A Day At the Courthouse

Many people wonder about my glamorous life as a judicial law clerk. Working at the courthouse, you see some outrageous behavior and F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S (that was a nod to Kadie, btw) wardrobe choices. Just today I saw the most amazing mullet I have ever seen. It was peroxide blond and gelled like no one's business. It sort of looked like a blond Knickie from Grease, except a woman and more of a definitive mullet.

I digress. The point is that at the courthouse, you never know what bizarre situation you will find yourself in at the end of a hearing. Which is why the following excerpt from an email from another law clerk is particularly amusing and offers just a brief glance into my highly glamorous lifestyle.

What do we do with left over evidence from a guilty-verdict trial?

Specifically I’m talking about a bag of meth … The deputies are telling me that they won’t take it and that we should keep it and lock it away somewhere.

Does anyone know what I should do with this stuff?

What's a young attorney to do? You're in a building filled with deputies not to mention the cutest drug/bomb sniffing dog you've ever seen and you're just supposed to take a bag of crystal meth and carry it around trying to find some random cabinet to lock it in and forget about it. I know some day I'll probably be unlocking one of these random cabinets and find bags of various drugs, guns and used condoms all just waiting to be found by an unsuspecting law clerk.

Let's Get Political

I realize this is a blog about an almost now defunct monthly celebration and not about politics. But, with the current election climate how it is, I felt like I couldn't hold in my gems of thought any longer. That's right, I am going to share my family jewels with all of you (or is it pearls of wisdom?? Either way, they're precious stones from the collection of my mind). The first topic of my ramblings is campaign spending...

SERIOUSLY, WTF is wrong with some of these politicians and the amount of money that they are willing to spend to become a U.S. Senator? This year in Minnesota's Senatorial election, Al Franken and Norm Coleman combined to spend almost 32 million dollars on their campaigns...while the country's economy is failing! This isn't even counting the amount of money that the Democratic and Republican National Committees chipped in for more annoying television ads. What is even more hysterical is the fact that Dean Barkley spent only $78,000 on his campaign and managed to get 15% of the vote. Ultimately, this election has taught me that 32 million dollars can only guarantee you 84% of the vote in MN.

I usually prefer to consider all things in terms of shopping, so here's my shopping example of what this means. Let's say I'm going to some big event (the Oscars) and I want to be certain that an up and coming actor (Robert Pattinson) would make out with me. Therefore, I would need to guarantee that I looked stunning. So let's say I went to a major designer (Marc Jacobs, Alexander McQueen, Christian LaCroix just to name a few) and said here's 32 million dollars, please make me a dress that's guaranteed to make people swoon and make out with me. Said designer then takes about 10 months to make the most perfect (and most expensive) dress in history. I put the dress on and go to the Oscars and meet up with my preferred up and coming actor and say, "I really loved you in your new movie (Twilight...and no, I'm not 14, but Robert Pattinson is effing hot and we already starred in a Harry Potter movie together), would you like to make out." If the up and coming actor's response is that only 84% of him thinks that he would like to make out with me I would march myself right back to the designer and demand a refund. Maybe it's just twisted morals, but I feel like 32 million dollars sure as hell better guarantee you 100% of something whether it be Senate votes or making out with Robert Pattinson.

Am I naieve or is inflation really that bad?

Spring Fever Pub Crawl

About a month ago I wanted to post this little gem of a quote:

"It's spring fever....you don't quite know what it is you DO want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache you want it so!"
--Mark Twain (a smart bitch)

But, the month got a little hectic and the frenetic energy that usually goes along with spring seemed to fizzle before I got the post out. There's definitely something to that spring fever, though, right?

Anyhow, it's almost June's Eve...the start of summer. And what better way to celebrate than with a pub crawl? If you can't celebrate at the pub crawl on the eve, than feel free to celebrate the beginning of June at the biggest street festival in the country...Grand Ol'/Ole/Old Days.

May's Blooming Soon

And if you look closely at this picture you can see the spring blooms...they're all around the big rock. Spring flowers are my favorite sight in the world. Tulips, peonies, daffodils. Lovely. It really sickens me that they die two weeks after blooming. Actually now I feel really depressed. I think maybe I hate spring flowers, they're kind of a tease. You buy a bouquet of tulips and they brighten your home for a couple of days until they wilt and start to rot. Then visitors come over and while they used to say "Gee, those flowers are beautiful", now they can't even look at the vase because the flowers just make you look sad and cheap like you can't buy new flowers to put in your pathetic little vase.

Anyways, May is coming up and we need a way to celebrate it in a big way. Perhaps we can finally get that bowling in. Who's game (get it...game...bowling...har har)?

NME Resolution Suggestion

This suggestion is for all the biyatches. Your April NME Resolution should be to invest in a clutch. Seriously. The weather is getting nicer and the clubs are getting more crowded. If I get bumped by one more diaper bag when I go out to a club I'm going to throw it down, and you DO NOT want to taste my pain.

A Slut Named Snow Just Ruined My April's Eve

Here's what I was wearing last year on April's Eve:
















It was sleeveless (and low cut, but you can't tell from this picture). My point is that there's something cosmically wrong with 2008. It's been cantankerous at best and I am sick of it. After ringing in the new month of April I will be giving 2008 the biggest bitch slap I can muster. I think that everyone should join me. It will be the bitch slap felt 'round the world. *BAM*. I may not have a lot of upper arm strength, but I'm very scrappy.

Vegas Lounge, A Wrinkle In Time

You know it's bad when you go out to a bar on a Saturday night and the hottest dude in the place is wearing sweatpants and a tshirt with a predatory animal on it. That's right a tshirt with an animal showing fangs. HOT!

Stepping into the Vegas Lounge was like entering a time portal and being thrown into a Minneapolis dive bar in 1993. And there was karaoke. The highlight of the evening came when an old drunk lady of about 60 had the following conversation with Grace:

Old Lady: Hey, do you speak sign language?

Grace: No.

OL: My boss wants me to talk to deaf people.

G: Hmmm....

A little later, the lady hugs Grace and says:

OL: I knew from the second that I saw you that you were a good girl.

G: Thanks.

OL: I teach catechism classes.

G: Oh.

OL: You should model.

G: Thanks.

It's only a day away from my favorite holiday of the month! Happy Almost April bitches.