Random Acts of Douchebaggery

I am not a fan of strangers touching me. Even in a crowded space, if I am brushed by a stranger's hand or arm, I shudder with a sudden case of the creeps. Several of my friends who have had beautiful babies have warned me that on that far away date when I do get pregnant I better be prepared for stranger touching. Apparently strangers love touching pregnant bellies. Lord help me.

Truth be told, I've heard many terrible stories from my friends about the inappropriateness of people's behavior around pregnant women. What is it about pregnancy that makes people ass clowns?

Last week I heard a really annoying story from a good friend who is pregnant (I almost said knocked up, but then I realized that is inappropriate behavior regarding pregnant women...so glad I caught myself). My friend is all of those good adjectives that you would use for pregnant women. Glowing, beautiful, radiant. However, there is a woman that she works with who enjoys telling her how pregnant she is. And she uses the bad words like "big" and I think she even maybe has used the word "huge". What a bitch!

Here's a little tip for everyone: if you have diarrhea of the mouth then maybe you don't ever say anything to a pregnant person about their pregnancy. Even if you think it's a benign comment like "I can't believe that you don't have twins in there" just keep it to yourself. Because it's really never okay to even accidentally make a person feel bad for growing life. In fact, it's super douchey. Look, babies need their space and it's not like we can just rationalize with the fetus and say "Hey you, in there, can you slow down your growth so that my wench of a coworker won't give me the stink eye every time I chomp down on a 3 Musketeers bar."

So, stop being such douchebags and making rude comments to pregnant women.

The Baby Boomer Problem

Recently, there were a couple of people that I worked with who retired. They were old balls. When each of them announced their retirement, I was surprised at how much pressure was put on me to attend happy hours for them and contribute to gifts. I didn't realize that I was obligated to give someone I barely knew money for retiring.

The first old ball to retire, a person took it upon themselves to collect money for a gift card to the old balls' favorite restaurant. I tried to back out of it, but the collector was persistent. I asked "How much are other people giving?" "$20" was the response. So, into my purse I went and produced a crisp and clean $20 bill. I couldn't help feeling bitter about it. I work hard and since I've started my job I've been denied a raise or even a yearly increase because of budget problems. However, many senior employees have been given those raises and yearly increases because they are unionized and can't be denied things like that. So, I'm supposed to give money to a person who makes more than I do, has been getting salary increases for the last 3 years even though I've been denied them and will be able to dip into social security (something that will likely be unavailable by the time I retire)? In the end, something like 15 people contributed $20 giving this particular retiree $300 to spend at their favorite restaurant. That seemed excessive.

When the second retirement came up, I was able to duck out of giving any money to the gift card, but I felt like a cheapskate. It's not that I couldn't afford the $20, but I just didn't want to spend $20 on this person. And I didn't really want to be pigeonholed as someone who would say "yes" every time a retirement came up. There are currently 3 people who I can see retiring in the next year, so if I gave to each of those retirements, I could spend $100 on people who I will never speak to again and I don't even really speak to now about anything other than office small talk.

Even though I felt like I was taking a good stand, I know my coworkers thought I was a parsimonious bastard. But I didn't care, I was $20 richer. What is the appropriate retirement office protocol? Do you just give up the money to save face, or is it acceptable to act like times are tight and you've got mouths to feed (or in my case jeans to buy)?

Please Don't Cancel Me

Who has been watching television lately? The last couple of years there hasn't been many shows that I've been too curious about. This year, however, WOWZA. There was so much I wanted to watch. I'm hoping that none of my new favorites get cancelled. Here's what I've been watching...

The Real Housewives of New Jersey and Beverly Hills. This is my guilty pleasure. Both have been exceptionally good, although I'm getting a little tired of the NJ family drama. I just hope that they keep the same cast and don't do a shakeup like they recently did with RHONY. The BH season has also been good. BH is basically what I think the Real Housewives show is supposed to be about. I mean, those people are super, super, super rich. Except Kim, I have a feeling Kim's not that rich.

Ringer. I'm having a love/hate relationship with this show. The premiere was okay, the second episode was better. Plus it's got a lot of glitz. I'm hoping they don't give it the boots soon because I think it needs a few more episodes to pick itself up.

America's Next Top Model. Oh Lord. I love this show and the fact that they have brought back all of the has beens from past seasons is fabulous squared. The elimination was especially brilliant because these girls heads were so inflated that to watch them get the heave-ho left me in hysterics. I'm expecting a lot more of that.

Up All Night. I didn't love the first episode like I thought I would, but it showed glimmers of real hilarity. Maya Rudolph is basically playing Oprah Winfrey, so right there you've got me. This is another one that I'm hoping amps it up and doesn't get canned.

The Vampire Diaries. I love how this show isn't afraid to kill someone important for shock value. How many shows have this many main characters just die? Plus a million different things happen in each episode. So, the entertainment value is very high.

The Secret Circle. This was probably my favorite surprise so far. I thought it looked dumb in the previews, but had a premise that I would normally like. So, I was going to give it one episode. And it sold me. Teens who are powerful witches. Hook, line, sinker.

The Biggest Loser. How can you not love the tubs? In the premiere when all of the tubs ran back to greet the losing team of elderly tubs in Death Valley, I started crying. Plus, this is a show that you can basically fast forward on your tivo in the slowest mode and figure out exactly what is going on. First they are downtrodden and recap the pain of the last week, then they are inspired in their workout, then they have a challenge that reminds them to work as a team, then the weigh in where all you really need to see are the numbers. Then a tub is sent home.

Revenge. Holy Dynasty awesomeness. I really imagine that this show is what Dynasty and Dallas were in the 80's. Rich Hamptonites involved in murder, mystery, corporate shenanigans and affairs. I have had a rough week and watched the episode on my tivo last night. For those 42 minutes, I literally forgot all of my problems. Please watch, my heart can't take this one getting shitcanned.

I've got other shows lined up in my tivo queue that I haven't gotten around to yet. But Fall of 2011 is off to a good start. You'll find me on my couch until December when all the shows go into reruns for awhile!

How Do You Shop?

Since getting a career job, I have had a hard time shopping. I can never figure out what I really need v. how much money I should spend v. what is going to help my self-esteem. The constant chatter in my head regarding what I was purchasing was enough to make me put everything down and run like hell the other way. Maybe it's the being an adult thing because I never really remember my mom buying that much stuff for herself when I was growing up. Now if you put her in a Talbots store she'll do a bizarre happy dance while singing "Free at Last, I'm Free at Last!"

Anyhow, shopping is a serious problem. I used to get so much joy out of going to the mall and now it is a real downer. I just don't know how to focus on what I need while still getting things that I like and are fun and frivolous!

How do other people do it? I know a girl who used to have the most fabulous clothes, all Prada, Givenchy, Dolce & Gabbana and other high end labels. She told me that she gave herself a twice yearly budget and would just buy a few really expensive pieces and that she mostly wore the same thing but in different combinations. Which seems awesome because she always looked so polished, but I just don't think that I could work under those constraints.

I would take any suggestions. I need a new black skirt for work and the thought of talking myself into buying one is overwhelming to me.

Soarin'

This is not the greatest picture. Truth squad...on my last trip to Disneyworld my camera was in a bad place. I think it was getting old and the flash was kind of failing. So, I have a lot of blurry and dark pictures. I got a new and awesome camera for Christmas and was hoping that at some point this fall I would be back at WDW to take some new pics for the blog, but due to some unforeseeable circumstances, it looks like a trip to Florida will be delayed. So, until then I have to make due with my old, crappy pictures. Now that I've got that off my chest, let's review the ride!

Soarin' is a new addition to Epcot Center. I believe that this ride was first done at Disneyland's California Adventure and it was so popular that they installed it at the WDW. And I can totally see why. Soarin' is awesome.

First, let's talk about what is not awesome. The line. This is one of the worst and slowest moving lines ever. My best advice is to go straight to Soarin' when the park opens and get a fast pass. I have been there before when the fast passes for the day have all been distributed by noon, so you have to get one in the morning. The wait time is almost always posted at 60-90 minutes and they mean it. Plus, the line doesn't move once you are in it. You just stand in a holding area. One time, there was a little 5-year-old girl in a princess dress standing in line right in front of us. She kept saying she had to go to the bathroom and her mom kept telling her that they were not leaving the line because they had already been waiting 40 minutes. Finally when we were about to move up a bit, the girl whispered (loud enough so that I could hear) "I have pee coming down my leg." Parents, do not do this to your child.

Okay, I'm really getting off track. So, the ride. It's supposed to give you the feeling of being on a hang glider and going over some famous California landmarks. You go through some dessert areas, some rivers, orange groves, golf courses, ocean scenes and the like. And you actually feel like you are on a hang glider. I can't describe the feeling, but it's liberating. Plus, the scenery is so beautiful and real! When you are going over the ocean, you feel like you could dip your feetsies right in!

The end of the ride takes you to Disneyland's Main Street and you get to watch a fireworks show while gliding in the air. Soarin' is truly an experience not to be missed. Once you go on the ride, you can understand why the line is so ridiculously long all the time.

On a sidenote, on each "glider" there are three rows of people. If you can, try to get into the first row as then you don't have to look at people's ugly ass feet dangling in front of you the whole ride.

Soarin' is an instant favorite! 5/5 or 10/10 stars!

My Dog Reads My Blog

Remember how a week or so ago, I wrote about wanting to get new pillows from the Missoni for Target collection. Even though I really wanted those pillows, internally I was all "I don't need the pillows." It was a true struggle.

Young Kirby, who loves to spend money as much as I do, helped me out this weekend. I think what happened was he read my blog and was all "I got your back mom". So, then he proceeded to do something really uncharacteristic and chew our current pillows up. Which prompted Mike to say to me, "I guess these have to go to the basement now." We put all of our crappy stuff in the basement.

Kirby didn't destroy the pillows. He just kind of chewed on a corner of it. I really think it was an act of love for his human mom. He's very kind like that. Internal struggle no more, now I need the pillows and tomorrow's the day to buy them.

The Beautiful and Damned

I swear that last week I posted a review of this book, but I's be wrong. However, I don't have much motivation to re-review this book. What can I say? It was classic Fitzgerald; neurotic characters, tragic wealth, beautiful writing. Is that how you use a semicolon?

The hero of the story, Anthony, is a privileged brat. He's just waiting for his grandpa to kick it so he can take all his money. Then he meets Gloria, who is an even bigger brat. So, she decides to marry him and wait with him for the old geezer to croak. And she's got a mad spending problem. She's also incredibly vain.

You can see where this is going. They don't get the money. Woe is me ensues. My favorite part of the book is how Gloria is really obsessed with people being obsessed with her. So, she strings along this film executive, Bloeckman. Everytime he asks her to try out for the "talkies", (they actually don't call them "talkies", but I love calling old movies "talkies" like I walked straight out of the Roaring 20's) she declines. Fitzgerald perfectly writes that girl. You know her. The one who thrives on being told that she's perfect and beautiful and everything that people have ever wanted. I think today we call them contestants on The Bachelor.

Anyhow, the best is when Gloria finally realizes that she actually has to make some money and so goes to Bloeckman to try out for the talkies and she bombs. And they tell her she looks too old. It's awesome. You can hear the air whizzing right out of that big, old ego of hers.

I liked the book, but got tired of it at the end. That's what tragic wealth does to you. 4/5 or 7/10 stars.

Things I'm Excited For - Fall Edition

I will be enjoying lots of things before Winter 2011/2012. Here's what they are:

1. Fall Movie Season. During Fall, movies are typically at their finest. There's actually not a ton that I'm excited about this fall. Leonardo has a new one (J. Edgar), Breaking Dawn of course. Even if nothing new comes out, there's plenty that I missed this summer that is sure to be playing at the Riverview. You really can't beat $2 tickets and real buttered popcorn.


2. Fall TV. My Tivo is already stocked up and I can't wait until next week when the new shows come out. Which ones is everyone else watching?


3. The Lion King 3D! For two weeks Disney's movie The Lion King will be out in 3D. How awesome is that? The fun begins September 16.


4. The Target Missoni collection. I've already blogged about this. Those pillows are mine starting September 13.


5. Apple picking, pumpking carving and leave viewing. The colors, the smells, the decorating. Even though I don't love Fall like others do, I still appreciate the things it has to offer. There is no other season that has such a feeling associated with it as Fall does.


6. Gardening. Now that I have space to garden, I've gotten into it. This fall I will be expanding my tulip garden, planting some daffodils and irises and adorning the front of the house with gorgeous fall flowers.


7. Omnitheater. I know that I'm always going on about stuff at The Science Museum, but it's my favorite. September 22 brings a new omnitheater movie, Amazon.


8. Twin Cities Marathon. Hell no, I do not run this. But, I usually like to support those that do. Plus, I love seeing shirts soaked with blood from chaffed nipples.


9. Sports. Mike loves watching football. I don't really love it, but I do love cooking and Mike always has people over for the games, which means I get to cook for multiple people. So, I guess I can support it. Plus, the Wild will be back. So, maybe I'll sneak a couple of games in this Fall.


10. Long, crisp walks. Kirby has gotten to be a much better walker. Lately we've been able to take him on lake walks and nature walks and he has loved it. I'm looking forward to much more this fall.

The nights are already getting much cooler and I'm grabbing for my sweater more often. I can't say I'm loving it, but you can definitely sense that change in the air and maybe it was needed. Even though I rebel against it, change is always a good thing.