Pangani Forest Exploration Trail

In the Africa section of Animal Kingdom, they have a nice walking path called Pangani Forest Exploration Trail.  This path takes you through a more "zoo-like" area of Animal Kingdom so that you can see more of the animals in the park.

Here are some examples of animals that you will see:

One of the things that I love about Animal Kingdom is that you get really good views of the animals.  The Pangani Forest Trail is no exception, and I think it is one of the best examples of how up close and personal you can get to the animals while visiting Animal Kingdom.

The best time to go is early in the morning right when the park opens.  The trail can get crowded with lots of people up at the front of the barricades trying to see the animals.  In the mornings, the trail is almost empty, and we are able to see everything very well.  Another added bonus to being there first is that the animal experts are usually free to answer any questions, or to give more information about animal behavior.  The third reason to go in the morning is that the animals are fed in the mornings and so are more active.  For instance, the gorilla was super active on the morning pictured above, and I was able to get tons of great pictures of him walking around.

I give this attraction a 4/5 or 8/10 stars.  I always wish these trails were a bit longer with more animals to see.

Kali River Rapids

 I'm going to do something kind of unethical today.  I'm going to review a Disney ride that I've never been on before.  How do you feel about that?  I feel fine.

Kali River Rapids is a water ride at Animal Kingdom.  I just don't feel the water rides, something about them doesn't appeal to me.  Plus, I've seen the people coming off of Kali River Rapids and they are SOAKED.  Dripping wet and having to try to dry off their clothes with the hand dryers in the rest room.  So, even on the hottest days I've passed.  Although, in 90 degree Florida weather, it's awfully tempting and would probably feel refreshing.

I've always been curious what it's like inside there.  This guy looks like he's having fun:

The ladies in the blue, however, seem miserable.  Where are your ponchos girls?  Maybe I'd try this one out if I was wearing a dorky poncho.  MAYBE.



I guess this isn't so much of a review as a warning.  Do not go on this ride if you don't like having wet underwear.  That is all. 

Wildlife Express Train

This is going to be a rough review, but let's start with the positive.  The good thing about taking the Wildlife Express Train to Rafiki's Planet Watch at Disney's Animal Kingdom is that the actual train ride is relaxing.  No one goes on this ride, so it's likely that you will have an entire train compartment to yourself.  So, there's that.

Otherwise the whole experience is lackluster.  Remember in the movie Twins where they told Danny DeVito that they took all the best DNA and gave it to Arnold Schwarznegger and that DeVito was just the crap that was leftover.  That's what the train and Rafiki's Planet Watch is.  Leftover Animal Kingdom crap.

Once you get to the Planet Watch, there's a play area for kids and a building with some exhibits that talk about conservation and endangered species.  They have some animals to look at, but it's a lot of stuff that you don't really care to see.  For instance, there's a petting zoo, but I think there's just a few animals out like goats and sheep.  And they smell.  The petting zoo at Valleyfair is better than this one.   

So, it's really lame.  For adults, you just ride the train and then wander around the exhibits for a few minutes only to hop right back onto the train to go back to the park.  For kids, that jungle gym area is a huge problem.  If you get them there, have fun getting them out. 

The only neat thing is that inside the building there's a place where they have veterinarians giving exams to the animals.  So, if you happened to be there when they were showing something really neat like a rhino giving birth, it could be cool.  I think both times I've been back there, the vets haven't been doing anything. 

The only thing that makes this attraction worth bothering with is the relaxing train ride and the possibility of seeing a vet do something cool with the animals.  Otherwise, this is a terrible waste of time and space.

1/5 or 2/10 stars.

Wild Africa

When my mom and I were recently at the WDW, we were able to do a behind the scenes tour of the Animal Kingdom called Wild Africa Trek.  It was an amazing experience.  First stop was a hippo feeding.  The above hippo, Hans, was hungry, hungry.  White marbles were not on the menu.

 Hans is saying "Feed me!" while smizing.  Look at those eyes.  Tyra would be proud of you Hans.

 After the hippo pool, we had to walk across two rickety bridges suspended in the air to get to the crocodile pools.  Crocodiles are weird.

 Close your mouth son, I'm not your dinner.

 After the crocs, we got in a jeep for a safari tour through the "savanna."  This little giraffe is trying his hardest to get the leaves at the top of the tree.  If you look closely, you will notice that his tongue is sticking out.  Giraffes are so much fun to watch.  Did you know they only sleep 30 minutes a day?  Crazy, right?

 Next up, elephants.  Here's the little baby elephant.  Makes your heart melt a bit, doesn't it?

 The Ankole Cattle to the left, Ace, was having a rough morning.  He kept bucking and kicking up dirt and finally charged after one of the safari cars.  That must have calmed him down.  I'm sure some of the Disneygoers in the safari car crapped their pants, though.


Now we are getting to my favorite pictures, the lions!  When we first got to the lion den, the male lion was laying down and you could barely see him.  The safari guide was telling us that male lions sleep 18 hours a day and that it was unlikely we would get a better picture of him.  He must have heard the guy and wanted to prove him wrong because all of a sudden, he was sitting up.

 How awesome is this picture?  Look at that mane of hair.  It weights 50 pounds!!  I began silently chanting in my head "Look this way, look this way, look this way" to the tune of Aerosmith's "Walk this Way".  The lion must be a psychic because look...

How regal is that face?  I wish I could have walked right up to him and snuggled him.  Lions don't think much of snuggling, though.  They are more of an eating type.  Oh well.

The Wild Africa Trek was so much fun and so incredibly interesting.  We learned tons of great information about animals in the wild and what different types of behaviors mean.  We also learned about Disney's conservation efforts and animals that are in danger of extinction.  The animals in the greatest danger of extinction are the white rhinos which have not been seen in the wild in several years.  Disney is sending their male white rhino to Uganda in the hopes that it will mate with a female white rhino there.  I'm really hoping that rhino gets laid.

Triceratop Spin

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE", can't you just hear that grandma pictured above saying that? I can hear it. These rides are a necessary evil in the parks. There are little humans (some call them toddlers) who go to Disneyworld and if not for rides like Triceratop Spin, they'd have nothing to do. Tragic.

These rides are pretty boring for most of us. You stand in line and, when it's your turn, are shown to your Triceratop. The ride begins, your dino car raises about 20 feet in the air and you spin in a circle for 2 minutes. After that time, you are safely returned to ground level where you disembark.

And that's it. No bells and whistles. Just pure little human fun. And grandmas. Grandmas love these kinds of rides.

3/5 or 6/10 stars. Boring, but necessary.

Maharajah Jungle Trek

Animal Kingdom really is all about the animals. But, sometimes, in between all of the rides and multiple visits to Flame Tree BBQ, you realize that you haven't seen many of those darn animals. Maharajah Jungle Trek gives you a good chance to see creatures up close and personal. It's kind of hidden, though, so don't forget to seek it out. You won't be disappointed!

One of the first animals you will see is this komodo dragon. At least, that's what I think this is. Let's just pretend that I am right. Look at him creep and crawl. Okay...moving on...

At some point you will stumble upon the tiger's den! This is my absolute favorite. The tiger is not like the lion where it's lazy and sleeps all day. The tiger's are often out walking around and doing crazy things like drinking water and looking terrifying! Honestly, though, look at how close you get to see the tiger! I could stand there for days just watching him.

The tiger is probably the best part of the whole Maharajah Jungle Trek. I will warn you that there is a BAT HOUSE! And I believe there is also another REPTILE HOUSE. I do not look at these things and instead just run through them screaming!

I really enjoy the Maharajah Jungle Trek. I don't know what Disney zoologist's secret is to keeping the animals in their little areas, but they do a great job. You are usually guaranteed to get a really great viewing of all of the animals. I'm sure that the optimal times to go, though, are during the animal's feeding times, but that's also the most busy. I also think that the jungle trek is good because you can do it at your own pace. You could spend 15 minutes or 2 hours. There are very few things in Disney that are up to the guest, so take advantage of this one!

I will give this one a 3/5 or 6/10 stars. I feel like it's kind of hard to find and could be advertised more. Sometimes you also have to deal with those annoying bastards (i.e. little children) who won't move their pudgy faces from the glass so that the adults can get a good look at the animals.

Flights of Wonder

Flights of Wonder isn't a ride, but a bird show at the Animal Kingdom. I know what you are thinking. A bird show? WTF? I do not want to go to a bird show. And I never really do either, but then I get there and I laugh hysterically at all of the jokes about birds pooping on you, so I guess I really like bird shows. And jokes about poop.

This bird show is actually pretty neat. There's a lot of gags and actually quite a few birds. I'm not really a bird person, but I don't mind seeing a parrot like the one above on occasion. One thing that I hate about the show is that a lot of birds fly around the audience area and they tell you in the show that the birds are trained to hover over the audience members heads, so if you duck, they only fly lower. It freaks me out. They literally fly right at your head. Yes, Napoleon, they have large talons. And what if they had to poop???

But, no one worries about the pooping. They are too busy oohhing and aahhing over the damn birds. I am worried about birds crapping on me, so it's hard for me to relax during the show.

One thing I have noticed is that kids really love Flights of Wonder. I guess they don't know about birds defecating on your head either.

At the end of the show, they do something really neat and bring out the grand poobah, a real bald eagle! Can you hear the fanfares? It is actually spectacular. You never get to see a bald eagle up close and they are so regal looking and beautiful. The best is that the last time we were at the show, the bald eagle was crapping all over the place. America, here's our symbol of freedom!

Despite all of my anxiety, I really love this show. They have it various times throughout the day, so you can pick your time and cop a squat out of the heat to watch birds fly around and not crap on you. It's brilliant. 4/5 or 7/10 stars.

Finding Nemo: The Musical

Here, at the Theater In The Wild, is a charming staged rendition of Finding Nemo. There's singing and dancing and awesome fish puppets. It's basically a Broadway play, except at the Animal Kingdom.

The theater show follows the movie almost exactly. The story is so adorable and they don't leave anything out. Nemo goes to school and gets lost. Then he is in a dentist office fish tank, but he makes a daring bust out back to the ocean. He meets sharks, turtles and seagulls before finally finding his dad. So heartwarming.

The visuals are also pretty amazing. The show is filled with elaborate puppets and costumes. It's almost as if you believe that the fish are swimming around you...and talking and singing.

Here's the downside. This shit is L-O-N-G. It's forty-five minutes to be exact, which is a really long time to hold the attention of young toddlers and middle-aged fathers. The other bad part is the theater only has stadium seating. So, you are sitting for forty-five minutes with no back support. They definitely don't advertise that either. I'm a young buck and it's a long time for my back to go without any support.

Long story short, Finding Nemo is a cute show, but be prepared to sit for awhile. And warn your husbands about it. Many of them may want to go take a bench nap instead of sitting in the theater.

I'm giving this one 3/5 stars. Maybe 7/10. It would be higher if not for the length.

Dinosaur!

I do not get scared by much. Things that go bump in the night no longer bother me. But this ride literally leaves me crapping my pants and having to towel off the seat as I'm disembarking. It is effing scary.

The premise is that we are going back in time to get a plant eating dinosaur. But, turns out that we are really close to some meteor impact and so there's a lot of danger. You are in a car that is stalling and there aren't a lot of lights and then the lights get a bit brighter and you realize that you are right next to a t-rex who is roaring in your face and looking like he's going to eat you.

I realize that it's not really that scary and I also realize that it's fake and that the dinosaurs aren't actually real and therefore aren't going to eat me. But, in the moment, I just freak out. Most of the ride, I have my eyes closed tightly so that I can't see the dinosaurs, but it's still really loud and you can't exactly ignore a dinosaur's growl.

The other weird thing is that the line for this ride always used to be really long. The last few times I've been on it, there's been almost no line. What's the deal? My mom thinks dinosaurs are so not hot right now, so kids don't want to go on it. I'm wondering if maybe I'm not the only one who has soiled themselves on the ride.

Despite how scary it is, it's actually a fun time. I give it a 4 out of 5 or 8 out of 10 stars.

A Bug's Life

My uncle and I are standing in front of Animal Kingdom's Tree of Life. Deep inside the Tree of Life is one of these interactive shows that Disney is so famous for. It's all about bugs, so right away I'm not such a big fan. I hate bugs.

But, it isn't awful, it's kind of cute. The bugs are putting on a show for humans and then scary bugs come and chaos ensues. The chaos can be a little bit scary for the young'uns, but whatever, they should suck it up because it's just a show.

The show also uses these interactive things that some people might find fun (I don't find them fun). For instance there's a part where there are bees and you are sitting in your seat and all of a sudden you feel a little poke in your back. There's something in the seat that pokes you at just the right moment so you think a bee is attacking. You'll hear the shrieks throughout the audience. There's a few other gags like that, but I have advice. Sit forward in your seat, you'll miss everything. Then plug your nose and finally if it all becomes too much, take off your 3D glasses. Trust me.

Finally keep in mind that there's a little surprise at the end. So, after you think all the fun is over, continue sitting forward in your seat. You'll thank me later.

4/5 or 7/10 stars. It's a cute show, you can sit down, the building's air conditioned and there's almost always a very short wait time.

Primeval Whirl

This is a deceptive ride in the "Dinoland" area of Disney's Animal Kingdom. All around it are carnival rides and other "kid" stuff. When you just look at it, it seems like a leisurely ride back in time. It is not...leisurely, that is.

For those Minnesotans, remember that Valleyfair ride called Wild Rails? Well, it's like that ride, sort of a rollercoaster, except more jerky with less dramatic drops. Primeval Whirl has the added bonus of a spinning car. So, you're spinning in a car, the track has lots of turns, then a few drops and some hard stops and starts. Basically, if you didn't have neck problems before the ride, you likely will afterwards.

But this ride always makes me the happiest of people. I'm literally laughing the entire time. You really can't beat 5 minutes of straight laughter. Just don't drag little kids on the ride, especially if they don't want to go. Because it's worse than it looks.

4/5 stars!

P.S. The whole Valleyfair thing was a total blast from the past. I wikipedia'd that shit and found out that it's completely changed from the last time I was there!

Expedition Everest

Caution, this ride can make you sick. Fo' realz. It actually used to be worse. My mom and I were at the Animal Kingdom a few years back when they were "testing" the ride. We went on it and it gave me the best headrush. But there were people who staggered off of it and went straight for the trashcan. I'm not even joking. We saw at least 2 people do this.

Here's the deal, the coaster goes both forward and backward. Not only that, but it's pitch black and there's a point where you actually can't tell whether you are going forward or backward. It's wicked fun. There's also a yeti. He pops up from time to time wreaking havoc on young folks minds.

Funny story about this ride. The last time we were at the WDW, there was a British family in line behind us. The line was long and the family had this little 7 year old girl. She was terrified and kept crying that she didn't want to go on the ride. Her dad was being rather cold (typical Brit) and told her that she had to go on the ride because she's a big girl and can't be scared of things. She was begging him to not make her go on it and the father replied: "Ella, we all have to do things that scare us. Daddy does this by looking in the mirror everyday." Surprisingly, this seemed to soothe the girl. The ride, however, did not. The girl was wailing when she got off.

Scarred for life. That's what this ride will do to you.

5/5 or 9/10 stars.

Kilimanjaro Safaris

I will probably have many updates today because I'm supposed to be packing up my apartment. Whenever I have real work to do, I always end up procrastinating and doing other, less helpful things. So, here it goes...another ride review.

The Kilimanjaro Safari ride is at the Animal Kingdom...or the WDW version of a zoo. Only it's more exotic than a zoo because the animals are "free roaming" and they have things like gazelles running amok.

So, you get in this truck and they tell you that your going on a 2 week safari. You ride around the "African veldt" and see things like this:

And sometimes you see this:

It's a baby giraffe! Yay! And if you are really lucky, then you'll see something like this:

It's not the greatest picture, but it's a lion. You almost never see the lions because the lazy bastards sleep all day, but this one was awake and standing...and roaring. Okay, that last part was a lie because he was yawning, but still, I was pretty impressed.

As you can see, this ride brings you up close and personal with the animals. There are hippos, rhinos, zebras, gazelles, these african cattle, lions, alligators, elephants, ostriches AND MORE. It's impressive.

Go on this ride many times throughout the day because the animals sort of move around and feed at different times of the day, so it's always a different experience. The best time to go is right away in the morning. They have just released the animals from their nighttime cages and are feeding them, so most of the animals are out and active. By late afternoon, they are usually over the tourist shit and just laying around like the lazy pieces they truly are.

5/5 stars! It's fun for babies and senior citizens.