Feb's Eve Goal: Become A ...

"People ask the question...what's a RocknRolla? And I tell 'em - it's not about drugs, drums, and hospital drips, oh no. There's more there than that, my friend. We all like a bit of the good life - some the money, some the drugs, other the sex game, the glamour, or the fame. But a RocknRolla, oh, he's different. Why? Because a real RocknRolla wants the fucking lot."

-Archie

This February people better watch out because this movie will become like my new bible. I will consult the movie to make all of my life decisions. Why will I do this? Because this move is A-MAZ-ING!! (And if you were hearing my voice just now singing the word Amazing in an operatic tone then you know me very well. Kudos and gold stars for you!)

It's amazing for many reasons, but here's the top three:

1. The dance scene - if you see it you will know what I'm talking about.

2. The chase scene - ditto, and bravo to Guy Ritchie for making me laugh harder than any comedy movie has ever made me laugh (and btw, this is not a comedy movie).

3. Mark Strong - he plays Archie and I want to have his babies. Lots of little badass, rocknrolla babies.

Feb's Eve will be all about a new outlook on life. This movie is my new outlook, except less violent and with much more awkward dancing.

People are Weird About Books

People really are kind of strange about books. For instance, some people will only read a certain type of book or a certain author or books that aren't over 100 pages and they read thousands of these and call themselves "well-read". Books are like cereal to me, there's so much goodness to choose from I cannot commit myself to one brand or flavor.

Anyhow, I've found out that there's a whole community of people out there who participate in "book challenges". You go to a website and it will say something like "Read 5 long Russian novels in 6 months." And then you sign up and give the names of the Russian novels and at the end of it you either feel like a complete success or a complete failure! But lists are involved, so automatically I feel like this is something that I need to be a part of. Because am I wrong or is there no other satisfaction like checking something off of a list.

Well, this year I am going to join these freaks in their book challenges. Except, I'm not going to commit myself to "Russian novels", "chick-lit" or the "100 books in a year challenge". I'm just going to start a challenge where I read books and we'll see how many I get to.

First Up:


I started the LOTR trilogy about a year ago and finally finished. Fellowship of the Rings was great, The Two Towers was like swimming through molasses in January and The Return of the King was great (except the second to last chapter "The Scouring of the Shire", which was unnecessary and dull, I really don't care about hobbits...only elves).

As I was reading the book I realized that I don't remember the movie at all. What I do remember about ROTK was being so embarassed in the movie theatre because I was bawling at the end of it and couldn't control myself. The book was no different. But, I still don't get it and *SPOILER ALERT* is going to the grey havens just another way of saying I'm going to die? But seriously, what I don't get is Bilbo had that ring for years and he was able to live for a long time (he's bat shit crazy at the end, but still livng and btw, can you imagine what he's like in Rivendell? I'm sure he's the crazy uncle that everyone ignores, but the elves must just be like WTF are we doing with this guy?) so why not Frodo?

And also, does it seem to anyone else like Gandalf maybe doesn't know as much or have as much power as we would think he does? Either that or he's just kind of a shitty friend because he's always abandoning hobbits in their time of need. The only power we ever really see from Gandalf is his ability to make fireworks and that was when he was Gandalf the Grey. I kept thinking come on Gandalf...do something cool and wizardry...you're Gandalf the White now. And then he wouldn't do anything except talk and that wouldn't get much accomplished.

Anyways, I can check this book off my list now. And I'll give it 5/5 stars, or 8/10 stars. You pick.

2009 Comes with Mice

That's right...mice. The other day I was relaxing at home when I saw a mouse scamper out of my bedroom closet and under my bed. I screamed, twice. Then I saw another (or the same, who can tell) mouse run around in the closet. He didn't make it out because I screamed again and he ran back in. Of course they would have to infest the closet, out of every other room, that's where all of my investments are stored.

Since I never asked for a roommate, I went out and bought this unwanted houseguest a nice buffet of poisonous pills to dine on for the evening. I generously scattered the pills throughout my apartment and left my little squatter to dine in peace while I went out drinking.

I'm trying to think positive, but 2009 just doesn't seem like it's going to be my year.

Things I Don't Understand

I haven't recently done a post on actual "New Month" related activities, so I'm doing this one to ask the magical genie for another 2009 wish. This time I would like one (or more) of these confusing life mysteries to be cleared up for me.

1. Crocs - I can't believe people wear these as like, actual shoes. Whenever I see someone wearing crocs, my first thought is, they must not own a mirror. And I know that some of you own and wear crocs and I know that many of you will say things like "But I'm in healthcare", or "But they're so comfortable". Those are not excuses to me.

2. Hannah Montana - What is this about? Seriously, it makes me very uncomfortable.


3. Lindsay Lohan's job - I see her picture on gossip sites almost everyday shopping at places that are hawking seriously expensive goods. And yet, she doesn't appear to work...EVER! I'm hoping to become superficial friends with her so that she can teach me her secret to doing nothing and making a ton of money at it. (I feel the same way about Mischa Barton).

4. Trader Joe's - Everything I've ever bought at Trader Joe's tastes terrible...and I've bought a lot of things there. People must not have gotten the memo on this or they must not care because the parking lot at that place is always packed. I just don't understand driving around for 20 minutes in a parking lot looking for a place to park in order to buy food that tastes like sawdust.

5. Jodi Picoult books - I had never heard of this author and then one day at Target I was looking for a book and she had about 70 different titles on the bookshelf. I looked at the covers of all 70 and thought, these look terrible. Then I found out that they are actually super popular. They still look terrible.

There's a list of 5 "life mysteries" (as my brother would say) that I would like cleared up in the new year, but preferably in the new month because I'm impatient.

Twilight - the movie.

I can't go on any longer without publicly commenting on this movie. I just can't hold it in, much like Bella and Edward's love for each other, I must give in.

So, yes, I read the Twilight book in 3 days because I couldn't put it down. And yes, I was somewhat embarrassed about it. Even more embarrassing was the fact that I immediately ran out and purchased books 2, 3, and 4 and couldn't put those down. So, I spent about 2 weeks reading the Twilight series.

Then I learned about the movie and how they had cast the hotness that is Cedric Diggory (did I mention that my alias Moaning Myrtle saw him naked in a huge bathtub at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry?) as the lead character and I was pretty pumped about this movie. Then I saw the trailer...and my heart sank and soared. I thought the movie would be awesomely bad and I always secretly love movies that are awesomely bad and watch them repeatedly and obsessively. So, I was excited for this movie, but a little bummed because I thought the movie had the potential to be really great.

Much to my chagrin, the movie was neither awesome nor awesomely bad, it was just meh. It was like dipping diamonds in mud and calling them rocks. There's potential there to be so very good, but the actual presentation was nothing special. It was also very low budget, i.e. the Cullen's are supposed to have more money than God himself and yet Edward is wearing the same shirt throughout the entire movie?! WTF?

Worse than all of this was the lead actress who almost had me leave the theatre in a rage. She's so not good at what she does, I mean seriously, homegirl better rethink the day job. When I got around to reading reviews of the movie, I thought critics would be in agreement because while I'm no expert on acting, I can recognize someone who has little talent (I claimed Mischa Barton was a terrible actress on the first day of The OC). CRITICS ARE NOT IN AGREEMENT WITH ME! In fact, they love her, they think she's the most wonderful up-and-coming actress on the planet, perfectly cast and acted for the role of Bella Swan. I don't get it, does anyone else understand this insanity?

2008, Please Get Out of My Life

I feel like 2009 has to be a great year, it just has to be. I had really high hopes for 2008, but it blew. Both personally and meteorologically. I'm sure it blew in other ways as well, but I'm too tired for adjectives.

I think 2009 has a lot of exciting things in store and I can't wait to give 2008 the boot. After all 12/31 is sort of the granddaddy of all new month's eve, so it should be celebrated champagne style. On that note, I'm curious about some NYE resolutions...last year, mine was to simplify life and live more puritan style. I failed miserably. I wanted this really calm year and instead I got chaos and emotional fuckery. I hate both of these things.

My 2009 NYE resolution is going to be to have the worst year possible. I figure I'm going to go at this from a "George Costanza" opposites angle. I'm going to try and have the worst and most stressful year and maybe then things will start to look up. I'll keep y'all updated!

A Day At the Courthouse

Many people wonder about my glamorous life as a judicial law clerk. Working at the courthouse, you see some outrageous behavior and F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S (that was a nod to Kadie, btw) wardrobe choices. Just today I saw the most amazing mullet I have ever seen. It was peroxide blond and gelled like no one's business. It sort of looked like a blond Knickie from Grease, except a woman and more of a definitive mullet.

I digress. The point is that at the courthouse, you never know what bizarre situation you will find yourself in at the end of a hearing. Which is why the following excerpt from an email from another law clerk is particularly amusing and offers just a brief glance into my highly glamorous lifestyle.

What do we do with left over evidence from a guilty-verdict trial?

Specifically I’m talking about a bag of meth … The deputies are telling me that they won’t take it and that we should keep it and lock it away somewhere.

Does anyone know what I should do with this stuff?

What's a young attorney to do? You're in a building filled with deputies not to mention the cutest drug/bomb sniffing dog you've ever seen and you're just supposed to take a bag of crystal meth and carry it around trying to find some random cabinet to lock it in and forget about it. I know some day I'll probably be unlocking one of these random cabinets and find bags of various drugs, guns and used condoms all just waiting to be found by an unsuspecting law clerk.