Things I Don't Understand

I haven't recently done a post on actual "New Month" related activities, so I'm doing this one to ask the magical genie for another 2009 wish. This time I would like one (or more) of these confusing life mysteries to be cleared up for me.

1. Crocs - I can't believe people wear these as like, actual shoes. Whenever I see someone wearing crocs, my first thought is, they must not own a mirror. And I know that some of you own and wear crocs and I know that many of you will say things like "But I'm in healthcare", or "But they're so comfortable". Those are not excuses to me.

2. Hannah Montana - What is this about? Seriously, it makes me very uncomfortable.


3. Lindsay Lohan's job - I see her picture on gossip sites almost everyday shopping at places that are hawking seriously expensive goods. And yet, she doesn't appear to work...EVER! I'm hoping to become superficial friends with her so that she can teach me her secret to doing nothing and making a ton of money at it. (I feel the same way about Mischa Barton).

4. Trader Joe's - Everything I've ever bought at Trader Joe's tastes terrible...and I've bought a lot of things there. People must not have gotten the memo on this or they must not care because the parking lot at that place is always packed. I just don't understand driving around for 20 minutes in a parking lot looking for a place to park in order to buy food that tastes like sawdust.

5. Jodi Picoult books - I had never heard of this author and then one day at Target I was looking for a book and she had about 70 different titles on the bookshelf. I looked at the covers of all 70 and thought, these look terrible. Then I found out that they are actually super popular. They still look terrible.

There's a list of 5 "life mysteries" (as my brother would say) that I would like cleared up in the new year, but preferably in the new month because I'm impatient.

Twilight - the movie.

I can't go on any longer without publicly commenting on this movie. I just can't hold it in, much like Bella and Edward's love for each other, I must give in.

So, yes, I read the Twilight book in 3 days because I couldn't put it down. And yes, I was somewhat embarrassed about it. Even more embarrassing was the fact that I immediately ran out and purchased books 2, 3, and 4 and couldn't put those down. So, I spent about 2 weeks reading the Twilight series.

Then I learned about the movie and how they had cast the hotness that is Cedric Diggory (did I mention that my alias Moaning Myrtle saw him naked in a huge bathtub at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry?) as the lead character and I was pretty pumped about this movie. Then I saw the trailer...and my heart sank and soared. I thought the movie would be awesomely bad and I always secretly love movies that are awesomely bad and watch them repeatedly and obsessively. So, I was excited for this movie, but a little bummed because I thought the movie had the potential to be really great.

Much to my chagrin, the movie was neither awesome nor awesomely bad, it was just meh. It was like dipping diamonds in mud and calling them rocks. There's potential there to be so very good, but the actual presentation was nothing special. It was also very low budget, i.e. the Cullen's are supposed to have more money than God himself and yet Edward is wearing the same shirt throughout the entire movie?! WTF?

Worse than all of this was the lead actress who almost had me leave the theatre in a rage. She's so not good at what she does, I mean seriously, homegirl better rethink the day job. When I got around to reading reviews of the movie, I thought critics would be in agreement because while I'm no expert on acting, I can recognize someone who has little talent (I claimed Mischa Barton was a terrible actress on the first day of The OC). CRITICS ARE NOT IN AGREEMENT WITH ME! In fact, they love her, they think she's the most wonderful up-and-coming actress on the planet, perfectly cast and acted for the role of Bella Swan. I don't get it, does anyone else understand this insanity?

2008, Please Get Out of My Life

I feel like 2009 has to be a great year, it just has to be. I had really high hopes for 2008, but it blew. Both personally and meteorologically. I'm sure it blew in other ways as well, but I'm too tired for adjectives.

I think 2009 has a lot of exciting things in store and I can't wait to give 2008 the boot. After all 12/31 is sort of the granddaddy of all new month's eve, so it should be celebrated champagne style. On that note, I'm curious about some NYE resolutions...last year, mine was to simplify life and live more puritan style. I failed miserably. I wanted this really calm year and instead I got chaos and emotional fuckery. I hate both of these things.

My 2009 NYE resolution is going to be to have the worst year possible. I figure I'm going to go at this from a "George Costanza" opposites angle. I'm going to try and have the worst and most stressful year and maybe then things will start to look up. I'll keep y'all updated!

A Day At the Courthouse

Many people wonder about my glamorous life as a judicial law clerk. Working at the courthouse, you see some outrageous behavior and F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S (that was a nod to Kadie, btw) wardrobe choices. Just today I saw the most amazing mullet I have ever seen. It was peroxide blond and gelled like no one's business. It sort of looked like a blond Knickie from Grease, except a woman and more of a definitive mullet.

I digress. The point is that at the courthouse, you never know what bizarre situation you will find yourself in at the end of a hearing. Which is why the following excerpt from an email from another law clerk is particularly amusing and offers just a brief glance into my highly glamorous lifestyle.

What do we do with left over evidence from a guilty-verdict trial?

Specifically I’m talking about a bag of meth … The deputies are telling me that they won’t take it and that we should keep it and lock it away somewhere.

Does anyone know what I should do with this stuff?

What's a young attorney to do? You're in a building filled with deputies not to mention the cutest drug/bomb sniffing dog you've ever seen and you're just supposed to take a bag of crystal meth and carry it around trying to find some random cabinet to lock it in and forget about it. I know some day I'll probably be unlocking one of these random cabinets and find bags of various drugs, guns and used condoms all just waiting to be found by an unsuspecting law clerk.

Let's Get Political

I realize this is a blog about an almost now defunct monthly celebration and not about politics. But, with the current election climate how it is, I felt like I couldn't hold in my gems of thought any longer. That's right, I am going to share my family jewels with all of you (or is it pearls of wisdom?? Either way, they're precious stones from the collection of my mind). The first topic of my ramblings is campaign spending...

SERIOUSLY, WTF is wrong with some of these politicians and the amount of money that they are willing to spend to become a U.S. Senator? This year in Minnesota's Senatorial election, Al Franken and Norm Coleman combined to spend almost 32 million dollars on their campaigns...while the country's economy is failing! This isn't even counting the amount of money that the Democratic and Republican National Committees chipped in for more annoying television ads. What is even more hysterical is the fact that Dean Barkley spent only $78,000 on his campaign and managed to get 15% of the vote. Ultimately, this election has taught me that 32 million dollars can only guarantee you 84% of the vote in MN.

I usually prefer to consider all things in terms of shopping, so here's my shopping example of what this means. Let's say I'm going to some big event (the Oscars) and I want to be certain that an up and coming actor (Robert Pattinson) would make out with me. Therefore, I would need to guarantee that I looked stunning. So let's say I went to a major designer (Marc Jacobs, Alexander McQueen, Christian LaCroix just to name a few) and said here's 32 million dollars, please make me a dress that's guaranteed to make people swoon and make out with me. Said designer then takes about 10 months to make the most perfect (and most expensive) dress in history. I put the dress on and go to the Oscars and meet up with my preferred up and coming actor and say, "I really loved you in your new movie (Twilight...and no, I'm not 14, but Robert Pattinson is effing hot and we already starred in a Harry Potter movie together), would you like to make out." If the up and coming actor's response is that only 84% of him thinks that he would like to make out with me I would march myself right back to the designer and demand a refund. Maybe it's just twisted morals, but I feel like 32 million dollars sure as hell better guarantee you 100% of something whether it be Senate votes or making out with Robert Pattinson.

Am I naieve or is inflation really that bad?

Spring Fever Pub Crawl

About a month ago I wanted to post this little gem of a quote:

"It's spring fever....you don't quite know what it is you DO want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache you want it so!"
--Mark Twain (a smart bitch)

But, the month got a little hectic and the frenetic energy that usually goes along with spring seemed to fizzle before I got the post out. There's definitely something to that spring fever, though, right?

Anyhow, it's almost June's Eve...the start of summer. And what better way to celebrate than with a pub crawl? If you can't celebrate at the pub crawl on the eve, than feel free to celebrate the beginning of June at the biggest street festival in the country...Grand Ol'/Ole/Old Days.

May's Blooming Soon

And if you look closely at this picture you can see the spring blooms...they're all around the big rock. Spring flowers are my favorite sight in the world. Tulips, peonies, daffodils. Lovely. It really sickens me that they die two weeks after blooming. Actually now I feel really depressed. I think maybe I hate spring flowers, they're kind of a tease. You buy a bouquet of tulips and they brighten your home for a couple of days until they wilt and start to rot. Then visitors come over and while they used to say "Gee, those flowers are beautiful", now they can't even look at the vase because the flowers just make you look sad and cheap like you can't buy new flowers to put in your pathetic little vase.

Anyways, May is coming up and we need a way to celebrate it in a big way. Perhaps we can finally get that bowling in. Who's game (get it...game...bowling...har har)?

NME Resolution Suggestion

This suggestion is for all the biyatches. Your April NME Resolution should be to invest in a clutch. Seriously. The weather is getting nicer and the clubs are getting more crowded. If I get bumped by one more diaper bag when I go out to a club I'm going to throw it down, and you DO NOT want to taste my pain.

A Slut Named Snow Just Ruined My April's Eve

Here's what I was wearing last year on April's Eve:
















It was sleeveless (and low cut, but you can't tell from this picture). My point is that there's something cosmically wrong with 2008. It's been cantankerous at best and I am sick of it. After ringing in the new month of April I will be giving 2008 the biggest bitch slap I can muster. I think that everyone should join me. It will be the bitch slap felt 'round the world. *BAM*. I may not have a lot of upper arm strength, but I'm very scrappy.

Vegas Lounge, A Wrinkle In Time

You know it's bad when you go out to a bar on a Saturday night and the hottest dude in the place is wearing sweatpants and a tshirt with a predatory animal on it. That's right a tshirt with an animal showing fangs. HOT!

Stepping into the Vegas Lounge was like entering a time portal and being thrown into a Minneapolis dive bar in 1993. And there was karaoke. The highlight of the evening came when an old drunk lady of about 60 had the following conversation with Grace:

Old Lady: Hey, do you speak sign language?

Grace: No.

OL: My boss wants me to talk to deaf people.

G: Hmmm....

A little later, the lady hugs Grace and says:

OL: I knew from the second that I saw you that you were a good girl.

G: Thanks.

OL: I teach catechism classes.

G: Oh.

OL: You should model.

G: Thanks.

It's only a day away from my favorite holiday of the month! Happy Almost April bitches.

Question:

Where the eff did March go? Seriously. I woke up this morning and thought that April 1st must be about 3 weeks away until my 1,000 Places to See Before You Die Page-A-Day Calendar told me what's what. Today's photo was Mt. Rainier in case you were wondering (true story).

Anyhow, the history lesson for the day is that La Tour Eiffel (Eiffel Tower) was inaugurated on April's Eve in 1889. Thank you Gustave Eiffel your decorative use of over 7,000 tons of steel is truly an inspiration.

2008 Wish Come True

SNAP A LAP! It's like I have a genie in a bottle up in here. My 2008 Wish for Minneapolis was a hip new club to lower my inhibitions and general standards of decency. Holy Hannah my every dream came true.

Sort of...

Sushi Seven Ultralounge recently opened in downtown and it's so hip it's almost 5 minutes ago. I don't care though, I'm just glad someone read my blog and recognized the intense need for new blood in downtown.

In other partying news, I have almost officially turned my back on uptown. In the last two months I have been viciously kicked out of a liquor store, told I was ugly and been flipped off by a random stranger for no apparent reason. Basically I'm not crossing the border until that part of the city gets a serious attitude adjustment. That means I will not be spreading the NME joy to uptown for awhile.

February - Out Like A Bitch

I had to use an old photograph from the famous April's Eve 2007 to show the passing of March's Eve. I blame it on the cold, bitter weather and the fact that everyone hates February for the recent slowdown in NME celebrations globally. It's okay though, I hear warmer weather and the advent of spring melts even the iciest of hearts.

HAPPY MARCH!

The Asexual Messiah

If you didn't know me in college, this might not make sense. But, it doesn't need to make sense to be true. Right Grace? On a side note, I think the title of his book Unsafe at Any Speed is a secret nod to the current asexual movement. SEX-- UNSAFE AT ANY SPEED. I bet he thought of that while watching Chicken Run.

Leap Into March

Get It....Cause it's Leap Year. And it's on a Friday. Holla!

Anyway, there's a tradition dating back to England or somewhere over in Europa where Leap Year was the only acceptable day for a woman to make a proposal of marriage to a man. Further if the dude rejected that proposal he had to soften the blow by providing the woman with a kiss, one pound currency and a silk gown. I think in modern times this translates to a french kiss (hey, I'm a prude), a hundred bones and a Louis Vuitton handbag.

There will be a lot of lucky guys receiving marriage proposals from me. Or at least those two who will return my phone calls.

NME Resolutions

Some people have been asking me just how to make a NME Resolution. And by some people I mean no one, but NME Resolutions are entertaining so I'm going to tell you how to make them.

STEP 1: Don't try to save the world with your resolution. You're not Gandhi. Just say you want to eat more Chipotle in the new month and call it a day.

STEP 2: Don't repeat resolutions more than one month in a row. For example (and this is of course hypothetical), if my NME Resolution in January was to make out with a random guy, I can't make that my resolution for February. March, however, is negotiable. Like my dignity will be when I make that my March Resolution.

I would have included more steps, but making resolutions isn't that complicated.

February - In Like a Whore

Seriously, I'm cranky and February has been a bitch to me. All I have to say is Boo, you whore (except Becca, only her, Jacob and the Chatterbox Pub know why). I meant to post that 6 days ago.

Feb's Eve Evite Sent: Let the Games Begin

The Feb's Eve Evite has been sent. Let me just say that I am E to the X to the C to the I-T-E-D. I hope that spells Excited. Grace suggested a Civil War Theme with costume ideas being John Wilkes Booth and Mary Todd Lincoln. The Civil War Theme was nixed, but MTL may make an appearance. Let's face it, I don't need a costume to be the spitting image of that bitch.

Ways The Past Has Celebrated Feb's Eve

I wikipediaed some things that have famously happened on Feb's Eve in the past, here are some of the more remarkable events that the universe has blessed us with on Feb's Eve (top ten style):

(10) In 1849 the UK abolished Corn Laws, and thank the Lord, because what would we do if the UK's 19th Century Corn Laws were still in existence?

(9) In 2005 Michael Jackson plead innocent to alleged child molestation, rumor has it that Neverland and Bubbles the Monkey had a huge Feb's Eve party that night

(8) In 1865 Robert E Lee was put in charge of the Confederate Army. Great American Heroes and Feb's Eve!

(7) In 1930 3M gave us Scotch Tape....the world has never been the same and neither have my bedroom walls

(6) Last year (2007) Feb's Eve saw two bridges and a couple other major roadways shut down in Boston because of those super funny Aqua Teen Hunger Force advertisements that looked suspiciously like bombs. Funny pranks and Feb's Eve go hand in hand.

(5) In 1929 the Soviet Union exiled Leon Trotsky, and a Happy Feb's Eve to Mr. Lenin and all those Bolsheviks. Although somewhere the Commie Tommies are crying.

(4) In 2002 the environment celebrated Feb's Eve by disintegrating a large section of the Antarctic Larsen Ice Shelf. Yay for Global Warming!

(3) In 1990 thousands spent the day waiting in line outside the first McDonald's in Moscow. And in 1991, thousands were admitted to the Russian hospital for quadruple bypass surgery. No, I kid, McDonald's is delicious and nutritious.

(2) In 1747 London Lock Hospital opened the very first VD clinic! The foresight...it's as if they knew that Feb's Eve would become the greatest day for having sex with strangers and passing on VD.

(1) In 1981 Feb's Eve brought some sexy back (is that getting old yet?) when it welcomed Mr. JT to the world. Holla!

Almost Famous New Words

If my friends don't become famous for starting the New Month Eve Revolution, then let me assure you they will become famous for coining some awesomely sweet new words. Here are a few of my favorites:

Fa-chick -- foul ass chick, i.e. Paris Hilton
Swass/Swussy/Sween/Swalls -- swass = sweaty ass, I'll leave the rest for you kids to figure out
Fruitacular -- food that is surprisingly fruity and delicious, i.e. spumoni
Clit Slit -- a skirt that is cut so short as to show off your feminine goodness
kewl -- I actually don't know what this means, but Kara always makes me say it
Asex -- not so much a new word as a revolution, basically someone who you just can't imagine is interested in sex, i.e. Ralph Nader

I know I'm forgetting some, but these are my favorites.

Feb's Eve Gets Lost

Another weekend, another Lost marathon. Which leads me to the point of this post. The fourth season premiere of Lost is on January 31st.

Looks like the Febs Eve spirit has reached the powers that be at ABC. Welcome to the revolution, my friends. I think this year's Febs Eve party will be island styled.

My 2008 Wish for Minneapolis:

A new, hip downtown club. After spending the summer and fall bouncing between 3 venues, I can honestly say that this town needs some fresh blood. It would be wonderful to crawl out of winter hibernation in May to find that there's a fabulous new place to make Summer of 2008 much more interesting.

Here's my list of reasons why Mpls needs a new club:

• NV (or Envy...whatever) - terrible, terrible music
• The Lodge - weird ambiance and you are guaranteed to run into someone you don't want to see
• Spin - when I was a kid it was Tropix and it was just as seedy. Any place that's 18+ isn't worth going to after you turn 17
• Foundation - was cooler when it was Level
• Drink - please
• Annex/Lone Tree - see Drink
• Escape - I didn't even know this place was still open
• Infiniti Room - There's a long story about why this place sucks, but in short form, a girl was attacked by a guy there and management didn't do anything. Yuck
• Refuge/Rosens/District/Brothers - I've seen people not wear shoes at each of these places

In my opinion the best club in downtown is the Lounge with Aqua coming in a distant second followed by Imperial Room. Honorable Mention goes to Red, White & F*!&ing Blue and The Loop.

Happy 2008!