Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Things I Don't Understand, 2010 Edition

Last year, here were the things I didn't understand: Crocs, Hannah Montana, Lindsay Lohan's job, Trader Joe's and Jodi Picoult books. I still don't understand these things, although Lindsay Lohan has become more clear (as in, no one will hire her, but she continues to spend money as if she's making money because she's a crackhead either that or she actually is making money and I'm the crackhead). But, out with the old and in with the new. I have a new list of things that boggle my mind.
1. Uggs - I actually sort of get these. They are warm and comfy and cozy, but they are also ugly looking and expensive and they break down easily. I consider these a security blanket for your feet. I've seen people wearing their beat down Uggs to the grocery store...in June... Do your feet really need to be warm in June? Plus if any other shoe got so beat down that it looked like your dog had attacked them, peed on them and then left them in the street for a semi truck to run them over, you should have some self-respect and throw the effers out. But not Uggs. Oh no, Uggs you hold onto until all of the life has been sucked from their toasty shearling soles. Uggs puzzle me.

2. Kristen Stewart - she is a terrible actress. TERRIBLE! Did anyone see the scene in Twilight where she's in the hospital bed and Edward tells her he's leaving? Plus, I've seen her in other movies and she kind of does the same thing over and over again. It's like she just plays herself in every movie she's in, which isn't acting, it's just reciting lines. In 5 years she'll probably win an Oscar for reciting lines as herself playing an ugly, fat chick.

3. Elevator Etiquette - it's like elevators make people forget how to be polite. When I'm in an elevator and it stops on the floor I need to get out on and there's someone there waiting to get on the elevator, they storm it like the Bastille on 7/14. I always want to shout "I GET OUT BEFORE YOU GET ON!" Anything other than that is rude. Honestly. It's the rule.

4. Health Insurance - Here's what I know about health insurance. It's awesome even when it sucks so hard, it is complicated and confusing and no one ever likes to explain it (although it seems like everyone else in the world understands it even when I don't have a clue) and there is a debate about it. I read the newspaper articles and still don't really understand the debate. I think, when boiled down to idiot, it's because people want more coverage, but other people don't want to give more coverage. Or something. Anyhow, at open enrollment time at my work, I looked at all of the charts, read all of the information and came to the conclusion that I am dumb and therefore, extremely lucky to be insured. Just the other day I told my mom I was making a dentist appointment and she asked me if I had coverage. My response: "Hellz if I know."

5. Ed Hardy - People, please. If you are still spending money on these clothes, you should burn in hell for all of eternity. The dude from the octuplet show reveres his Ed Hardy tees, that should tell you something.

A year from now, I'm hoping at least 2 of these mysteries are cleared up for me, as well as at least one from the previous year. I'm hoping it's the Jodi Piccoult books. Because that shit ain't right.


Anonymous said...

First, have you ever noticed that the people who wear their beat up Ugg boots to the grocery store are also wearing pajama bottoms? Do pajamas and Ugg boots go together in some odd way that I don't understand? Just wondering....
Secondly about elevator etiquette--working at a large corporation, I could be considered an expert in this area. Keep watching and listening to see if there is anything else you can say about the people who storm the elevators while you are trying to get off. I think there may be a relationship that I'm not saying on a darn blog comment!
Third--if KS is such a bad actress, then why do you want to see "New Moon"?

Love ya,

Molly said...


1. yes pajamas and uggs go together like peas and carrots.
2. I'm not sure about your large corporation, but at the courthouse everyone storms the elevators. There's no pattern to the people who will partake in this tomfoolery.
3. I want to see New Moon because it's a trainwreck I can't look away from. And because Rob Pattinson's hair is amazing.

I hope this cleared up all of your inquiries.

Anonymous said...

1) I was right about Uggs and pajama bottoms!
2) In my elevator watching, most people who storm the elevators speak a different language than I do. There, I said it.
3) Who is Rob Pattison? JK...

Love ya,