my favorite characters.  I used to have all of these Muppet cassette tape story books that I would listen to over and over (This screams child of the 80's to me).  When I would hear Beaker's famous meeps, I would usually rewind so that I could listen to it again.  I really connect with Beaker.  In fact, one of Mike's nicknames for me is Beaker because in the mornings I don't like to speak words, so I've developed a system of hums to accurately get my feelings across.  Mike is like my very own Professor Honeydew.

At Disney's Hollywood Studios, Muppet Vision 3D is an interactive movie.  For some reason, this is one of those attractions that I never think about unless I'm right on top of it and then it's always "I guess we can go in."  It just doesn't excite me that much.  However, once it starts, I am reminded that it's actually a very funny and cute 3D movie that people of all ages can enjoy.

The thing that works about Muppet Vision 3D is that they really go for the 3D gags.  What is the point of a 3D movie if things aren't flying at my face?  This is what I still don't understand about today's 3D movies.  What's the point?  Plus, I hate wearing those goggles during a 2 hour movie.  Anyone else with me?

Back to the Muppets.  The movie is one 3D gag after another, but there's also interactive portions and a pull-at-your-heartstrings storyline.  The reason the movie hasn't been changed for 20 years is because it's so freaking cute!  Don't be like me and pass the Muppets by, this attraction is a hidden gem, plus it's air-conditioned. 

On a side note, I've talked before about how Hollywood Studios has a really bizarre layout and that there are some areas that you would totally miss if you weren't a slave to the guidemap.  Muppet Vision 3D is one of these areas.  So, if you swear you've walked around the entire park and haven't found it, pull out the map. 

4/5 or 8/10 stars for this attraction.  It's sweet, cute, funny, what's not to love?

Snow White's Adventures - R.I.P.

Snow White's Adventures at the WDW is no longer.  They gave it the boots to make room for the new Fantasyland expansion.  The old Snow White's Adventures space will be turned into a princess meet and greet and in the new Fantasyland, there will be a roller coaster ride as a substitute for the old Snow White's Adventures called The Seven Dwarfs (I find it weird that it's Dwarfs and not Dwarves, but this is what spell check is telling me) Mine Train.  I realize that no one consulted me because they don't give a crap about my opinion, but I'm against this bold move. 

Snow White's Adventures was a classic Disney ride and now it's gone.  What did Snow White do to deserve this treatment?  Sure the ride was dumb and a little too scary for the young children that it was geared towards, but that doesn't mean it should get sent to the graveyard. 

In a tribute to a great ride, I will still review this one even though it's totally irrelevant.  First, Snow White's Adventures is scary.  Little children beware.  They do have warnings about this at the ride entrance and in the park maps.  There aren't things jumping out at you or anything of that nature, but there are a lot of dark portions of the ride with creepy music and the Evil Queen dressed in her hag disguise.  I think a 6-year-old should be fine, but kids younger than four might have some nightmares if you force(d) this one upon them. 

Riders are transported through the story of Snow White in a little wooden car.  Things start out smoothly with Snow singing about birds and lollipops and other crap like that.  Little does she know that the Evil Queen hates her face and wants to see her die.  The Huntsman warns Snow to run away and she does so into a forest of creepy, talking trees.  After the forest misery, she meets the seven dwarfs and shacks up with them so she can continue singing about rainbows and fluffy bunnies.  However, when the queen/hag comes knocking at her cottage door with a shiny red apple, Snow acts a fool and eats food from ugly strangers.  What a dumbass.  Snow goes to sleep until her prince comes and kisses her and we have happily ever after.  Clearly Snow's story is a great representation of life and love.

The end.  How could they get rid of this?  3/5 or 6/10 stars.  It wasn't fun, but it wasn't awful enough to be kicked from Fantasyland.  This might be worse than Horizons being booted from Epcot.

Test Track

That's some high quality photography right there.  Not sure what happened with my camera (probably too high of an ISO), but it's the only photo that I have of Test Track.  I roll with the punches peeps.

I wanted to get this review in even though it's now outdated.  Test Track is currently under a major reconstruction and when it reopens this Fall I have no idea what it will be like.  The early buzz is that the test cars will operate on the exact same track, but there's all this business about how the guests will design their own car to take out on the track.  Not sure how it will work and not really sure I'm happy they are changing a ride that really need to be changed or updated.

Test Track, however, used to be sponsored by GM.  When their contract was up this Spring, it was not renewed and Chevrolet is now taking over sponsorship of the ride.  Chevrolet decided to revamp the ride.  I have a feeling this could be a bad move.  If I've learned one thing about Disney it's that they usually shouldn't mess with a good thing.  I'm still  bitter about Horizons.

Anyhow, this review will be about the old Test Track, which you can no longer ride.  It's my beautiful obituary for a great attraction.  Don't get weepy.

When Test Track opened it was AMAZING.  Probably the best thing ever to happen to Epcot because Epcot doesn't have any high thrill rides.  The line queue for Test Track was brilliant and filled with all of these crash test dummies being tested for impacts.  I loved it, there were so many details that even an hour long wait seemed okay.  The thing I didn't love was the music that was playing on an endless loop.  That music was obnoxious.

When you finally got into the test car, you were set through the paces of a real car testing.  They went through different inclines, different types of roadways, the car tested it's turns and whether it could stand up to "harsh" environments.  The environment testing was my favorite part.  You went through a room that had heat lamps and it was incredibly hot and then they put you in an ice chamber.  I loved that part. 

The grand finale of the ride was that they pretend they are crash testing your car and at the crash impact spot you were bolted outdoors to this huge test track where you picked up speed to 70 miles an hour for the big loop.  It was an adrenaline rush and so much fun. 

Overall, the attraction was so incredible because it was well thought out and the attention to details was perfect, as all good Disney attractions are.  I'm just hoping when it reopens it isn't changed too much, because it really didn't need to be. 

For the old Test Track, I give it the highest honors of 5/5 or 9/10 stars.

Wild Africa

When my mom and I were recently at the WDW, we were able to do a behind the scenes tour of the Animal Kingdom called Wild Africa Trek.  It was an amazing experience.  First stop was a hippo feeding.  The above hippo, Hans, was hungry, hungry.  White marbles were not on the menu.

 Hans is saying "Feed me!" while smizing.  Look at those eyes.  Tyra would be proud of you Hans.

 After the hippo pool, we had to walk across two rickety bridges suspended in the air to get to the crocodile pools.  Crocodiles are weird.

 Close your mouth son, I'm not your dinner.

 After the crocs, we got in a jeep for a safari tour through the "savanna."  This little giraffe is trying his hardest to get the leaves at the top of the tree.  If you look closely, you will notice that his tongue is sticking out.  Giraffes are so much fun to watch.  Did you know they only sleep 30 minutes a day?  Crazy, right?

 Next up, elephants.  Here's the little baby elephant.  Makes your heart melt a bit, doesn't it?

 The Ankole Cattle to the left, Ace, was having a rough morning.  He kept bucking and kicking up dirt and finally charged after one of the safari cars.  That must have calmed him down.  I'm sure some of the Disneygoers in the safari car crapped their pants, though.


Now we are getting to my favorite pictures, the lions!  When we first got to the lion den, the male lion was laying down and you could barely see him.  The safari guide was telling us that male lions sleep 18 hours a day and that it was unlikely we would get a better picture of him.  He must have heard the guy and wanted to prove him wrong because all of a sudden, he was sitting up.

 How awesome is this picture?  Look at that mane of hair.  It weights 50 pounds!!  I began silently chanting in my head "Look this way, look this way, look this way" to the tune of Aerosmith's "Walk this Way".  The lion must be a psychic because look...

How regal is that face?  I wish I could have walked right up to him and snuggled him.  Lions don't think much of snuggling, though.  They are more of an eating type.  Oh well.

The Wild Africa Trek was so much fun and so incredibly interesting.  We learned tons of great information about animals in the wild and what different types of behaviors mean.  We also learned about Disney's conservation efforts and animals that are in danger of extinction.  The animals in the greatest danger of extinction are the white rhinos which have not been seen in the wild in several years.  Disney is sending their male white rhino to Uganda in the hopes that it will mate with a female white rhino there.  I'm really hoping that rhino gets laid.

Happy Vacation

In just 8 hours, I will be on a plane to the WDW.  So excited!  This vacation is coming at the perfect time.  Work has been stressful, there's a lull in wedding planning, which means that there will soon be an upsurge.  I'm looking forward to a week of not thinking.  My brain hurts.
Plus, I want to read.  Things have been so busy that I'm not getting my reading in and I've been missing it, so tonight's plane ride will be paradise to me.  Right now I'm reading The Handmaid's Tale, but I think I will finish it on the plane.  So, I need a second book to download.  I'm thinking I need a nonfiction, like this one:

I watched the show The River on ABC this spring and it made me obsessed with the Amazon.  There's something about the Amazon that gets people obsessed, what is that about?

However, sometimes nonfiction can be hard to get through and I need something that will be a quick read.  This new release looks pretty good:

This is all about mental illness, which is topical for me since that's what I deal with many days at work.  Since it's a new release, though, it's more expensive.  So, then maybe I need something like this:

People have talked a lot about this book and the next one in the series comes out soon.  Usually I like to wait until all books in a series are out because I hate waiting for books when I need to know what happens.  I'm not a patient person.  

I need to decide by the end of the day so I can download it for the plane ride.  Hopefully this will be the only thinking that I have to do today.

When I'm in the WDW, I'm going to be gathering up lots of fun tidbits for the blog.  There are even a few new rides, plus I'm going to start gathering up information on restaurants because I'm close to being done reviewing rides.  My mom and I are also going on a behind the scenes animal trek at the Animal Kingdom, so I will have lots of good animal pics.  Can't wait to share it when I get back. 

Triceratop Spin

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE", can't you just hear that grandma pictured above saying that? I can hear it. These rides are a necessary evil in the parks. There are little humans (some call them toddlers) who go to Disneyworld and if not for rides like Triceratop Spin, they'd have nothing to do. Tragic.

These rides are pretty boring for most of us. You stand in line and, when it's your turn, are shown to your Triceratop. The ride begins, your dino car raises about 20 feet in the air and you spin in a circle for 2 minutes. After that time, you are safely returned to ground level where you disembark.

And that's it. No bells and whistles. Just pure little human fun. And grandmas. Grandmas love these kinds of rides.

3/5 or 6/10 stars. Boring, but necessary.

Beauty and the Beast - Live On Stage

One of the problems with Disney's Hollywood Studios is how difficult it is to plan your day. There's quite a few stage shows that only play at certain times, so you have to catch them when you can. Sometimes it means you are running from one end of the park to the other and back again. Also, the park is not laid out as clearly as the other parks and it's easy to get lost. In fact, before my last trip to Disney, I was researching food places in Hollywood Studios and heard about this restaurant that I had never in my many trips to the parks even seen. So, the other bad thing about Hollywood Studios is that you tend to miss a lot.

Anyhow, the Beauty and the Beast stage show is not my favorite. It's not terrible, but it's basically just a shortened version of the Disney movie and there's nothing that makes me say "We need to see that." So, we usually miss it because the times don't match up in our day.

If you've seen the movie, you know the basic plot of what happens. Beautiful girl is trapped by hideous beast, but learns to love him and breaks the spell! The costumes are very pretty and they keep a good sense of magic about the story. Plus they have all the traditional songs and some good dancing.

I'm not sure why I'm not very into this one. I think the best way to schedule it is to grab a "show schedule" when you first arrive at Hollywood Studios and prioritize your. You need to see "Lights, Motors, Action" and they typically only do that one a few times a day. I think that Indiana Jones is also good (although if you have younger kids, they might be more interested in Beauty and the Beast), so plan on going to that one. Then there is the new American Idol Experience that is also so-so. There's also a parade that is fun for younger kids and Fantasmic (which they don't do every night) which is an awesome fireworks show. It's actually a seated show and while it's a huge amphitheater, to get the best seats, you have to arrive early. My point in all of this is that Hollywood Studios is a park where you really do have to plan your day out and it's best to do that at the beginning of the day so you know when all of the shows are playing.

This show is just mediocre, but if you have young kids who love the movie, they will definitely love the stage show. 2/5 or 4/10 stars.

I don't know why, but Lumiere always cracks me up. This topiary is so dorky.

Splash Mountain

Splash Mountain is the best ride that I hate to go on. You know how there are a lot of water rides where you get a little bit wet. This is absolutely not one of those rides. On Splash Mountain, you get WET. I hate walking around in wet clothes, so I only go on this ride if it's really, really hot outside.

Aside from the getting wet part, the ride is actually awesome. First off, it's long. Secondly, it has a lot of cute animated characters and tells a fun story, the story of Br'er Rabbit who is quite the trickster. Thirdly, the music is great and you'll be singing it the rest of the day (even after you go on "It's A Small World"). And FINALLY, the roller coaster aspect of the ride is amazing. It's one of the better roller coasters in all of the parks!

So, there's a lot of good going on at Splash Mountain. But often, you see the little cars riding around like this:

That's because of the wetness factor. As I said, you get splashed a few times throughout the ride. They kind of space it out, so you get a big splash, then a lot of ride, then another splash, then more ride. Then the final splash comes at the end and there's even MORE RIDE! In the end, you will be wet, but will have some time to dry off so you don't have to walk around with your wet shorts showing off your princess underwears for too long.

If it's warm out, you dry off pretty quickly, but in the cold, that wetness stings! Please, don't be one of those assholes who gets the poncho and wears it on the ride so they don't get wet at all. If you are going on Splash Mountain then own it, suck it up and get wet.

This is a tough ride to rate. If it's hot outside, 5/5 or 10/10 stars. I actually think this is one of the best rides in the whole Magic Kingdom. However, if it's cold, or even lukewarm, outside then 3/5 or 6/10 stars. Not even the best aspects of the ride can overcome how much it sucks to walk around in your cold, wet drawers.