Happy New Year

Lots of people in the blog world are doing year-end recaps. But, I'm not going to do that. I can't possibly remember everything that happened over the last year. Like everyone else, I went on vacations, I had some really awesome shit happen to me, I had some really bad shit happen to me and I gained great insight about the direction of my life. Or something like that.

2012 resolutions are going to be to: eat more fruit, take more pictures, get photos hung on my walls, cook from my cookbooks more and destress my life in a major way. Will I fail, will I succeed? Who knows and who really cares after February?

I wish you all the best in the upcoming year! Yay for 2012! I think it's going to be a good one.

Best Meal...Ever

I really loathe the term foodie. I don't even get what it means. I once was at a restaurant with someone that I didn't know very well who told me point blank that she was a "foodie" and so was her husband. Then she ordered a hamburger at a seafood restaurant. Dumbo.

Anyhow, I enjoy going to really nice restaurants as a treat every now and again. Some of my local favorites are: Forepaugh's (best bread), Heartland and of course Luci Ancora. Some of my most favorite meals, however, have been out of towners. Off the top of my head I'm thinking of this place I went in Beaver Creek, CO that I think was called The Golden Goose, this seafood platter that my mom and I had in Ireland at a little restaurant called The Point, another seafood lunch at a restaurant in Lahaina, Maui, HI with my mom and at Boma in Disneyworld. I also enjoyed every single restaurant that I visited in Charleston, SC with Michael. I'm sure I'm leaving some off the list, but you get the idea. Bitch likes to eat.

When Michael and I decided to go to Vegas for a few days this fall, I told him that I really wanted to go to Bobby Flay's Mesa Restaurant at Caesar's Palace. I have always wanted to try his food and we would be so close. Michael agreed that we should probably add it to our list of things to-do! Yay!

I loved the ambiance of Mesa, although we really had to search for it in Caesar's Palace which is the most jumbled casino of them all! We originally weren't going to order an appetizer, but hey, when in Rome...So, we got the Tiger Shrimp and Roasted Garlic Corn Tamale.

I had never had a tamale before. Let me say right now that people need to be eating tamales more often. I think tamale eating could cause world peace. The shrimp weren't bad either. I scraped every last bit of the tamale filling out of it's little corn husk and had no shame in looking like a complete pig while doing it. Oink, oink I shouted!

Now for the food, Mike had the Sixteen Spice Chicken (at least I think that's what he had, it's the picture above). It was divine. The flavor on everything was amazing. Bobby really knows his shit. As I recall, the meat was also very tender which is another plus because there's nothing worse than dry chicken. I had the Ancho Chile Glazed Salmon pictured below. It was so wonderful. There's something about the sauces that were on each of the plates that really made the dish.

Because the server twisted our arms, we also ordered sides. This corn dish (I can't remember what it's called, but it's corn, cheese and cilantro) and mashed potatoes. If all we ordered for dinner was this dish of corn, I would have been happy. I would have swam in that little dish of heaven. The mashed potatoes were also wonderful, but let's be real, it's hard to eff up mashed potatoes, right?

And that was it. We were too stuffed for dessert. I absolutely loved Mesa Grill. Everything we had was divine, although I think the best was the appetizer and side dishes. The one downside was the prices. I mean, I know fancy restaurants are expensive, but Mesa was a little excessive for this midwesterner's tastes. We didn't even order drinks. So, even though the price wasn't super appealing, I'd still go there once just to say you've eaten Bobby Flay's delicious food.

If I were an Iron Chef judge I'd let him win every time!

Mockingjay

Alright, let's finish this series out, shall we. Mockingjay is the last book in The Hunger Games series. The first of the movies is set to come out in March of this upcoming year. So, let's get to brass tacks. Mockingjay is intense and kind of confusing. Definitely the most poorly written and conceived of the three books. But, that so often happens, doesn't it?

Our heroine Katniss is now somewhat safe in the rebel District 13. But, she's finding that the rebel district isn't offering up nearly the type of freedom that she thought it would be. It's a no-fun zone filled with strict rules, curfews and lots of classes. Katniss is all "This sucks", but she's got bigger fish to fry in the form of rescuing that cute buttercup Peeta.

Peeta, however, has been brainwashed into hating Katniss and the rescue isn't exactly what Katniss had intended. And now they are in the Capitol, under full assault, so Peeta's problems take a back seat.

They quickly realize that the Capitol's President Snow means business. Creepy, disturbing business. And people die. I'm warning you now that people you don't want to die will die and it will be sad. Sad to a point where you need to put down the book and have yourself a good cry about how terrible the future world is. But, then pick that book right back up because there's no crying in baseball and futuristic war stories.

Okay, back to the Capitol. Katniss finds President Snow, but then she realizes that he isn't the ultimate enemy and that District 13's President Coin is actually worse. So, she serves up some justice Katniss style and then life is perfect for basically everyone but her and Peeta. Their lives will forever be haunted by The Hunger Games.

And that's the ending. This series is short, dramatic and sweet. Although, I'm not going to lie, there's a lot of plot twists in the end that were not fully fleshed out and got super contrived and confusing. So, in hindsight it's like "Is this the best you got?"

I'm still giving it high stars because I couldn't put it down. 4/5 or 8/10 stars.

Advice From an Old Bat

When I first started in the working world, I remember being totally unprepared for the fact that my Christmas break was shortened from three weeks to one day. Since I was the newbie in the office, I had to work on Christmas Eve day which seemed sacreligious to me since Christmas Eve was my more favorite of the two days. I worked a full day, went straight to my mom's house where relatives were already gathering and had to jump from my working girl grumpiness to a festive holiday mood in eight seconds flat. It sucked. Then I had the next day off, but it was so busy that it didn't really feel like a vacation day. Then the following day, the 26th of December, I had to jump out of bed and go back to work. All of my Christmas joy was shattered.

Since that time I have realized how precious Christmas break truly is. It's 2-3 weeks of doing absolutely nothing. You can go to a movie at 11:00 A.M. You can go to the mall anytime you feel like it. You can spend several hours at lunch with friends. You can stay up late curled up in an armchair reading Pride and Prejudice and sipping hot chocolate. You can spend an entire day in your pajamas playing with your new toys.

Kids (and college students) don't realize how lucky they have it. Christmas break is the most awesomest thing in the entire world. If you have it, use it wisely.

P.S. Is it too late to become a teacher?

Santa Was Here

This Saturday, I spent the afternoon wrapping gifts. I am a terrible gift wrapper, so it takes me a long time to get everything all wrapped up. Part of the problem is my anal retentiveness. All packages have to be wrapped in only red, white and green.

I'm really particular about wrapping paper. This year I couldn't find exactly what I wanted, so I had to settle for what I could find. I'm not sure it all meshes together as cohesively as in year's past.

When I had them all stacked up, I couldn't even see the Christmas tree over the top of the stack. I wanted to lay them out to get a better picture.

Voila! Here they all are. The photos turned out a little bit dark. I've been experimenting with camera settings and obviously this was a fail. But, you get the idea. Can't wait for everyone to open up their gifts and see what they got! I had some really good gift ideas this year!

Tis the Season

Some may remember that one of my majors in college was Marketing. I think my specialty was retailing. I wouldn't be a great face-to-face salesperson due to my extreme awkwardness, but I'm really good at the more subtle types of marketing. Things like product placement and atmospheric marketing. Those things I'm really good at.

In college and law school, I worked for a small retail store and I liked to do their window displays. I'm not sure anyone else really loved for me to do them, though. I kind of obsessed over them. I'd create a theme like "Limes and Lace" where everything had to be lime green or white lace. It was probably super obnoxious, but I got a lot of sales with those window displays. More than once someone called the store and said "I was just driving by your store and I'd like you to put the outfit in the window on the right on hold for me." Now, that's good marketing.

Anyhow, a good friend of mine snapped the above pic of a recent holiday window display. What the duck were these people thinking? Nothing says holiday spirit like two well-dressed and polished mannequins holding a large red phallic object right at their crotches. I'm not sure that this imaging will help with their sales either. Then again, sex sells.

The lesson here is that when creating a window display, sometimes it's a good idea to take a step back and actually look at what we've created. And if it's what's seen above, maybe find a different spot for that random red oblong package.

Photo credit: My friend Christina.

I Am a Crafty Bitch

Recently, my friend Grace and I got a bug up our rears to do some crafting. We decided on Christmas wreaths. There were many decisions before us, do we use jingle bells, candies, natural things, large balls. Based on pinterest, the possibilities seemed endless. We decided on pine cones and I spent a few days in a local park picking pine cones, which I'm not really sure is legal. But, I did it anyways.

Our method was to get Styrofoam wreath outlines, wrap them in ribbon and then hot glue pine cones to them. Easy enough. All of the supplies came from Michael's. As you can see, we snacked on Triscuits, hummus and cheese.

This is my wreath in production. I used some of the larger pine cones mixed with smaller ones. Grace focused on the smaller cones. I ran out of ribbon, so there is a large portion of my wreath that isn't covered, so don't look too closely at it if you see it in person.

Here is Grace's in the midst of completion. It's coming along very nicely. The pine cones were pretty easy to glue on with the hot glue gun.

This is Grace's finished product. We added a wide red velvet ribbon to attach it to the door and then a red sparkly bird. The bird was an impulse buy at Michael's, but I think it adds a little more pizazz to the wreaths.

And here is my completed product. I got one of the sparkly birds in green and glued it to the bottom.

I love how the wreaths turned out and they were so easy. They were not as cheap as I thought they'd be, but the big expense was the glue sticks and I won't have to get new ones for the next time I make a wreath. We also bought some large pine cones that we ended up not using because they were too big and bulky.

Next up for my crafting adventures will be a Valentine's Day wreath. Anyone have good suggestions for materials?

Bulk Buying

Recently, I bought a membership to Sam's Club. Is Sam's Club a universal thing? It's basically a big warehouse of food and other household necessities that only come in bulk sizes. The theory is that this saves you money. They also seem to be ALWAYS giving out food samples, so you can go there for lunch.

I have found that I am saving a lot of money in one key place of my life. Fake butter. The only thing that I use fake butter for is toast and sandwiches. I never cook with it. Don't ever cook with fake butter. The same goes for Miracle Whip and low fat cheeses. Don't ever try to melt these things or you will vomit. I actually have a really funny story about how in college I didn't know that Miracle Whip was not in fact actual mayonnaise, so I made my mom's artichoke dip recipe with Miracle Whip and stuck it in the oven to bake. All of these globules of Miracle Whip floated to the bottom and this oily layer floated to the top. Somewhere in the middle of all of this was cheese and artichokes.

Anyhow, even though I only use fake butter on toast and sandwiches, I seem to go through a lot of it. Enter the five pound tub of Country Crock that I found at Sam's Club. That's a lot of fake butter! A regular tub is one and a half pounds (or something like that). When I saw this 5-pound tub at Sam's Club, I told Mike that we needed fake butter because we were almost out. We went back and forth about whether people would make fun of us if they ever saw the 5- pound tub in our refrigerator and figured that very few people look in there, so we might as well go for it.

It was only $5.99. I wasn't sure if I was getting a good deal or not because I didn't know how much a regular tub of fake butter cost. When we left Sam's, we went over to Byerly's to buy our fruits and vegetables and I checked on the 1.5-pound fake butter tubs. $3.49! I then gave myself a special hug to commend my money saving techniques.

Now, if anyone wants to come over I can make you some sandwiches and you don't have to worry that you are breaking my budget by asking for extra fake butter.

Maharajah Jungle Trek

Animal Kingdom really is all about the animals. But, sometimes, in between all of the rides and multiple visits to Flame Tree BBQ, you realize that you haven't seen many of those darn animals. Maharajah Jungle Trek gives you a good chance to see creatures up close and personal. It's kind of hidden, though, so don't forget to seek it out. You won't be disappointed!

One of the first animals you will see is this komodo dragon. At least, that's what I think this is. Let's just pretend that I am right. Look at him creep and crawl. Okay...moving on...

At some point you will stumble upon the tiger's den! This is my absolute favorite. The tiger is not like the lion where it's lazy and sleeps all day. The tiger's are often out walking around and doing crazy things like drinking water and looking terrifying! Honestly, though, look at how close you get to see the tiger! I could stand there for days just watching him.

The tiger is probably the best part of the whole Maharajah Jungle Trek. I will warn you that there is a BAT HOUSE! And I believe there is also another REPTILE HOUSE. I do not look at these things and instead just run through them screaming!

I really enjoy the Maharajah Jungle Trek. I don't know what Disney zoologist's secret is to keeping the animals in their little areas, but they do a great job. You are usually guaranteed to get a really great viewing of all of the animals. I'm sure that the optimal times to go, though, are during the animal's feeding times, but that's also the most busy. I also think that the jungle trek is good because you can do it at your own pace. You could spend 15 minutes or 2 hours. There are very few things in Disney that are up to the guest, so take advantage of this one!

I will give this one a 3/5 or 6/10 stars. I feel like it's kind of hard to find and could be advertised more. Sometimes you also have to deal with those annoying bastards (i.e. little children) who won't move their pudgy faces from the glass so that the adults can get a good look at the animals.

Catching Fire

The last time I talked about The Hunger Games series, I talked about how I was worried that the movies would be crap. Well in between then and now, a trailer has come out. And peeps, that trailer was awesome. So, I'm going to hope for somewhere in the middle of crap and awesomeness.

I don't want to give up too much about this book mostly because my mother is currently in the middle of reading the book and will be upset if I spoil details. So, I thought about doing a review OUT OF ORDER, but then the OCD part of my brain that says I can do nothing out of a very rigid order would not allow me to do it. I seriously think that to do something out of order would cause my head to explode. I figured that my mom would prefer to be spoiled than to have my head explode. But, I will be careful.

We return to the story with Katniss and Peeta winning The Hunger Games. There aren't actually supposed to be two victors and the evil government is hella pissed that there are. The country, however, is excited! So, the evil President is running a tight line of punishing Katniss and congratulating her. There's a lot of tension.

This evil President is no dummy and he creates a nefarious plan that puts Katniss back into the danger that we love so much. Katniss is a pretty badass government rebel and she puts the evil government and President in its place. The book is tense and gripping up until an explosive ending that basically leaves you hanging until the third book in the series.

I loved Catching Fire, but didn't love how the ending made the immediate continuation of the third book vitally necessary. You see that a lot in series books. The Two Towers, Eclipse, etc. The middle books give no satisfaction besides advancing the plot towards the heroic ending of the series. It's a necessary evil.

So, I rated the book mediocre. 3/5 or 7/10 stars. I cannot wait for these movies.

Christmas Magic

How insanely awesome does my mom's Christmas tree look this year. Well, she has me to thank. I am kind of a genius at lighting Christmas trees. My secret is that I wrap each branch individually with lights. The tree above has 750 lights on it. My mom says it hurts her eyes. But it looks amazing. I've been experimenting with my camera a lot and this was the best shot that I got. I love the way the lights glow. I'm going to have to go back at night and see if I can intensify this effect.

Christmas is officially here. Every year it sneaks up on me, but this year I'm hoping to be ready for it. I've got my own tree up, half of my gifts purchased with the other half already decided upon and my Christmas card list made. Plus I am stressed out! The holidays are here!

Here's a list of my most favorite holiday traditions:

Looking at Christmas Lights. I love driving around to see how people have decorated their houses. The area that I live in always has lots of decorated houses. This year the weather was really nice the weekend after Thanksgiving, so I'm expecting there to be more lights outside than usual. Yay!

Baking. My mom and I go nuts with baking cookies. I'm pretty sure that if you dug in her freezer you'd find some cookies from Christmas 2010, Christmas 2009 and probably a couple of stragglers from Christmas 2008. We are currently nailing down our cookie list for this year.

Christmas Movies. So far, the only Christmas movie that I've watched is Grumpy Old Men. I'm hoping to get in Christmas Vacation, Home Alone & Home Alone 2, The Santa Clause, The Grinch, Elf, Charlie Brown, Rudolph and Frosty. I love sitting down with wine, popcorn, candles and a good Christmas flick.

Wrapping Gifts and Writing Cards. Nothing gives me quite so much joy as writing Christmas cards. I have always loved it. And I love displaying cards that I get, although this year I'm looking for a new method of displaying them. Any suggestions? I also love wrapping gifts and having a tree full of gifts underneath.

I am excited to celebrate this holiday season with my wonderful family and friends!

Quote of the Day

Coworker: What's going on with you and Julia? Ed. note: Julia is another coworker, but I changed her name to protect her identity.
Me: Well, we are in a cold war right now over the Tuesday afternoon calendar.
Coworker: Yikes. I'd keep that war cold. She's much larger than you.

Las Vegas: City of Bums

I don't remember there being so many bums in Vegas the last time that I was there. There are always bums in Vegas, but when I was there this past October it felt overcrowded with bums. They were everywhere. One day we walked from our hotel, Paris, to the MGM Grand and it was a bum war zone. You could not walk anywhere without one standing a little too close to your purse or one dancing around in a Homer Simpson costume demanding that you pay him for a photo. Where did they all come from? The irony of it all was that right across the street was this:
Gucci! Louis Vuitton! Prada! There were no bums on that side of the street. I guess the Vegas city council must have zoned it a no bum zone.

Okay, back to the picture at the top of this post. Peeps, this particular bum was sunning himself on a tiny patch of grass right next to Las Vegas Boulevard. It looks like a nice place for a nap. The problem is that he made himself comfortable by taking his shoes off. I don't want to sound harsh because I know he's homeless and showers aren't that convenient, but homeboy had some of the stankiest feet.

We were probably 10 feet from this bum and hadn't seen him yet when a noxious odor hit our olfactory nerves. We couldn't figure out what in the hell it was. That's when I saw him laying there with his shoes off. It had to be him. As we got closer, the smell got worse and worse. I have never in my life smelled anything like it. Half of me felt sorry for him and the other half wanted to demand that he put his shoes on. His feet were assaulting me.

I'm hoping that the next time I'm in Vegas, the streets are a little more cleaned up. Otherwise I may never leave my hotel.

It's the Most Terrible Time...of the Year!

Oh, awesome, snow. I don't know what it was about this year's first snow storm that caught me so off guard. I wasn't mentally prepared for it, I guess. Even though the snow looked so lovely and white and pure, inside I felt like crying. This past Saturday was a depressing day. So, now I need to gear myself up for all of the fun and exciting things that are going to be happening this winter. At least something has to get me through!

• Science Museum fun. Right now, the Omnitheatre is showing a movie called Amazon, it's playing through January. I'm guessing the Omnifest will be in January and that's always good. Then beginning February 18, 2012 will be a new exhibit called Real Pirates. It's all about the Golden Age of Piracy. That actually sounds pretty awesome. Aarrgh you going to go?


• Disney's The Lion King Broadway show. It's coming in January to the Orpheum. I'm really hoping to get some tickets from stubhub and go.


• The Winter Carnival Beer Dabbler. I am not a beer drinker, but I can at least find a couple of beers that I enjoy and there will be entertainment that I am hoping is in the form of a good band. You really don't need much to get me out of the house in the middle of winter. The fun is on January 28th at the St. Paul Farmer's Market.


• St. Paul Winter Carnival. I think the winter carnival is a little bit hokey, but what else are you going to do? The part about the carnival that I like the best is looking at the ice sculptures. These are usually pretty neat and at night they light up the area so it's very pretty and romantical if that's what you are looking for. That all happens in Rice Park. Another fun thing to do is walk around for an hour outside and then go into the St. Paul Hotel for a hot toddy. January 26-February 5.


• Movies! There are some good movies coming out just in time for the winter season. Sherlock Holmes, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Beauty and the Beast 3D, One for the Money, The Vow. A lot of times the crappy movies get shoved to January and February, but more often than not you can see a lot of cinematic gold during this time.


• Award Shows. There's something about award shows that I love to hate. They are so boring and yet I always watch beginning to end. Mike and I have created a special awards show dinner that consists of: shrimp cocktail with Byerly's Vidalia Onion and Meyer Lemon cocktail sauce, Boar's Head Buffalo chicken sandwiches on toasted kaiser rolls, Byerly's Asian Ramen Salad and Prosecco. We have this dinner while playing board games and making fun of celebrities.

So, there's my list so far. Let's hope Spring comes soon!

Random Acts of Douchebaggery

Sheriff Kirby is not happy. He's upset with retailers creating the craze that is Black Friday and then exploiting it to all the dum-dum humans. But this year is different. This year makes Sheriff Kirby IRATE! Stores opening at midnight and the human folk falling for it. WTF you big old douchebags.

Several years ago, my mother asked me to wait in line outside the Best Buy store on Black Friday so that we could get a good deal on a new computer. My exact words were "Hellz No Biznitch." It was cold and the store opened at 7:00 A.M. We would have to get there at 5:00 A.M. and I was not wasting a day off of school to get up early. No deal is that good.

I was totally right. NO DEAL IS THAT GOOD. Stop telling me about how you got a $300 printer for $50. I don't care. You look like a total ass clown camping outside the store in your tent. A printer is not worth losing your dignity.

This year, however, retailers are crossing a line. Stores are opening up at midnight, which ruins many people's turkey days. So, you're telling me that to get the best deals I have to leave my family early to go wait in line outside a local Kmart to get the ultimate blue light special. Way to ruin a holiday retailers. What will they do next year, start the deals at 8:00 P.M. on Thanksgiving. In 10 years the deals will start on midnight of Halloween!

The retail industry has gone too far and both Kirby and myself are RADding them. Boycott your local black Friday deals and let's take back Thanksgiving together!

On a side note, when I was a youngster my grandpa was telling me about how he had to go to Kmart and wanted to know if I would go with him. I said "Grandpa, you CANNOT go to Kmart! Someone might see you in there."

Reading Stoppage

Every year around this time I seem to fall into the same rut. I stop reading. I have not read a line from a book in almost a month! It's almost too horrible of a fact to even type. However, it's the truth and I am a truth teller.

I think it's the end of fall that has me wanting to be outside rather than inside reading. Plus, things have been so hectic lately that I can't seem to calm my mind to concentrate on words. Maybe it's Adult ADD? The last time that I read, I realized that after reading three pages I had no idea what was actually going on in the story because I started thinking about my grocery list and even though I was physically reading the book, I had stopped paying attention. Do they sell Ritalin for readers?

So, I'm not going to meet my goal for reading this year, but it's alright. I'm hoping that the colder weather will find me wanting to snuggle up with my kindle soon. That and the fact that I am finally almost totally caught up with my Tivo. Have you guys been watching TV this fall? After 3 years of total shit, there's finally something good to watch. Too many good things. I can't keep up!

The Voyage of the Little Mermaid

I remember back to the golden time of Disney movies. For me it was the late 80's/early 90's when we got back to back classics of Oliver & Company, The Little Mermaid, Beauty & the Beast, Aladdin and The Lion King. Those were great days. Then came Pocahontas which was not so great and then The Hunchback of Notre Dame which was terrible. I stopped caring after that.

At Disney's MGM/Hollywood Studios, they have a fun stage show that's a shortened version of the movie The Little Mermaid. The show runs continuously throughout the day and it's impressive how good it actually is considering there are live actors and elaborate sets.

We all know the story, Mermaid creepily stalks humans and falls in love with a prince. Then she makes a deal with the devil, or in this case the fatty boom ba latty octopus sea monster, and gets some legs! But in getting those legs, she loses her voice, which basically means she's screwed. Everyone knows that NO ONE loves a mute. Anyhow, once she's human she needs to get that dumb prince to kiss her so she can stay human and get her voice back. He's all "Shucks, I can't love a mute." And apparently she can't write, so not only is she a mute, but she's a dumb mute. At least she's got great hair and a tiny waist.

As you can imagine, madness and danger ensue. But things work out in the end, so it's all good. The pretty girl gets her man, her legs and her voice. It's a win-win-win.

The one thing about this show is that there are loud noises and some scary scenes. So, I'm not sure it's for all the little kids. Did you hear about the madness and danger? I would say 5 and above only, but really why would you want to bring anyone younger than 5 to Disney? Do you know how much it will cost you? Think back to how many memories you have before 5...do you really want to waste all that cash on toddlers who won't remember shit about the trip when they are older?

Anyhow, on to our ratings. The line for this ride can get long and the show is 18 minutes long, so once you get in the line you are committed. In the end it's worth it. The show is really well done and the story of the Little Mermaid is great. Plus, you get to sit on your ass, which is always a plus at Disney!

4/5 or 8/10 stars!

Sometimes Life is Too Short

Yesterday my uncle Dan died after a short battle with cancer. I refuse to give it any more power by making it a big "C". The best way to describe Dan was goofy, he was always laughing and making jokes. I will miss that.

My last memory of Dan was at his daughter's high school open house in late June of this summer. They had all these leftover hot dogs and Dan wanted people to take some as they were leaving "for the road". When my mom and I left he kept loudly saying that we needed to take a hot dog. We were all hot dogged out and declined. But, Dan is persistent and he kept at it. As we were walking down the driveway, in the rain, he started making up a dog. He was loudly telling us he was putting ketchup and mustard on it. We kept walking and laughing. When we got to our car and there he comes running down the driveway, hot dog in hand shouting "Linda, Molly, you forgot your hot dog." He brought it to us in the car. I had to hold it. The bun was soggy from the rain and the mustard was leaking out the side.

Truth be told I was so annoyed at him. I hate scenes and the whole open house was staring at us. Plus, I had to hold the soggy dog all the way back home. Now I am nothing but grateful that he gave me that one last memory of him. What he did that day was so Dan and now every time I think of him, I won't think of the person who was sick with cancer, I will think of him running down the driveway with a soggy hot dog, laughing his distinct laugh and making a room full of people laugh with him.

Two weeks after the open house, was my birthday. Dan was complaining at that time of a sinus infection that wouldn't quit. A few weeks after that he was told there was a mass in his head and a couple of days later we found out it was stage 4 head cancer and that it had metastasized. It's crazy how relentless and despicable this disease is.

We will miss you Dan!

Toe Fetishes

Last week for Halloween, a coworker came into work with this plate of cookies that she had made that all looked like different body parts. There were fingers, eyeballs and toes. She wanted everyone to take one of each. Above is a picture of the toe cookie.

The three cookies sat on my desk haunting me for the entire day. First I tried to eat the finger, but got really grossed out and couldn't bite into it. So, when no one was looking I threw it into my trash bin and then put a paper cup on top of it so that no one would know. Next, I tried the eyeball. I managed to take a small bite, but had to spit it out into a napkin. I kept thinking of actual eyeballs and I started gagging. That left the toe.

Oh Lord, that toe. Look at the thing. First of all, what is up with the green? The obvious explanation is that it is a witches toe, but I kept thinking of that one nail fungus commercial where the toe nail is lifted up and the cartoon fungus settles in. Then the black nail. Color me heebeejeebeed. After looking at the toe for a full day and a half, I finally pitched it. I just can't eat things that look like body parts (minds out of the gutter).

After getting rid of all of the body part cookies, I felt free! And I no longer got sick to my stomach sitting at my desk. Until the coworker came back and said that she had 10 toes left and that since I ate mine up so fast I should take another one. Shame set in and I grabbed a new toe off of her tray. Then she sat talking to me for 15 minutes probably wondering why the hell I wasn't biting into the cookie. As soon as she left I threw the toe into the garbage. Just holding it was giving me the shivers.

Do me a favor, please. If you ever make something that looks like a disgusting body part, do not offer it to me. And if you do, know that I will throw it directly into the trash. Directly. I won't consider your feelings. You've been warned.

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

This book was g double 0 d good. Although it did feel a little bit Angela's Ashes in NYC to me. Although it's definitely not as tragic as Angela's Ashes. Not by a long shot.

The book is set in Brooklyn and I soon realized that in my mind I thought Brooklyn was the Bronx...and apparently it's not. So....that was embarrassing. And humbling. I clearly don't know my New York boroughs. So, here we are in Brooklyn, which is still not the Bronx, and it's the early 1900's and there is a poor Irish family struggling to get by. Guess why? Daddy's a drunk. Those damn Irish!

So, Johnny is the dad and he's hopeless except you can't help but to love him. His daughter, the story's heroine, can't see past her dad's charisma despite her unique intelligence. So, she instead loses herself in reading and school and her random after school jobs of looking for scrap metal and junk with her brother. They trade the junk in for pennies and candy.

The mom, Katie, is such a sad sack. She keeps trying to save money, but that drunk husband of hers always finds it and then spends it on moonshine. What an asshole. There's a really sad scene where Katie is super pregnant and scrubbing other people's floors for money. I can tell you that when I am pregnant, I won't be scrubbing my own floors at 1 month along let alone 9 months. Poor lady.

Don't fear peeps. The author gave these characters boot straps and you can bet your bottom dollar that they will pull themselves up. Not until something tragic happens, though. Sadness occurs and then some more. Our heroine is continuously knocked down, but she keeps on learning. Education is freedom kids. Stay in school.

This book is like hot chocolate with snowflake marshmallows and a little bit of vodka mixed in. 4 out of 5 stars or 8 out of 10.

Fashion Files: Winter Work Dressing

I recently converted my closets from summer to winter and realized how much I hate dressing for work during the winter. My job is strictly business professional Monday through Friday. I've only ever worn jeans to my job once and it was on a Friday when my boss was out of town and I was cleaning the office. And even then someone made a backhanded comment about it. In the winter, all I want to do is get into some big, over sized sweaters and comfy Ugg boots and relax at my desk. This is highly frowned upon. Here's how I stay professional (or at least somewhat professional) during a cruel Minnesota winter.

1. Tights. I always have 7 pairs available. Mostly black. I also invest in the thicker "sweater" tights. Those come in really handy in January and February.
2. Flat black knee high boots. I have to walk a significant ways into the office, across a bridge, uphill (BOTH WAYS)! Anyhow, the sidewalks are hell on nice footwear. Last year I bought a nice pair of flat black knee high boots that had some traction on the bottom. I wore them every day. I always keep a pair of black heels at my desk in case I want to change into something a little more fancy, but the boots were a lifesaver.
3. Thick socks. I have found that when your feet are cold, you cannot get warm. I always buy thicker socks for the winter and when I know I'll be walking through a lot of snow, I often carry a spare pair in my bag in case my socks get wet. There is nothing worse than wet, cold feet.
4. Long-sleeved black dress. I now have a couple of these. I like dresses for the office because it doesn't require a lot of thought. It's hard to find good long-sleeved options, but I love them in the winter.
5. White long-sleeved tissue tees. I realize that tissue tees aren't going to give me much warmth, but every little bit helps. Sometimes it's also nice to have that extra layer keeping your body heat in. The thin tissue tees can go under almost anything and not show any extra bulk. I stock up at Target and wear them under almost everything from December through April.
6. Sweaters that look like blazers. I should probably wear a suit to work, but I am always freezing when I only have a blazer on. I need that extra warmth from a sweater. I've gotten a few collared button up sweaters that are warm and cuddly, but also look professional.
7. Pashmina type scarves. One of my really sad stories is that i had this awesome black pashmina that I bought in Florence, Italy and lost last winter. I think what happens is that I would wear scarves into restaurants and then would take them off when I was eating and forget about them. I'm pretty sure that's what happened to that one. I like having scarves that can function both in the cold and sitting in the office as a fashion statement. Pashminas can also become shawls if you are really cold.

I am really dreading this winter and hoping for an early spring time!

All Spooks Day

Look at our crafty pumpkins. They were freestyled. I think it's better that way. Look how happy they are!

And look who decided to photobomb this shot. Kirby was obsessed with the pumpkins. He loved the smell, the seeds and the actual flesh. I think he was just hoping that we'd allow him to go Hannibal Lecter on their asses. We did not. At least not yet.

And here's Kirby in his Halloween best. He was made honorary sheriff for Halloween night. His bay definitely keeps the hooligans away. Tomorrow he will sadly have to relinquish his badge until next year.

Happy Halloween!

Excuse Me, Ma'am

After Sunday mass, I went out for a nice Sunday brunch with family. The restaurant was packed to the gills. As we were walking out, someone in the group noticed that the lady walking out in front of us had a tail! Can you see it in that picture above? No? Allow me to zoom in closer...

A tail made of toilet paper! I keep looking at this thinking, how the hell did that happen? And how did she walk through that crowded restaurant with not one person telling her about her toilet paper tail?

Of course, we were no better. Instead of saying something we took a picture. So, I guess we are just as bad as all of those other people. In our defense, she was getting into her car and we would have had to run to tell her that she had just totally embarassed herself to an entire restaurant. This picture really is golden.

At that same brunch, I saw a 10-year-old kid pick his nose and eat it right at the dinner table and also a 40-year-old lady rocking a Snooki bumpit. Stay classy Eagan!

My Camera Will Never Learn

Secret Confession Time. I am addicted to looking at photographs. On Facebook, I will find people who I am not facebook friends with and only remotely know (or don't know at all) and look through their photo albums with all the vim and vigor that a fat kid has in an ice cream shoppe.

I just love looking at pictures. However, I am horrible at taking pictures.

Many moons ago I made it my NYE resolution to take more photos. I wanted to really try and document my life. What types of things did I do, who was there, what was I wearing, what did my hair look like, what foods was I eating, etc. That year I learned two things: 1. Many people don't like to be photographed and 2. When you are into taking photos at an event and no one else is, you will feel like a total creep.

After a few months of being that awkward photographer who at every function was like "Hey guys, let's get do a group photo", I decided that my self-esteem couldn't take it any longer. I stopped taking photos and instead creeped on other people's photos. So, basically I went from taking photos and feeling pervtastic to not taking photos and feeling the same way.

I wish I could learn the lesson that having my own photos to look through would probably make me less loser like in looking at stranger's photos.

Random Acts of Douchebaggery

This one goes back to my childhood. But I'm not above RADding people from my childhood. No one is safe.

As a young'un, I was a dancer. Not a child stripper, but an actual tap, jazz and ballet kind of dancer. I loved it and danced, danced, danced until my little heart wept. There's a video of me when I was five in my very first recital and I'm up there in the center of the stage tapping away and screaming out the words to the song. It was intense. At the end you kind of see me pick my nose a little bit. I'll admit to doing it, I was four and totally not scared to gross out the general public.

Anyhow, when I was let's say 10, I was in quite a predicament. My mom was out of town and I was staying with my grandparents. My grandma had taken me to dance class and I had to order my recital tights by that class or else my legs would be NAKED. My grandma would not let me have naked legs, she was going to take care of that shit.

We went to my dance teacher after class and my grandma said "We need to order tights for Molly, but I don't know what size she should get." Simple question. The dance teacher said "Oh, you know she has thin calves, but she's a little bigger up here, so I'd try a large." When she said "Bigger UP HERE" (emphasis added) she was pointing to my middle section. My tummy, or fupa if you will. Yes, that's right, bitch done called my 10-year-old ass fat.

I almost started crying. My grandma said something along the lines of "This girl does not wear a large!" and we ran out. I'm not really sure if we ordered the tights or not, but I never went onstage with naked legs, so somehow it got taken care of.

My point is, I wasn't fat (porky maybe, it was an awkward phase of childhood), but there really was no reason for the teacher to point out my body's misgivings. She had a little bit of a fupa herself. I think my grandma was worried I'd be damaged from it, but I told her "Nah, grandma, that lady's a total bitch." But, I think it actually did bother me a bit. I know I sucked it in around her a lot more often. And sucking in while you are tapping away is not easy.

Look lady, don't call young girls fat. It's a douchey thing to do.

Addicted to Planning

I am one of those people who has multiple calendars. I have a planner that has a weekly look at my schedule. Then on my desk, I have a monthly calendar with basically the same information that is in my planner. Then at home I have a monthly calendar on the fridge. I also enjoy keeping a daily to-do list that has all of my tasks including things that I have scheduled for the day. Right now in my to-do list for the day I have "Lunch with Alice" written down.

My name is Molly and I am addicted to planning.

A lot of people might say that a planning addiction is not really a bad thing, but those people are wrong. A planning addiction means that you spend so much time in the planning process that you can't ever get to the doing phase. So, my addiction causes me to not be a doer. Sigh.

This weekend I'm thinking about multiple projects that I need to work on. My closets need to be switched from summer to fall/winter. I have a couple of sweaters and coats that I'd like to get drycleaned. I want to finish cleaning out the gardens. I have to buy my Halloween pumpkins. I have multiple CD's filled with pictures that I want to get uploaded to kodak gallery and ordered. I have to go to the grocery store. I would like to hang a couple of pictures. Because of my planning obsession, I know that only a few of these will actually get accomplished. I have overbooked myself for the weekend, so have limited time and will likely spend that time making a list about all of the tasks that I have.

Can someone help me so that I won't have to continue wearing tank tops to work next week?

Babies are Cute

One of my most avid readers had a baby today. Congrats to her. I'm so excited for her family!

Another girl (or are you a woman once you've had a baby?) that I work with had a baby last night. So, it's a baby kind of day.

Nothing warms my heart more than pictures of newborns. You know those first hospital pictures that they take where the baby is all "Get that effing camera outta my face! I just suffered a major trauma here" But in a cute way. I love those pictures.

The Hunger Games

I had been hearing about The Hunger Games for awhile before I read it. I kept hearing that it was incredibly suspenseful and that the next books weren't coming out for a long time and that the suspense was killing people. I am such a baby for this type of thing, so I waited until all of the books were out before I read anything. I'm glad I did because I was so hooked that I read the books back to back within days of each other. I couldn't put them down.

I know some people might be worried that these go the way of the Twilight series in that Young Adult fantasy love (wait, that sounds bad) genre. But, I assure you, these are better than Twilight. Much better.

How can I explain without giving anything away? The books are set in the future and the future's looking grim. The U.S.of A is broken up into twelve districts and the government is rather oppressive leaving the districts poor and desolate.

Just for fun (and to repress any thought of an uprising), the government stages these super fun games for the country's youth. The games involve two youth luckily selected from each district who get to play to the death. Yes, that's right, there is only one victor and that person is only a victor because they aren't dead. It's gruesome and morbid and kind of difficult to actually read.

Our hero, Katniss Everdeen decides that she's not really about that shit and she tries her hand at fighting the government. It's hard to really say more without giving things away. The book definitely throws a lot of curve balls at you. I kind of thought I had the ending pegged and then something totally different happens. Plus, when the book was done I could not wait to get my grubby little paws on the next book. So, 4/5 or 8/10 stars!

I can't review the book without talking about the movie. The Hunger Games has the potential to be an awesome movie. Like hella awesome. The author has a seriously creative imagination (is that an oxymoron?) But, I'm worried that Hollywood will ruin it. I've seen it happen before, and yes, I'm looking at you Twilight.

First of all, the casting. I'm not super down with the casting of this Josh Hutcherson as Peeta. Peeta's a major character to screw around with. He's supposed to be all stocky, all-American, straight laced hotness. And they have a short, non-buff stoner. He's not even really that cute. Then they cast Lenny Kravitz as Cinna. I loved Cinna in the books. Loved him. Lenny Kravitz...ummm....does he act? I mean besides playing himself? It's either brilliant or terrible.

The second point of concern is the timing of it. The filming ended in mid-September and it's going to be out at the end of March. That seems really, really fast. Like, we aren't going to spend enough time on the special effects fast.

I also don't like the message of a March release. What good movies have you seen in March? And you can't say Hot Tub Time Machine. That was just a fluke. I just hate when Hollywood comes in and takes this really great book that could be a really great movie and ruins it because they want to make money fast. That's just wrong. Because once they make this movie, they can't remake it for at least 20 years.

Carousel of Progress

Just looking at this picture gives me the true blue warm fuzzies. I love Walt Disney's Carousel of Progress, but I think I might be the only one.

My first time at the Magic Kingdom, this was one of the last rides that I went on. I thought it sounded real dumb. However, once I learned the magic of the COP, I wanted to ride it again and again. And I did, I just kept getting in that line over and over and over. My mom had to beg me to go on a different ride. The only way that I can explain it is that I'm tenderhearted for history and nostalgia and this ride is chalk full of both.

The premise of the show is that you are in a moving theatre. You go in, take your seat and then this music starts "There's a great big beautiful tomorrow, shining at the end of every day..." The music cues the theatre to move onto the next stage in it's carousel and there you are going through the 20th century and being shown all of the wonderful inventions that have come over the years. I'm pretty sure that I could accurately recite the entire show to you if you really wanted me to.

My biggest complaint about this ride is that they haven't added anything new. I'm not sure exactly how they would do it without building a whole new carousel. And I think the point of the ride is that they are going through the 1900's. It's just that it used to be the last stage was really modern and technologically current...and now...well, it's a little out of date. I have a feeling that's got Walt spinning in his grave. I'm always surprised that they haven't at least changed that last scene at all, maybe added some actual new technology. I'm sure, however, that if they did change it there would be something I didn't like about the change. So, I guess I'll just shut up and love it the way my 9-year-old self loved it.

Even if you don't love the show, you can love these few things: 1. no line, 2. air-conditioned theatre, 3. you can get off your feet for 20 minutes, 4. darkened theatre (I've seen several parents sleeping).

5/5 or 10/10 stars. It probably doesn't deserve this rating, but I let my biased heart win out.

Short Sleeved Sweaters are Confusing

I guess this post is self-explanatory from the title. I always get annoyed by short sleeved sweaters. Who wears a sweater to stay cool?

When I was in high school I bought a short sleeved sweater and it was the biggest fashion mistake of my life. When do you wear it? The one day in October and the one day in May when it's cool enough for sweater material, but hot enough for exposed arms? I typically wore it in the fall and spring and was either cold or hot, but never in between. It sucked balls.

Why do retailers do this to us?

Iced Tea Melee

I stole an old woman's iced tea the other day. And I don't feel guilty. Here is my story.

One cold and chilly fall morning a few weeks ago, I went to Dunn Brothers for my morning iced tea. It was still September and I wasn't willing to give up my summer time drink despite the chill to the air. I get in line and order one large black iced tea.

After ordering, I move to the "Piccup Line" and wait for my order. There are two old ladies hogging the counter, so I was standing behind them to the side. After a couple of minutes a barista comes up with one large black iced tea and puts it on the end of the counter closest to me.

Here's my thought process: 1. On a cold day in a coffee shop, I must be the only idiot ordering an iced drink, 2. The drink sat there for more than 5 seconds without anyone else going to pick it up and 3. Iced tea isn't really an old lady drink. So, I swooped in and grabbed the iced tea.

As I started unwrapping the straw, I felt old bitty evil eyes poring into my side. I turned to see the old ladies glaring at me. I stop what I'm doing, look them into the eye and genuinely say "I'm so sorry, did one of you also order an iced tea?" Silence. I think the bitties were trying to shame me. Bitches, please. It's downtown at 8:00 on a workday morning. I feel no shame for diving at my morning caffeination. Maybe if they felt the same sense of urgency about being awake, they'd be enjoying an iced tea by now.

One of the old ladies mockingly said to me "I did order an iced tea, but maybe you were here first." Awesome Minnesota passive aggression. They clearly knew that they were here before me. So, I did the kind thing and slid the iced tea cup towards her and said "I'm sorry, why don't you take this one and we'll just get a new straw."

So, now I've apologized twice to her and offered her the iced tea. Old lady wasn't going to give up in trying to shame spiral me. She had to take one last dig and said "Maybe you need it, you look like you're in a real hurry."

That was it. I grabbed the iced tea and said "I am in a hurry", poked the straw into the top and took that first sweet sip all while making direct eye contact with the ladies. Then I left. I totally went downtown on her ass.

Random Acts of Douchebaggery

I am not a fan of strangers touching me. Even in a crowded space, if I am brushed by a stranger's hand or arm, I shudder with a sudden case of the creeps. Several of my friends who have had beautiful babies have warned me that on that far away date when I do get pregnant I better be prepared for stranger touching. Apparently strangers love touching pregnant bellies. Lord help me.

Truth be told, I've heard many terrible stories from my friends about the inappropriateness of people's behavior around pregnant women. What is it about pregnancy that makes people ass clowns?

Last week I heard a really annoying story from a good friend who is pregnant (I almost said knocked up, but then I realized that is inappropriate behavior regarding pregnant women...so glad I caught myself). My friend is all of those good adjectives that you would use for pregnant women. Glowing, beautiful, radiant. However, there is a woman that she works with who enjoys telling her how pregnant she is. And she uses the bad words like "big" and I think she even maybe has used the word "huge". What a bitch!

Here's a little tip for everyone: if you have diarrhea of the mouth then maybe you don't ever say anything to a pregnant person about their pregnancy. Even if you think it's a benign comment like "I can't believe that you don't have twins in there" just keep it to yourself. Because it's really never okay to even accidentally make a person feel bad for growing life. In fact, it's super douchey. Look, babies need their space and it's not like we can just rationalize with the fetus and say "Hey you, in there, can you slow down your growth so that my wench of a coworker won't give me the stink eye every time I chomp down on a 3 Musketeers bar."

So, stop being such douchebags and making rude comments to pregnant women.

The Baby Boomer Problem

Recently, there were a couple of people that I worked with who retired. They were old balls. When each of them announced their retirement, I was surprised at how much pressure was put on me to attend happy hours for them and contribute to gifts. I didn't realize that I was obligated to give someone I barely knew money for retiring.

The first old ball to retire, a person took it upon themselves to collect money for a gift card to the old balls' favorite restaurant. I tried to back out of it, but the collector was persistent. I asked "How much are other people giving?" "$20" was the response. So, into my purse I went and produced a crisp and clean $20 bill. I couldn't help feeling bitter about it. I work hard and since I've started my job I've been denied a raise or even a yearly increase because of budget problems. However, many senior employees have been given those raises and yearly increases because they are unionized and can't be denied things like that. So, I'm supposed to give money to a person who makes more than I do, has been getting salary increases for the last 3 years even though I've been denied them and will be able to dip into social security (something that will likely be unavailable by the time I retire)? In the end, something like 15 people contributed $20 giving this particular retiree $300 to spend at their favorite restaurant. That seemed excessive.

When the second retirement came up, I was able to duck out of giving any money to the gift card, but I felt like a cheapskate. It's not that I couldn't afford the $20, but I just didn't want to spend $20 on this person. And I didn't really want to be pigeonholed as someone who would say "yes" every time a retirement came up. There are currently 3 people who I can see retiring in the next year, so if I gave to each of those retirements, I could spend $100 on people who I will never speak to again and I don't even really speak to now about anything other than office small talk.

Even though I felt like I was taking a good stand, I know my coworkers thought I was a parsimonious bastard. But I didn't care, I was $20 richer. What is the appropriate retirement office protocol? Do you just give up the money to save face, or is it acceptable to act like times are tight and you've got mouths to feed (or in my case jeans to buy)?