I Heart Research

I'm one of those weird people that loves doing research. Which is probably why I went to law school, to read cases. Today I came across something in a case that has been a question I've been wanting to ask for years:

"When defendant was told that he was being released pending further investigation because the substances seized had not yet been analyzed by the crime lab, defendant stated, 'Well, doesn't the crime lab know what weed looks like?'"
State of Minnesota v. Cavegn, 294 N.W.2d 717, 720 (1980).

Exactly.

Spring Makes You Nuts

Spring Fever is in full bloom! I think I used that corny joke last year. Anyhow, people all around the SP area are going nuts due to the crispness of the air. You only have to look at my last few days at work to see this. This morning alone I have spent the last 2 hours on the phone. TWO F&*!ING HOURS. Defendants are violating probation left and right, refusing to do things for probation because *weep* they don't have the money, not showing up for court, violating their conditional release, demanding electronic home monitoring, etc. The next person that calls with some weepy sob story is going to be told that the sympathy factory has closed and I no longer give a shit. I feel like the therapist in What About Bob. Unfortunately for these felons, taking a vacation from their problems probably means getting hard time.

NME Goals: Rethought

Turns out, I'm just as bad at NME goals as I am at the NYE version. I went for the safe route this month and chose a goal that was completely dependent on me and not someone else. I decided that this month I was going to keep my apartment organized ALL MONTH. I know it's only halfway through the month, but I'm failing. And, I failed at last month's goal, so I'm feeling uber vulnerable right now.

Here's the thing with having a neat house. I think there's absolutely a secret to this and I will share it with you. Everyone who I know that has a neat house has a specific spot for everything. Their coasters sit in an exact spot on the coffee table, their mail has an exact spot either in a drawer, shelf or file folder, their magazine stack always sits in the same place and always has exactly the same number of magazines...you get the idea. That's why their homes always look clutter free because they know where every single thing goes.

And this is my problem! I'm clean and organized, but not neat. You see, I appear to be very strait laced and conservative (read uptight and bitchy, and yes, I know this is what strangers think of me), but I'm actually a little bit more bohemian and lackadaisical. I'm a descendant of a tribe of Hungarian gypsies, so I can't really help it. So, I just can't wrap my mind around having a spot for everything in my house. Instead I'm more like, this is where I'm putting Vanity Fair this month and this evening I'm moving the coasters to the opposite side of the coffee table to make room for my dinner plate and then later I'm going to bring one into my bedroom so I can enjoy a gin & tonic in bed and then I'm going to leave it there for a month. You can see how this creates one cluttered living environment.

So, I'm screwed...two months and two failed goals. I'm terrible!

Everything Is Illuminated

My 9th book took me awhile to get through, which is odd because I loved it and usually that means I can whip right through a book. But this one sort of lingered and I was entrapped in this Ukranian Road Trip for the better part of half a month. Did I mention that I loved this book, like loved it, loved it.

As I have mentioned before, I like character-driven books. By this I mean, I want to hear someone's voice, see what they dress like, what they like to eat, what they hate, what annoys them...basically I want to feel like they are my best friend by the end of the book. Seriously, Jonathan Safran Foer, where have you been all of my life? He's just so, so, so funny and clever and poignant and his book just weeps these amazing stories. I had my reservations about the book because I saw the movie a couple of years ago and thought: Meh. That's exactly what I thought, I just didn't understand what the big deal was. But, now I know and I couldn't be more happy about it.

So, here's the deal, do NOT watch the movie before the book and if you have, then go out and read the book. It's so much better. This is one of those stories that doesn't translate well to the screen because so much of what makes it brilliant is in the writing.

And if you aren't convinced now to read it, perhaps this will change your mind. There's a dog, who's not quite with it, named Sammy Davis Junior, Junior. Sammy Davis Junior, Junior is the seeing eye bitch for an old man who thinks he's blind, but spends a majority of the novel driving a car. You should be laughing now and if you aren't, then there's no cure for your horrid sense of humor.

5/5 or 9/10 stars.

I'm A Failure

This picture shows the beginning of the month. So full of life, promise and gin gimlets. This month I made a very ambitious NME goal and today, one day before the end of the month, I can tell you I failed miserably. At the beginning of the month I had two crushes and I decided that I was going to get one of them to ask me on a date and the other I was going to find out his first name. Well both of these guys are dead to me now. I've only seen the former once since I made the declaration (and am now pretty sure he's got a girlfriend) and the latter has become something of a cocky asshole. Which basically means I failed, but want to blame someone else for my failures.

And blame away I will, it's healthier for me and my fragile self-worth. However, next month my goal is definitely going to be something very easy and attainable. I think it might involve sleeping and never getting out of my bed. Here's to a more goal-oriented April.

Fairies, Bad Marriages and Statutory Crimes

I have really stretched my mind and read 3 more books. It's actually been 4 because I snuck a second reading of Twilight in there just for good measure, but I'm not counting that since I already read it and since it's not really literature. It's more just fluff to make me feel worse about my own love life. Here are my reviews of the last 3 books I've read.

Stardust

I didn't know this was a book, but I loved the movie, so I thought what the hell. For some reason things like magic intrigue me and make me happy, and this book is full of magics! The plot goes a little something like this: A young boy is in love, but the girl's a stuck-up bitch and so he has to go trekking through some mysterious land to retrieve a star and win this girl's heart. Will this young man be victorious? Truth be told, in the end you don't really give a shit about the destination....it's more about the journey. Twists unfold and turns unravel and there's some comedy. This is one of those books that's like a really comfortable blanket, it feels good to wrap myself up in it, but there's not a whole lot else to say about it.

3/5 or 7/10 stars

Revolutionary Road

Did other people know about the ending of this book before they read it (or watched the movie)? For some reason I wasn't anticipating it and then the last 50 pages or so it just sort of smacks you upside the head. I won't say what the "it" is, but it's tragic and sad and depressing, but seems sort of right, like it was the only alternative for the character. This isn't a book with a hero, just two incredibly selfish and self-absorbed people who can't quite make it in the world. I love me some character-driven books and this is definitely one of those. The book centers around the Wheelers, the most uncomfortable and icy couple in the world. The tension between the two is out of control and then ten seconds later they love each other. It's so dysfunctional, but sadly, it makes sense.

4/5 or 8/10 stars

The Reader

This was a book that wanted me to think and, unfortunately, when I read it I wasn't in the mood for thinking. Why is a question that kept coming up while reading this book and I never really found the answers, but I didn't spend much time looking either. Why does this kid love this woman even after she treats him like garbage (and where can I find my own legal-aged one), why is Frau Schmitz so proud and dimwitted at her trial, why should I care about these people? I never really answered the last question and I think that was my main problem. There were so many intense issues that could have been developed so much more, but instead it was made simple, which might be beautiful, except I like complicated and confusing.

3/5 or 6/10 stars

I Feel Vindicated

I actually don't know if vindicated is the right word, but roll with me. And also time travel with me, because this story takes a little bit of setting up.

About 4 years ago I started having these problems when I would drink alcoholic beverages. And I know, lots of people have problems with the drink, but this was different. I wouldn't really have that much to drink, but would get violently ill and numb all over. I could feel the numbness wave through my body starting with the tip of nose and the tips of my fingers and then my arms and face would get tingly until I felt completely numb. Weird!

Anyhow, it ended up getting worse and to a point where not only was I violently sick and numb, but my hands started locking up. It was actually really scary. Hand locking is never a good thing, especially when you can't unlock them for 20 minutes and you can't feel your face. I was convinced that it had to be some kind of medical condition but family, friends and doctors were like you are crazy, you just had too much to drink. When I would insist that 3 drinks in 5-6 hours is not too much to drink, they would tell me I must have had more and couldn't remember or something. The NERVE!

Well, pop off bitches because I just found out that violent illness, numbness and hand locking from alcohol is actually a real condition. I don't have all the details on it, like the name, but just knowing that I'm a medical freak makes me super happy.