This is Why You're Fat Paula Deen

Last night I get home and flipped on the tv. The Food Network was on and Paula Deen's southern drawl filled my living room. I wasn't really watching, I was sort of cleaning up my apartment and listening. So, I'm listening to her talk about brunch, but also burgers. I didn't really get it.

At the very end, I was just about to walk out the door and she says she's going to put the sandwich together. So, I thought I would watch. This is what I saw:


I don't think this picture really makes it clear. Bitch made a breakfast hamburger using Krispy Kreme glazed doughnuts as buns. Color me horrified. I looked up the calories and it's got to be about 1300, 90 grams fat. Seriously, Paula...this is why you're fat.

Binaca: Surprisingly Potent

Today I had to attend a CLE on the Ignition Interlock Program. None of that is important. What is important is that the people putting on the presentation did a demonstration of how the ignition interlock system works.

For those unaware, ignition interlock is a device that you would hook up to your car steering wheel and before you can start your car you blow into it and if your reading is .02 or higher, the car won't start. Additionally, the device beeps every 20 minutes while driving and if you blow a .02 or higher at any point, then the next time you shut off the car it wouldn't start back up. It's likely that the ignition interlock could become mandatory in Minnesota in a few years for DWI and DAR offenses. But again, this is not the point of this post.

The point is that the peeps putting it on did a demonstration. First demo, the guy blows into it and...PASSES. He was not drunk. But, he wanted to show what happens if you are drunk. So, he takes out binaca, sprays once into his mouth, then blows into the machine. His alcohol reading: .30! .30! For realz! Word to the wise, if you are pulled over, don't spray binaca into your mouth directly before doing a PBT.

Also, when he whipped out the binaca I wanted to tell him that 1993 called and wanted their super strong breath freshener back. Who uses binaca anymore?

The Partly Cloudy Patriot

This was my first foray into Sarah Vowell. She's witty and political and good at writing short stories. However, I don't know that she's great at it. The best short stories pack a huge punch. You remember them. I didn't really remember Vowell's stories. I was entertained while reading it and will probably go back to her for more, but if you asked me now to tell you about my favorite story my answer would be "Uhhh...I think there was one about Clinton and I know there was one about a map seller." Because that's what I remember. Maybe I should take a second read through?

For a quick and funny read, pick up this book, but if you want short stories that will stick to your ribs, I would say keep looking.

3/5 or 6/10 stars.

Question that No One Will Ever Answer

What is it about grocery store parking lots that make people want to run others down in their cars? It's like grocery store parking lots are zoned for crazy being the standard.

Universe of Energy

This is one of those old school Epcot rides. Back in the day, Epcot was all about things like energy!, transportation!, robots! and innovation! Except, I remember this ride as being boring as hell. And loooooong. When my mom needed a nap, she would convince me to go on this ride.

However, things have changed, and now the ride is actually fairly entertaining. Ellen DeGeneres does this narration thing with Bill Nye. It's still long and you're sitting for the most part (so, still able to snooze if you need it), but if you don't snooze, it's actually an interesting ride.

Plus, there's dinosaurs, so the kids will love it. I've never really felt much about this ride. It's kind of a necessary evil. Something long and relaxing to get you out of the heat. Although, I sure wish the powers that be would have kept Horizons and axed this ride. Do you remember Horizons? That shit was the bomb.

But, I don't hate the ride and wouldn't not go on it. So 3/5 stars.

Random Acts of Douchebaggery

I'm thinking about making this a regular thing because I seem to find lots of dbag things going on in the world. I'm a dbag voyeur, I guess.


Today's weather (it's snowing for those of you not in Minnesota) reminded me of this picture:

You might be wondering what you are looking at here. The short story is that I park about 4 blocks from where I work. I have to walk along the sidewalks and have faith that during the winter months the sidewalks will be cleared off so I can get to work. A couple of months ago, we had a big snowstorm during the day. I get to the last block in my walk and see that the sidewalk had been plowed out. Awesome. Unfortunately the asshole that plowed the sidewalk left a huge snowbank at the end of the walkway. So, in order to get from the street crosswalk to the sidewalk, you had to climb over a gd snowbank. The NERVE!

It might not look like much from this picture, but it was tall and long. There was no possible way to step over or around it. You could only climb it. And trust me when I say that in a skirt, tights and fashion boots, the agony of climbing this snowbank made me understand what the nutcases that climb Everest feel.

Killing Yourself to Live

This book was an impulse buy. Every now and again, I'm at the B&N and I see a "Buy 2, Get 1 Free" table. So, I try to find 3 books to get and sometimes I reach. This was a reach. But it sounds intriguing. Chuck Klosterman travels across the country visiting sites where people died. And music is involved.

This was a fast read. There's not a whole lot of meat to this book. The reason Klosterman was traveling cross country was to write a magazine article. The book reads kind of like a long magazine article. Except he's sort of funny and weird shit happens to him. Most of it fueled by alcohol and drugs.

I guess I would have loved this book if I was super into music, but I'm just not. Don't get me wrong, I love music, I'm just not into it like some people can be into it.

Klosterman does have one moment where he gives me one of my favorite literary quotes: "I will pay anyone $1 if they can explain to me why absinthe is illegal in this country and motorcycles are not." It's true, because motorcycles are hella dangerous and bafoons consistently tramp around on the highways at breakneck speeds weaving in and out of traffic on a fucking motorcycle wearing a wifebeater, shorts and nothing else. I took a shot of the good stuff (absinthe, not diet coke) whilst on a trip in Prague and I can tell you, it's definitely safer than riding on a motorcycle.

So, I liked this book, I just didn't really get it. But, I think other people would get it and just love it and obsess about it.

So, 3/5 or 7/10 stars.

Giving Up Diet Coke In the A.M. Was a Bad Idea

This fall I went to the doctor and they told me I needed to drink 80 ounces of water a day! I was all, okay, this is manageable. So, I gave up drinking diet coke. Except, I couldn't give it up entirely and decided that I could have it at lunchtime...one can...that was it. I was actually really good about it. I would drink close to 80 ounces of water, have a soda at lunch, or dinner or never. I didn't really notice a difference except in the mornings when my brain is all tired and slow.

Let me explain. I am not a morning person, never have been. It's not just that I don't like waking up, it's that waking up is an actual process for me. I'm slower in the morning and can't really think clearly. Usually a hot morning shower helps this, but sometimes nothing really jumpstarts my brain like a refreshing drink of the sweet nectar of life (that'd be Diet Coke for anyone confused).

I was trying to ignore the fact that I'm in a complete fog at work until about 11:00 A.M. (I wake up just around lunchtime). But, I did something yesterday that cannot be ignored. Yesterday I took my file folder with all of my "To Do" papers and clipped it onto another court file, bound them all together with a rubber band and put the files in someone else's inbox! HA! I actually find it sort of funny. What wasn't so funny was this morning when I was all, where in the hell are those restitution hearing papers and then I panicked. I finally realized what I had done and went to retrieve them, but still, it took me a full day to realize that I had misplaced my entire to do file. What a piece!

After this snafu, I treated myself to an icy can of the sweet stuff. It was blissful.