Reflections of China

I'm coming to an end of my reviews of Epcot Center's attractions.  The only attractions I have left to review are movies.  Movies are a necessary evil at the WDW.  As Billy Bob Thornton tells the kid Thurman Murmon in Bad Santa when he replaces his advent calendar chocolate with a candy corn and Advil, "They can't all be winners."

So, hear me out.  Movies at Epcot Center are fine.  They aren't great, but they get you out of the sun and into the air conditioning and are usually visually beautiful.  But your kids probably don't want to sit through them.  Bribe them with a little bit of candy and you will be fine.

Reflections of China is the movie that plays in the 360 degree theatre in the China pavilion.  As I said above, the movie is fine.  It is visually stunning and the fact that you are immersed in the film because it's playing on all sides of you is entertaining.  The movie is a bit long, though.  And also outdated.  They updated the film in 2003, so almost 12 years have past.  It might be time for another update.

It's hard to judge the movies harshly because I don't think the film is bad.  It just is not what you and your kids are at Disney for, right?  But part of the World Showcase is learning about cultures, and so I think it is a good thing to expose your kids too.

If you don't see the movie, definitely venture back into the China pavilion.  Out of all the pavilions, I believe the China one has the best stores and restaurants.  Most of the stores have traditional candy and snack items from the country they are representing.  The snack section in the Chinese pavilion is huge and filled with lots of interesting treats.  It is definitely fun for a browse.  Plus they have really beautiful gardens and peaceful waterways in the back so it is worth the stroll.

I'm going to give Reflections of China 3/5 stars.  But the pavilion I will give 5/5 stars.

The Seas with Nemo and Friends

I call this ride, The Ride Formerly Known as the Dumbest Ride in Disney History.  If you remember The Living Seas of Epcot old, you know what I am talking about.  The Living Seas used to be a big whatever in Epcot Center.  I guess if you were really into fish it could have been somewhat interesting.  I enjoyed a good aquarium, but that was really all there was to see in The Living Seas.  It wasn't even that great of an aquarium.  Although I think there was maybe a manatee.

After the success of Finding Nemo, Disney people came up with the brilliant idea to make The Living Seas a themed area with the theme being the characters in the movie Finding Nemo.  It has greatly improved the fun factor of this area and was a much needed renovation.

In order to access the exhibits inside The Seas building, you first need to get on a cute little ride with Nemo and all of his pals.  You board a "clammobile" (Disney's term, not mine), which essentially takes you through a shortened recreation of the Finding Nemo movie.  Nemo swims along with you and takes you through the sea complete with sharks, jellyfish and turtles.  Towards the end you are shown a live aquarium where you can see real fish swimming along with the Nemo characters. 

This ride is the cutest, just like the movie.  They stay pretty true to the Nemo story and bring it alive in a creative way.  It's a neat ride because I enjoyed it, but I also noticed that very little children were excited to find Nemo, so it's entertaining to people of all ages. 

My one piece of advice is to have a sweater when you enter the ride area.  For some reason the queue to the ride is super long.  Not long as in you will wait a long time in line, but long as in from where you enter the line to where you board the clammobile is a long distance to walk.  And it's always really cold in the queue area.  I am such a baby about being in the cold in a tank top or sundress, so I always reach for my cardigan before heading into the ride.  You will thank me for this tip!

I love this ride as much for it's cuteness as for the fact that it is so much better than before.  4/5 or 8/10 stars!

Gran Fiesta Tour

One of my long held beliefs is that the Mexico pavilion at Epcot Center leaves a little something to be desired.  They recently added a large restaurant right outside the main building that is decent.  As a kid, I once begged my mom to let us eat at the "fancy" restaurant that is inside the big Mayan temple building and sits along the River of Time.  She relented and the dinner was a big disappointment - flavorless and oniony. 

The only bonus to the Mexican pavilion is that there is a ride inside the temple building.  The ride used to be super dorky and I thought that there was not a chance in hell the ride could be made dorkier.  WRONG! 

A few years back, the ride was updated to include Donald Duck and his singing duck companions.  Together I guess they make the Three Caballeros?  I'm not big into the Disney cartoons, so I have no idea if this is a real thing?  Or just a thing that was made up for the ride. 

The "grand" result is that it's the exact same ride, using the same photos and videos from the early 1980's, except now there is a cartoon duck over the photo doing silly things.  I don't know if kids will find this amusing.  For adults, just visit the La Cava del Tequila first and then you will probably find it a gas.  Me, most of the ride I'm staring at the scenes thinking "What in the hell is going on here?"  I still don't quite understand if the point of the scenes is that Donald Duck is running away from the other two caballeros because he's afraid of performing.  Does Donald Duck have performance anxiety?

The only saving grace is one of the final scenes where there is a "It's A Small World" type fiesta with only Mexican children dancing around and there are fireworks on the wall.  Those make me feel good because I'm a Fourth of July baby.

This ride is pretty terrible.  1 out of 5 or 3 out of 10 stars.  Suck city.

O Canada!

I'm not talking about the Canadian national anthem, but the movie that is played in the Canada pavilion at Epcot Center.  Because what could be more interesting than a movie about Canada?  Am I right? 

Okay, I'm totally joking.  Canada is actually such a fun country and filled with so much beauty.  Vancouver and Montreal are the only two cities that I've been too, which is a tragedy.  Montreal was actually one of my favorite trips.  It's like going to France without having to cross the ocean.  They had really fun shopping and people watching, awesome food and no one spoke English.  I think it was actually more difficult to speak English in Montreal than it is in Paris.  I was shocked in Montreal when I walked into a huge department store and had to go to three different cashiers to find one that could speak English.  I actually speak limited French, but they couldn't understand my pronunciation and none of them spoke a word of English. 

I'm digressing here.  What I really wanted to talk about is Disney's O Canada! film.  My mom used to drag me to this film when I was younger and even now as an adult it's not my favorite.  The film's scenery is beautiful, but it's in one of those 360 degree theatres, so you have to stand with your neck craned to watch it.  I hate that.  They really should make those theatres for short people, or give short people little booster stands so that you don't strain your neck so much. 

The film isn't my favorite, but what I've really grown to love is the Canada pavilion's grounds.  They have these gorgeous flower gardens that you can walk through.  Look!

They really keep the gardens looking tip top, so if you have a few spare moments, it's worth strolling through.  There aren't a lot of calm moments on the Disneyworld grounds, but the paths through these flower gardens are often overlooked and you can find a moment of serenity within them.

The film is kind of a downer, but the grounds are gorgeous, so I'm giving this one a 5/10 or 2/5 stars.

Test Track

That's some high quality photography right there.  Not sure what happened with my camera (probably too high of an ISO), but it's the only photo that I have of Test Track.  I roll with the punches peeps.

I wanted to get this review in even though it's now outdated.  Test Track is currently under a major reconstruction and when it reopens this Fall I have no idea what it will be like.  The early buzz is that the test cars will operate on the exact same track, but there's all this business about how the guests will design their own car to take out on the track.  Not sure how it will work and not really sure I'm happy they are changing a ride that really need to be changed or updated.

Test Track, however, used to be sponsored by GM.  When their contract was up this Spring, it was not renewed and Chevrolet is now taking over sponsorship of the ride.  Chevrolet decided to revamp the ride.  I have a feeling this could be a bad move.  If I've learned one thing about Disney it's that they usually shouldn't mess with a good thing.  I'm still  bitter about Horizons.

Anyhow, this review will be about the old Test Track, which you can no longer ride.  It's my beautiful obituary for a great attraction.  Don't get weepy.

When Test Track opened it was AMAZING.  Probably the best thing ever to happen to Epcot because Epcot doesn't have any high thrill rides.  The line queue for Test Track was brilliant and filled with all of these crash test dummies being tested for impacts.  I loved it, there were so many details that even an hour long wait seemed okay.  The thing I didn't love was the music that was playing on an endless loop.  That music was obnoxious.

When you finally got into the test car, you were set through the paces of a real car testing.  They went through different inclines, different types of roadways, the car tested it's turns and whether it could stand up to "harsh" environments.  The environment testing was my favorite part.  You went through a room that had heat lamps and it was incredibly hot and then they put you in an ice chamber.  I loved that part. 

The grand finale of the ride was that they pretend they are crash testing your car and at the crash impact spot you were bolted outdoors to this huge test track where you picked up speed to 70 miles an hour for the big loop.  It was an adrenaline rush and so much fun. 

Overall, the attraction was so incredible because it was well thought out and the attention to details was perfect, as all good Disney attractions are.  I'm just hoping when it reopens it isn't changed too much, because it really didn't need to be. 

For the old Test Track, I give it the highest honors of 5/5 or 9/10 stars.

Turtle Talk with Crush

I have been to Disney multiple times, so there's very little in the parks that leaves me thinking "How do they do that?" But, Turtle Talk is one of those things that I cannot figure out how they do it to save my life.

So, here's the set up, Turtle Talk is located in an obscure corner of The Living Seas building. Search it out, because it's probably the best attraction in the Living Seas building (that building sucks balls). Once you find it, you will have to wait for the next show to begin, when it does you go into this dark theatre like room. There's a screen at the front with a scene that looks like you are deep under the ocean. The one bad thing is that they put all the little kids in the front and so when you are there without kids, you definitely feel like a creeper.

The show starts and there's a Disney employee at the front of the room, by the screen, saying that we have to call Crush (the surfer turtle from Finding Nemo) to the tank so that he can talk to us. So, you call Crush and this animated turtle comes to the screen.

What happens next is pure magic. It's tough to explain, but he takes questions from the little kids about what life is like as a turtle and then he will call on kids to ask them questions about being a human. So, it all happens LIVE. It's like watching a movie that is interacting with you. Crush will say to the Disney employee, "give the microphone to that little girl with the pigtails and the green shirt." And the girl will get the microphone and ask a question like "where do turtles poop?" And then Crush will give some kind of answer that's really funny. And his mouth is actually moving to the words.

It's so much fun. And each show is different, so you can go a couple of times and always be surprised by what is happening. Plus, the kids are always funny about the questions that they ask and there is usually one punk kid in the group who wants to show how badass he is by asking or saying something kind of inappropriate. That part is also awesome.

This ride gets a 4/5 or 9/10 for ingenuity and the WTF factor. I'm minusing a point for uncomfortable seats and the creeper thing.

Soarin'

This is not the greatest picture. Truth squad...on my last trip to Disneyworld my camera was in a bad place. I think it was getting old and the flash was kind of failing. So, I have a lot of blurry and dark pictures. I got a new and awesome camera for Christmas and was hoping that at some point this fall I would be back at WDW to take some new pics for the blog, but due to some unforeseeable circumstances, it looks like a trip to Florida will be delayed. So, until then I have to make due with my old, crappy pictures. Now that I've got that off my chest, let's review the ride!

Soarin' is a new addition to Epcot Center. I believe that this ride was first done at Disneyland's California Adventure and it was so popular that they installed it at the WDW. And I can totally see why. Soarin' is awesome.

First, let's talk about what is not awesome. The line. This is one of the worst and slowest moving lines ever. My best advice is to go straight to Soarin' when the park opens and get a fast pass. I have been there before when the fast passes for the day have all been distributed by noon, so you have to get one in the morning. The wait time is almost always posted at 60-90 minutes and they mean it. Plus, the line doesn't move once you are in it. You just stand in a holding area. One time, there was a little 5-year-old girl in a princess dress standing in line right in front of us. She kept saying she had to go to the bathroom and her mom kept telling her that they were not leaving the line because they had already been waiting 40 minutes. Finally when we were about to move up a bit, the girl whispered (loud enough so that I could hear) "I have pee coming down my leg." Parents, do not do this to your child.

Okay, I'm really getting off track. So, the ride. It's supposed to give you the feeling of being on a hang glider and going over some famous California landmarks. You go through some dessert areas, some rivers, orange groves, golf courses, ocean scenes and the like. And you actually feel like you are on a hang glider. I can't describe the feeling, but it's liberating. Plus, the scenery is so beautiful and real! When you are going over the ocean, you feel like you could dip your feetsies right in!

The end of the ride takes you to Disneyland's Main Street and you get to watch a fireworks show while gliding in the air. Soarin' is truly an experience not to be missed. Once you go on the ride, you can understand why the line is so ridiculously long all the time.

On a sidenote, on each "glider" there are three rows of people. If you can, try to get into the first row as then you don't have to look at people's ugly ass feet dangling in front of you the whole ride.

Soarin' is an instant favorite! 5/5 or 10/10 stars!

The American Adventure

I'm sort of a sucker for American history, so this one gets me every time. Literally. I usually cry at some point. This is one of the more well done attractions in all of Disneyworld. There are a lot of really good things, but this is an excellent show of American history.

First things first, get to the place a little bit before the show will actually start and walk through the bottom portion of the building. There's usually a really good display or artwork and artifacts to peruse. There's also a singing group that will perform while you are waiting. Dopey singing groups are not my thing, but this dopey singing group is pretty darn good. They sing the classic American songs circa the 1800's and it's really gorgeous music. Plus they are in awesome costumes.

Once the show is ready to start you can crowd into the line and either take the escalators or the stairs to the theatre. Here's a tip, the theatre is effing huge. Every seat offers a good view. You don't need to be the first one in there. Relax. Stop trampling the kids.

Then the show begins. It's a mix of audio-animatronics and video and really presents a spectacular lesson on the history of America. The parts that really get me weeping are the Revolutionary War, anytime Lincoln "speaks" and when they start showing the video montage of things like the Miracle on Ice hockey team, walking on the moon and 9/11. With the video montage there's some really corny believe in yourself type of music. It uplifts your soul and you will leave the theatre with renewed vision and a bounce in your step. Don't worry, that will be sucked out of you the minute you step foot in the next line.

A great show, 5/5 or 9/10 stars.

Journey Into Imagination

This is not the best picture of the ride, but it was what I could find on short notice. Thank goodness I'll be back at the WDW in a few months to get more pics.

Let me start by stating the obvious...Journey Into Imagination is all about the kiddos. But it's sort of a Disney original, so even though the whole thing is very childish and sort of lame, I have to take a ride every time I'm at Epcot.

As I said, this ride is pretty lame. You get into this dumb car and journey into Figment's tripped out imagination. There's some fun effects, but ultimately the entire time I'm riding along I have this dumb smirk on my face. It's like if someone actually sees me on this ride, my reputation is totally ruined. This ride causes you to feel a lot of shame.

When I was kid, however, I loved this ride. Although, I know it was way different when I was younger, so I'm going to maintain that it was way better.

The real beauty of the ride comes after you get out of Figment's Imagination and into their Imagination Stations or whatever the hell they call them. They are fun, even as an adult, although adults will never be able to actually experience them because the little kids are always hogging them. But, they have all of these stations with different fun computer programs that you can play around with. Some play with sound, others with color. Ultimately you could spend hours back there.

If you are a kid 4/5, if you are an adult 1/5. If you are an immature adult, maybe a 2/5.

Mission: Space

I have a confession. I am predisposed to dislike this ride because it's in the old Horizons space and when I was a kid, there was nothing as good as Horizons. Nothing! I also have another confession. I've never been on this ride. But I'm still going to review it based on what I have heard about it. Don't hate...congratulate.

There is a good reason that I haven't been on the ride, it's because I've heard about multiple people getting sick on the ride. Like actually sick. They provide one sick bag on the ride, so that should tell you something. What I've been told is that you are put in a very confined space and the ride makes you feel weightless and you're being thrown all around. It's apparently really awesome technology that maybe is too much of a good thing.

The good news is that now there are two ways to enjoy the ride. You can "enjoy" the full experience or you can do a toned down non motion experience. I think you are still getting all of the visual stuff of being in space, but not the feeling of being rocketed into space. So, eventually I will probably do the non motion ride just to see what it's about. But I'm still mad at it for not being Horizons, so I haven't been able to do it yet.

I would definitely caution anyone on this ride. I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that I personally know 3 people who have had severe motion sickness on this ride. I'm also not exaggerating when I say that I have been standing in other ride lines at Epcot and have heard people talk about how horrible motion sickness someone they know has just experienced on the ride. You've been warned!

Since I haven't been on it, I'm not going to star it.

Universe of Energy

This is one of those old school Epcot rides. Back in the day, Epcot was all about things like energy!, transportation!, robots! and innovation! Except, I remember this ride as being boring as hell. And loooooong. When my mom needed a nap, she would convince me to go on this ride.

However, things have changed, and now the ride is actually fairly entertaining. Ellen DeGeneres does this narration thing with Bill Nye. It's still long and you're sitting for the most part (so, still able to snooze if you need it), but if you don't snooze, it's actually an interesting ride.

Plus, there's dinosaurs, so the kids will love it. I've never really felt much about this ride. It's kind of a necessary evil. Something long and relaxing to get you out of the heat. Although, I sure wish the powers that be would have kept Horizons and axed this ride. Do you remember Horizons? That shit was the bomb.

But, I don't hate the ride and wouldn't not go on it. So 3/5 stars.

Living with the Land

This is one of those rides at Disney that's really meant for old folks enjoyment, giving your feet a much needed rest, catching up on family gossip and inducing the young'uns to a fast sleep. It's a boat ride where you look at plants and some fish, but there's a twist! The plants are growing in strange and wondrous ways. Behold:

It's a nine-pound lemon. Here's a closer view of the product:

Don't ask me why you'd want a nine pound lemon, but there they are all the same.

Anyhow, you hop in this boat and go through this greenhouse area with the lemons and a bunch of other plants, then you look at some fish in tubes and then this is usually the part in the ride where I take a nap. For reals. Although nowadays it's not so easy, the ride used to be about an hour long, but they've shortened it. I think there's some other scenes mixed in there too, but the real gold's in the greenhouse area.

So, 2/5 stars. This is a ride to go on when you're sick of waiting in lines and want a little rest from the hustle and bustle.

Spaceship Earth

This is Spaceship Earth. It's the main attraction at Epcot Center. I had forgotten that I was reviewing rides at WDW until I saw the news item about Walter Cronkite. I was so sad (and kind of surprised because I thought he died a few years back) because Walter was my favorite narrator of the old school Spaceship Earth ride.

Back in the day, when I made my first pilgrimage to the WDW, the first place my mother took me was Epcot Center. She thought it would be less crowded. We walked in and I saw this giant golf ball in the sky and said, what happens in there? My mother took me by the hand, onto the moving platform and into the rotating cars for a magical journey through time! Seriously, they built a time machine inside a giant golf ball and Walter Cronkite used to narrate it. It was beautiful.

I wikipedia'd this shit to find out what went wrong with the ride. You see, somewhere around 1994, some asshole decided to mess with a good thing and remodel the ride. That would have been fine, except they cut the hotness right out of it! They swapped Walter Cronkite's magical voice for JEREMY IRONS! It was awful. I had a panic attack the next time I went on the ride. But at least then it was still the original ride.

Imagine my horror when this past January I went back to the WDW to find that AT&T no longer sponsors the ride. Now some German company does, and zee Germans ruined the ride! And they have JUDI DENCH narrating it! It's even more awful than Jeremy Irons. Plus, they cut out my favorite scene. There's a place in the ride where there's an ancient Roman street and they say "All roads lead to Rome". Then in the next scene there's destruction because since all roads led to Rome that meant that the riff raff could get in and they did and destroyed the shit out of the city. Anyhow, there was this fog that smelled like rotten feet... I think it was meant to be burning flesh...but it was my favorite. NO LONGER! Zee Germans cut it out. Now you ride through that part and it smells normal, which really takes away from the magics.

So, my review is as follows:

5/5 for the Walter version

3/5 for the Irons version...and

2/5 for the Dame Judi version