Indiana Jones Epic Stunt Spectacular

Truth Squad: I have only seen two of the four Indiana Jones movies.  And one of them was the craptastic Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.  The other one that I have seen is The Last Crusade, which is why whenever anyone asks me my favorite Indiana Jones movie, I always respond with "The Last Crusade," and then the people always say, "Really, that one is my least favorite."  I have no excuse for not seeing the movies.  It just wasn't something I was interested in when they were popular, and now I have better things to watch...like The Real Housewives of New Jersey, on repeat.

At Disney's Hollywood Studios there is a pretty great stunt show featuring stunts from the Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark movie.  This show has been around since they opened the park in 1989 and not much has changed since then.  In all honesty, this is one of those shows that doesn't need any upgrades because it's pretty perfect just the way it is.

First, the theater is HUGE.  And shaded.  While it isn't air-conditioned, it's usually pretty cool because you are out of the sun and they have large fans going.  The show runs about 25 minutes, so it can be a nice respite from the midday sun.  They only run the show a few times per day, so you want to check the show times when you first get to the park. 

The show has some really great examples of extreme action stunt work.  I haven't seen Raiders of the Lost Ark, but even I can appreciate the famous scenes that they recreate before the audience.  I would even go as far as to say that what you see is incredible.  It really is that good.  There are choreographed fight scenes, pyrotechnics, audience participation (there is one gag in particular that gets me every time), and great acrobatics.  I have seen this show many times, and yet every time I notice something new. 

This really is an amazing show to see.  I wouldn't miss it during your trip.  5 out of 5 or 9 out of 10 stars. 

On a side note, one of the difficult things about Hollywood Studios is timing out your day.  There are several shows and parades that make it difficult to get everything in on one visit.  My expert advice is to plan on visiting the Studios at least twice during your visit.  I don't think you need to spend a full day either time, but it will make it easier to fit everything in if you space your visits on two separate days.  The Indiana Jones show is on an opposite end of the park as Lights! Motors! Action!, and I have noticed that they usually space the shows where you could only do one in the morning and one in the afternoon.  When you factor in walking time, time standing in line, and time waiting for the show to begin, it eats up at least an hour and a half of your time for each show.  To me it makes sense to spend two mornings at the Studios, or a morning and an afternoon so that you can fit everything in. 

The American Idol Experience

The American Idol Experience is one of the newer attractions at Hollywood Studios.  It replaces the live game shows of Let's Make A Deal and Who Wants to Be A Millionaire.  While I don't hate it, a lot of the reason why I like it is because it's so, so, so, so terrible.  Which isn't a positive thing for Disney.

Everyday at Hollywood Studios they have their own mini singing competition.  First, you have to audition at the park sometime in the morning to early-afternoon hours.  They have one show every hour during the day which features 3 "singers" who have passed the audition phase.  During the day shows, the audience chooses one "winner" from the 3 "singers" and that person gets to go to the finale event that evening.  Every night, the finale event allows all of the day's "winners" to "sing" and the audience chooses the best "singer."  That person wins a dream ticket which allows them to bypass the line at any of the actual American Idol auditions.  I would argue that this was an awesome prize a few years ago, but how is American Idol relevant anymore? 

Here is the real deal with this show.  You go into the theatre, which is set up to look like the American Idol stage.  They even have a judging table with the Coca-Cola cups.

Once you get into the theatre, they really try to pump you up and tell you when to cheer and when to boo.  It's super hokey, but I'm sure it's exactly what they do at real live TV tapings.  Then this guy comes out who is doing his best Ryan Seacrest impersonation.  This is where the show is really lame to me.  It would be fun if they would allow the people to have their own personalities, but the people are literally just doing a caricature impersonation of the real American Idol people.  It's so dumb you can't even stand it. 

Then they introduce the "singers."  You will notice I am using this word in quotes because even though I've seen this show 3 times at Hollywood Studios, I have yet to see someone who can actually carry a tune.  After the "singers," they bring out the judges.  This is another terrible part.  The first guy is the "Simon."  He will say mean things and we are told to boo him.  He even speaks with a British accent.  As if all Brits are de facto douchebags.  Then they introduce the crazy woman who may or may not have an alcohol and pain killer mixture in her Coke cup.  Finally is the black guy who says things like "Yo, yo, yo" and "what's up, dog."  At this point, I'm just super offended at Disney for thinking that we are too stupid to recognize that we aren't actually looking at Simon, Paula and Randy.  And, side note, Simon and Paula aren't even on American Idol anymore, so maybe you need to get with the times and hire some JLo's and Steven Tylers.

Finally the people "sing" and it's the worst thing you've ever seen.  The people are uncomfortable, dancing really awkwardly, singing terrible songs and singing them terribly.  You end up being really embarassed for them because they are really close to you.  So close that you can make eye contact if you are brave.  Often times their family members are sitting near you in the audience, so you feel like you have to smile and dance, but at the same time your eardrums are breaking and you have to fight the urge in your body to make that "what the eff is going on here" face.  Folks, it's really, really, really bad.  But, so good at the same time. 

After everyone sings comes the most insufferable part of the entire show.  They have this video that plays featuring Jordin Sparks singing some ridiculous song about dancing together and they want the audience to get up out of their seats and DANCE!  Then they show video on the big screen of the audience members in their Mickey Mouse ears moving and grooving.  Soooooooo awkward and gross.  I live in fear of them putting me up on that screen, so usually I just stand there like an asshole daring them to put my picture up.

I've never been to the finale, but I would say 9 times out of 10 it's going to be a terrible show.  Probably even more so than the day time shows because you have to sit through 7 terrible "singers" instead of 3. 

I give this attraction a 4 out of 10 stars or a 1 out of 5.  I think Disney really needs to rethink this one.  It's poorly done, culturally irrelevant, probably expensive and showcases extremely mediocre talent.  Disney, please, bring back the goofy game shows to this space.  Family Feud anyone?  How awesome would a big game of Family Feud be?

Muppet Vision 3D

I was always a huge Muppets fan.  Beaker and Professor Honeydew are my favorite characters.  I used to have all of these Muppet cassette tape story books that I would listen to over and over (This screams child of the 80's to me).  When I would hear Beaker's famous meeps, I would usually rewind so that I could listen to it again.  I really connect with Beaker.  In fact, one of Mike's nicknames for me is Beaker because in the mornings I don't like to speak words, so I've developed a system of hums to accurately get my feelings across.  Mike is like my very own Professor Honeydew.

At Disney's Hollywood Studios, Muppet Vision 3D is an interactive movie.  For some reason, this is one of those attractions that I never think about unless I'm right on top of it and then it's always "I guess we can go in."  It just doesn't excite me that much.  However, once it starts, I am reminded that it's actually a very funny and cute 3D movie that people of all ages can enjoy.

The thing that works about Muppet Vision 3D is that they really go for the 3D gags.  What is the point of a 3D movie if things aren't flying at my face?  This is what I still don't understand about today's 3D movies.  What's the point?  Plus, I hate wearing those goggles during a 2 hour movie.  Anyone else with me?

Back to the Muppets.  The movie is one 3D gag after another, but there's also interactive portions and a pull-at-your-heartstrings storyline.  The reason the movie hasn't been changed for 20 years is because it's so freaking cute!  Don't be like me and pass the Muppets by, this attraction is a hidden gem, plus it's air-conditioned. 

On a side note, I've talked before about how Hollywood Studios has a really bizarre layout and that there are some areas that you would totally miss if you weren't a slave to the guidemap.  Muppet Vision 3D is one of these areas.  So, if you swear you've walked around the entire park and haven't found it, pull out the map. 

4/5 or 8/10 stars for this attraction.  It's sweet, cute, funny, what's not to love?

Beauty and the Beast - Live On Stage

One of the problems with Disney's Hollywood Studios is how difficult it is to plan your day. There's quite a few stage shows that only play at certain times, so you have to catch them when you can. Sometimes it means you are running from one end of the park to the other and back again. Also, the park is not laid out as clearly as the other parks and it's easy to get lost. In fact, before my last trip to Disney, I was researching food places in Hollywood Studios and heard about this restaurant that I had never in my many trips to the parks even seen. So, the other bad thing about Hollywood Studios is that you tend to miss a lot.

Anyhow, the Beauty and the Beast stage show is not my favorite. It's not terrible, but it's basically just a shortened version of the Disney movie and there's nothing that makes me say "We need to see that." So, we usually miss it because the times don't match up in our day.

If you've seen the movie, you know the basic plot of what happens. Beautiful girl is trapped by hideous beast, but learns to love him and breaks the spell! The costumes are very pretty and they keep a good sense of magic about the story. Plus they have all the traditional songs and some good dancing.

I'm not sure why I'm not very into this one. I think the best way to schedule it is to grab a "show schedule" when you first arrive at Hollywood Studios and prioritize your. You need to see "Lights, Motors, Action" and they typically only do that one a few times a day. I think that Indiana Jones is also good (although if you have younger kids, they might be more interested in Beauty and the Beast), so plan on going to that one. Then there is the new American Idol Experience that is also so-so. There's also a parade that is fun for younger kids and Fantasmic (which they don't do every night) which is an awesome fireworks show. It's actually a seated show and while it's a huge amphitheater, to get the best seats, you have to arrive early. My point in all of this is that Hollywood Studios is a park where you really do have to plan your day out and it's best to do that at the beginning of the day so you know when all of the shows are playing.

This show is just mediocre, but if you have young kids who love the movie, they will definitely love the stage show. 2/5 or 4/10 stars.

I don't know why, but Lumiere always cracks me up. This topiary is so dorky.

The Voyage of the Little Mermaid

I remember back to the golden time of Disney movies. For me it was the late 80's/early 90's when we got back to back classics of Oliver & Company, The Little Mermaid, Beauty & the Beast, Aladdin and The Lion King. Those were great days. Then came Pocahontas which was not so great and then The Hunchback of Notre Dame which was terrible. I stopped caring after that.

At Disney's MGM/Hollywood Studios, they have a fun stage show that's a shortened version of the movie The Little Mermaid. The show runs continuously throughout the day and it's impressive how good it actually is considering there are live actors and elaborate sets.

We all know the story, Mermaid creepily stalks humans and falls in love with a prince. Then she makes a deal with the devil, or in this case the fatty boom ba latty octopus sea monster, and gets some legs! But in getting those legs, she loses her voice, which basically means she's screwed. Everyone knows that NO ONE loves a mute. Anyhow, once she's human she needs to get that dumb prince to kiss her so she can stay human and get her voice back. He's all "Shucks, I can't love a mute." And apparently she can't write, so not only is she a mute, but she's a dumb mute. At least she's got great hair and a tiny waist.

As you can imagine, madness and danger ensue. But things work out in the end, so it's all good. The pretty girl gets her man, her legs and her voice. It's a win-win-win.

The one thing about this show is that there are loud noises and some scary scenes. So, I'm not sure it's for all the little kids. Did you hear about the madness and danger? I would say 5 and above only, but really why would you want to bring anyone younger than 5 to Disney? Do you know how much it will cost you? Think back to how many memories you have before 5...do you really want to waste all that cash on toddlers who won't remember shit about the trip when they are older?

Anyhow, on to our ratings. The line for this ride can get long and the show is 18 minutes long, so once you get in the line you are committed. In the end it's worth it. The show is really well done and the story of the Little Mermaid is great. Plus, you get to sit on your ass, which is always a plus at Disney!

4/5 or 8/10 stars!

The Backlot Tour

The Backlot Tour is one of those rides at "Hollywood Studios" that has really evolved over time. It used to be so much more awesome, but also a lot longer. Now it feels a little bit like a bus tour that they are rushing to get finished with because the bus driver has to go to the bathroom.

Anyhow, the backlot tour begins with a audience involved demonstration of how movies do special effects. They reenact a scene with gunfire and explosives and things catching on fire to show you how everything in movies is fake. I always love this part because the audience participants get soaked and they always act like they didn't expect it. It's a real "aw shucks" moment.

Once the demonstration is over you are moved through this props warehouse to get to a bus. It used to be that you would wait in this line for a long time, which kind of sucked, but also gave you a lot of time to look at the props. Now you've got a hot poker to your ass and have to move through the props room at a quick pace. Which is a shame because some of the props are actually really neat. I've seen people step aside at this point to actually take time to enjoy the movie props, so if you don't get super competitive about Disney lines and getting to the front the fastest, this is an option for you. I have a fanatical Disney line competitive streak, so I would never do this.

Anyhow, after the props warehouse, you are loaded onto a "moving tram" that will take you to Catastrophe Canyon. I won't give away the big surprise in Catastrophe Canyon because that is the one part of the tour that is really neat.

However, the tram ride totally blows now. They used to take you through all of these neat areas where you could see costumes being made or movie/tv sets actually being filmed. They also took you to this area where they had famous tv houses set up. The most famous being the Golden Girls house. It was a really nice and relaxing bus ride. It also gave you a good chance to get off of your feet for awhile.

Now the tram zips you into the canyon and through a costume/props department and then you are done. Wham, Bam, Thank You Mam. Really, they have taken all of the romance out of the ride.

So, 2/5 or 4/10 stars. If you are on a quick trip, I'd say this is one that could be missed.

The Great Movie Ride

When MGM Studios (now Hollywood Studios) first opened at WDW, this replica of Mann's Chinese Theatre was the centerpiece of the park. Maybe 10 years or so ago, the powers-that-be put a giant Mickey's Sorcerer Hat in front of it and now that's the centerpiece. I think it's bullocks. This will always be the true centerpiece to me. Can you tell I don't like change.

One important note is to be cautious on the sidewalk just outside the theatre. They've made it sort of like the Hollywood Walk of Fame and have all of these hand prints in the cement. One time when I was much younger, I had just gotten in the park and was filled with enthusiasm and competitiveness. I wanted to be the first in line! So, I started running towards the entrance. Unfortunately, my grandma ran too and she totally bit it on one of the hand prints. Luckily, she suffered no scrapes or bruises. She's Hungarian, so she's tough like that.

Inside this beautiful centerpiece is a fun little ride. The Great Movie Ride. There are many awesome things about this ride. First is that the line typically goes pretty quickly. Hollywood Studios is actually a tricky place to plan your day out. There are so many shows to go and see and obviously those have set times. So, the best thing to do on a trip to Hollywood Studios is first determine what shows you want to go to and then you can fit rides in along the way. Anyhow, for this one the ride is usually reasonable.

Another great thing about the ride is that it's long and you are sitting the entire time. It gives your dogs a break. It also has a lot of nostalgia, which always gets me. You see actual recreated scenes from popular movies. Then you get to a point where there is live action in the form of gunfire. The ride has it's own little movie going on right inside of it.

Once you know the gag, it's not as fun, but the ride still has a lot to offer. At the end there is also a video montage of tons of great movies. It always leaves me feeling like I have a lot of classic movies that I need to be watching.

I give this ride a 5/5 or 9/10 stars.

Rock 'N Roller Coaster

I will not be lying to you when I tell you that I have never been on a roller coaster more awesome than this one. Never. Not that I'm a roller coaster connoisseur, but I've been on my fair share. Rock 'N Roller Coaster wins every single time.

The part about this roller coaster that is so amazing is the very beginning. There you are strapped in to the car waiting for the clearance to go. When it's time, the car goes from 0 to about 60 in maybe 2 seconds.

The other thing that makes the roller coaster awesome is that you can't really see anything ahead of you, so you don't know about the dips and turns until you are just upon them. And there are a lot of twists and loops. Another bonus is that the whole time they are blaring rock and roll music at you. Granted, it's Aerosmith, which isn't terrible, but I would like it if it was mixed up a bit.

The true downside to this ride is the line. For some reason, this one seems to have a difficult line that Disney has never quite gotten right. I've waited in line for 45 minutes when the little sign at the entrance says "15 Minute Wait Time". And you can never eyeball the line either because it goes inside a building, so you really have no idea how many people are waiting. This ride would get a 5 if it weren't for this one annoyance.

It's a short little coaster ride that packs on major thrills. 4/5 stars!

Lights, Motors, Action!

Yes, that is a car blasting out of a building in the picture. It's all part of the epic stunt spectacular that is Lights, Motors, Action! All of this goes down at MGM in the WDW.

Lights, Motors, Action! didn't really seem like my thing. I'm not into cars. But, the show is actually all about car stunts and car chases and other movie stunts. It's like The Transporter, except without Jason Statham (which is totally tragic).

So, you go into this huge stadium and soon enough cars are revving up their engines and racing around the stage. Then there's some motorcycles, then there's some gun shots, then something EXPLODES! You can feel the heat. Then we get to some jet skis and some people fall off of buildings and then someone gets lit on fire and then something major happens (it may or may not be another EXPLOSION). It's super awesome.

One hint...sitting in this stadium is mad hot. They cram about a thousand people into this place and part of it is covered, but part of it isn't (note...sit in the covered part). My mom and I were there in September one year and it was about 90 degrees outside. We got there about 30 minutes before the show started and had to sit in the stagnant heat. It was awful. They have about 5 fans towards the top of the bleachers and I would sit somewhere in the breeze of the fan. You will thank me.

4/5 or 8/10. It's a good show, but the bleacher seats are uncomfortable and hot.

Toy Story: Midway Mania

Behold one of the newer attractions at Disneyworld, Hollywood Studios (still can't get used to calling it that) to be exact. And listen this ride is SPECTACULAR! Off the charts AMAZING AND AWESOME. If you are annoyed by my all caps, please stop hating, it's the only way I can express how truly great this ride is.

One problem...it takes a fricking year to get on it. Although, there's a fastpass, which helps. Here is my advice to you. Get to HS before it opens and stand in the massive group that gathers down Hollywood Boulevard. Then when they open those gates, don't heed their warnings, RUN DON'T WALK to the Toy Story fastpass line. Push down anyone who dares get in your way, babies, elderly, handicapped. It don't matter, this is imperative. Then, get to the fastpass line and wait. Once you get your fastpass go to the actual ride line and wait the probably 20 minutes, it will be the fastest wait for this ride all day. It's that popular.

Ed. Sidenote: I usually don't condone the super aggressive fastpass behavior, but in this case I do. You want to go on this ride as many times as possible and that can only happen by being a complete beeyotch.

Once inside the building, you will be brought into a world where toys are larger than life. Behold this Candyland game:

So, it's kind of fun, but still you're in a queue, which is never that fun. Then you get your 3D glasses and you wait in line some more. But then you encounter this:

It's basically a vehicle to fun. If you can see it in this picture, you sit 2 by 2 in a car that has a little video game gun with a pull string. You put the 3D glasses on and travel inside. It's basically a huge video game with carnival games. It's awesome. They have balloon pop, plate break, the ring game, etc. And everything is worth points. So, you try to get as many points as you can and at the end they tally up the points to see who the winners are! I always like validation from video games telling me that I am, in fact, a winner.

It doesn't sound like much, but it's super interactive and amazingly fun. This is my new favorite ride at all of Disneyworld. I mean, I would mow down a grandma on oxygen in a wheelchair holding a premature infant to get on this ride.

5/5, 10/10, 100/100, 1,000/1,000 stars. Loves. It.

Tower of Terror

It's scary right. Very ominous and foreboding. Listen, it scared my mother so badly she refuses to go on this ride, so it must be scary!

The Tower of Terror is a trip down freaky deaky memory lane. It takes you back to the Twilight Zone (which, btw, I've begun renting via Netflix and it's pretty damn good) where bizarre things happen and that creepy music is played. You know what I'm talking about. Typed out it's all "Ne nu ne nu ne nu ne nu"...right...I know, scary.

They really play up the theme on this one, the peeps that operate the ride are even rude to your face. When you get on the ride they're all like "Enjoy your death" and "Wave to your family members, you'll never see them again". I have been stuck in that elevator car with way too many young kids who end up terrified and crying for the first 15 minutes of the ride (yes, it's that long). Then, because the ride's long, they get bored until...HOLY SHIT THE BOTTOM OF THIS ELEVATOR JUST DROPPED OUT!

And down you go. Then you shoot back up. Then the bottom effing drops out again. AHHH! The bastards got me.

When the ride first opened it dropped a couple of times and the second time was kind of a half drop. It continued like this for awhile until the operator peeps noticed that kids were coming off the ride being all like "Bitch please, that was nothing". Then they shook it up and now there are something like 20 patterns that your elevator car could take you on. Sometimes it will hold you up at the top and the doors to the outside open up so you can see the park and you're thinking when is this damn thing going to drop...crickets...more crickets....even more...then it drops a bit and stops..crickets and then BAM! It also goes up and down at least 4 times. That was when my mom said she was done and would never go back on it.

I miss the ride, but I feel like this is one of those where Walt's in his frozen cryogenic chamber thinking "We could've done better".

So, 2/5 stars.